


No more empty chairs (Route 66)

by jinyoungstuan



Category: GOT7
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Depression, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Unhealthy Relationships, mentions of bullying
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-16
Updated: 2016-08-17
Packaged: 2018-07-15 12:47:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 55,218
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7222960
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jinyoungstuan/pseuds/jinyoungstuan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Have you ever cried just because you're... you?" Jinyoung cautiously asks, looking at the guy next to him scrolling down his phone.<br/>Mark clearly doesn't understand the meaning behind all this, as he just stares at Jinyoung, waiting for the question to become some witty trap of Korean language he hasn't heard before. "What?"<br/>"Nevermind. You won't understand," Jinyoung mumbles and changes the topic.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Russian [translation](https://ficbook.net/readfic/5630337) by Delish

Good mornings aren’t for everybody, Jinyoung learns, as he sighs, hopelessly trying to win those additional few minutes of sleep by throwing a blanket on his face, covering it from the light, which is trying to break through every damn window. However, the lack of air only irritates him more and more as the seconds go by. Jinyoung rolls back and forth in his bed several times trying to fight this weird feeling in his guts, but soon he has to admit that something feels off today. He feels off today. _Again._

Jinyoung closes his eyes and sighs. It’s not like he hasn’t felt this way before - tired, exhausted even after long hours of sleep, with something very heavy building up inside him as if he was suffocating. He never tried to fight this feeling, though, everyone said it’s okay to feel down once in a while, that it’s normal. _Everyone feels tired sometimes._

But Jinyoung’s _sometimes_ usually turned into days and weeks of trying to push through his responsibilities with a fake smile plastered on his face. He was _the Park Jinyoung_ – the jokester, the chatty one, always fine and ready to console others if needed, always maintaining his image in front of everyone. He can’t lie, there are some good days here and there, when he has enough energy to go out, crack jokes, be amusing, instead of just faking it. But not today.

He finally gets off the bed when the second alarm announces that if he doesn’t move his ass, he will be late to work. Not that he was extremely needed there – he left all the playlists on autoplay yesterday and it was barely seven in the morning, but Jinyoung always thought of university radio being one of his special places where he could concentrate on something else rather than his thoughts.

Jinyoung always wished to continue working there even after graduation, because he was just too used to the routine of being the main announcer of the radio, but he knows it’s not possible. This position is available for one year only and Jinyoung hasn’t felt this desperate wish to stay twenty one forever ever before.

He makes some sort of disgusted sound seeing his half asleep face in the bathroom mirror. The view is far from satisfactory - his eyes are a bit swollen and red and his skin has this greyish tone as a result of rarely seeing the sunlight. Jinyoung lets out a deep sigh again before leaning over the sink, averting his eyes from the mirror to his hands. His right palm is marked with a fresh red cut he got yesterday from trying to open an old box while searching for his favorite album in the radio, but staring at his bruised hands somehow feels much better than looking at his face.

Jinyoung doesn’t bother to style his hair that morning, he just goes through it with his bare hands, instead of using a hair brush. He has absolutely no intention to look at least appealing to anyone today.

Like always, the world seems pretty grey for Jinyoung when he finally steps outside – grey pavement with holes here and there, grey buildings of his neighborhood he’s so used to see on his way to the bus stop. And most importantly, the grey cloudy sky, which is pouring cold rain on his wrinkled clothes this morning. Partly, Jinyoung blames the weather for feeling like this, but a tiny voice inside his head keeps annoyingly poking at the fact that it might not be the case.

“Straight from the shower?” he hears a familiar voice greeting him after entering the building. Like on a command, his smile automatically turns on as he looks at Jackson, one of the foreign students doing their internships here, trying to crack a joke seeing Jinyoung’s drenched clothes.

“Yeah,” the latter laughs back, but the smile never reaches his eyes. He feels Jackson’s stare on his back as he is walking down the corridor, as if the Chinese guy is trying to figure out if his laugh was sincere. However, none of them say a word, and Jinyoung finally breathes out at ease, draping himself over his favorite chair and putting his headphones on.

It’s a usual Tuesday – since he has no lectures on Tuesdays, he always enters the radio at 8 AM, prepares for the morning news until 9:30, reviews the interview questions for the upcoming show until 10:30, small coffee break at 11 and today is no exception.

He announces the news at 10 AM as per usual, but even Jinyoung himself feels how terrible his voice sounds, as if he was announcing the death of someone, not the news of an upcoming five days long national holiday.

“Are you okay?” Jinyoung flinches at the unexpected voice behind him. He takes his headphones off and presses a finger against his lips, showing the guy in the room to keep it quiet until he’s sure that the microphone is turned off.

Jaebum just nods, patiently waiting for an explanation.

“Why?” Jinyoung asks a few moments later, when he’s sure everything is working like it’s supposed to. Honestly, he’s a bit surprised that Jaebum, out of all people, is asking about how he feels.

The latter shrugs and continues, “I was listening to the broadcast, it sounded like you’re pretty much dead.”

“I guess it’s just the weather,” Jinyoung assures, not looking directly at him.

Jaebum just nods. He thinks he could understand in some kind of way – everyone seemed slow and lazy today, and Jinyoung rarely takes any days off, so he must be dead tired. _Yes, that’s the case, easy as that._

“Go home, I will host that show for you today,” he offers, but as soon as he opens his mouth, he knows that Jinyoung is going to refuse.

“It’s fine. It’s fine,” Jinyoung keeps repeating stubbornly and Jaebum can’t help but flash a suspicious stare towards him, but few seconds after Jaebum silently says that he’s going to the lecture.

“Good luck, by the way,” he adds, turning to the door. “The results of the internship interviews are going to be announced today.”

Jinyoung knows that way too well, he couldn’t sleep these past nights because of the anticipation. Being absolutely aware that for his own sake he shouldn’t ask such thing, Jinyoung still opens his mouth.

“Where did you apply?”

“The usual ones,” he gets a reply and Jinyoung tries his best to fight the urge to sigh. It means they both applied for the same position, like always.

Ever since they met two years ago, they were stuck together. They did all the assignments together, organized all the events together, and entered the radio together. They even applied for the announcer spot together, unfortunately Jaebum caught a cold and lost his voice just before the tryouts and Jinyoung was chosen instead.

Starting from that time, Jaebum started to keep his distance as if he was jealous for some reason. He talked with Jinyoung less and less, and at one point the latter just gave up, accepting those few messages a month he got from him, mostly when Jaebum needed an advice or moral support.

Actually, Jinyoung didn’t even want their relationship to go back to normal again, as he always felt like he’s only a mere low quality copy of Im Jaebum. With the same talents, but never on the same level – Jaebum always was some kind of god to their peers and teachers, witty, smart and talented, and Jinyoung, well… Was just _Jinyoung_ , not a complete dumbass, but not _Im Jaebum_ , either.

He successfully convinced himself that he got this announcer spot only because Jaebum wasn’t able to participate in the tryouts. And the latter never actually said anything to deny this conviction, although he knew very well what his friend was thinking.

When Jaebum finally leaves the room Jinyoung closes his eyes and rubs his temples. He doesn’t know what is going on with him, why is it so hard to show his usual personality, but nothing excites him today, not even the fact that it is only an hour and a half left until his favorite activity – hosting a show that was like Jinyoung’s child, a thing that he created from scratch on his own.

Ever since he got the idea of just picking random students for interviews about their activities every Tuesday, trying to create an approachable image of the radio, the ratings hit the roof. Thanks to Jinyoung’s warm and easy-going personality, no one ever felt awkward in the studio. It was quite risky, as Jaebum liked to emphasize, since this show had no particular concept, contrary to the one Jinyoung hosted on Thursdays, where he just played the music according to the listeners' demands and gave advices about student life. But Park Jinyoung managed to pull it off.

_The only thing he can’t pull off quite well is his own life_ , he bitterly thinks.

It takes two beeps of an incoming text message for Jinyoung to wake up from some sort of a trance.

_Good luck today! Wish your name to be on the list! – YJ_

Jinyoung forces a smile, as if Youngjae is watching him, but doesn’t reply. It’s nice of Youngjae to remember this important day, but Jinyoung suddenly catches himself wishing that he wouldn’t have told this to anyone.

When it was the time to pick a place for the internship, he didn’t really think that much as the choice seemed obvious – he listed the biggest broadcasting stations in his application form. KBS, SBS, MBC – he wrote them all, being strongly convinced that they _need_ Park Jinyoung, one of the most popular hosts among all the radio stations for students.

Not even once he thought that maybe he is hoping for too much. KBS has one spot available, SBS has two, MBC clearly stated that they’re not sure whether they will be picking interns this year overall, but Jinyoung didn’t care back then. Only now, only today, for the first time he thinks that it might have been a good idea to list something else in that list also. A small cable TV station, or a local radio. Anything.

A short lunch break he allowed himself to have passes incredibly slowly, with him flipping his food from one side of the plate to another while listening to Jackson’s rambles. Jackson hates any kind of silence, so he always tried to fill it with words flying out of his mouth so fast, Jinyoung had trouble understanding what he is saying, but overall he didn’t mind some background noise.

“… and then I say, no, mister, we don’t need any more drinks this evening, and that asshole – can you imagine? – he charges us double the amount saying that the tips were included in the bill,” Jinyoung’s ears catch a story Jackson is so eager to share. An understanding smile and a slight laugh escape his lips, creating the illusion of a normal Jinyoung. “And I’m like, mister, where was it written like that and then the last thing I see is him calling the security because we’re now refusing to pay the bill and that’s how I, Jackson Wang, spent a night in the police station, trying to explain what was happening to an officer who looked more stoned than me.”

“Well that’s some experience,” Jinyoung tells, knowing that some sort of reaction is more than welcome. “I see you’re spending your weekends in an entertaining way while you’re here.”

“My parents went wild,” Jackson laughs, finishing his sandwich. “I’m not allowed to go out on weekends and I can only take the car from Mondays to Fridays just to get myself to the campus. They even threatened to take me back to China.”

“You’re 21 year old, Jackson, live a bit,” Jinyoung says, trying to throw his salad out without getting noticed. “Your parents don’t have to know everything.”

“Says the one who kisses his mom goodbye every morning.”

Jinyoung just smiles at this remark and says he needs to go back to the studio to practice for the interview. That throbbing pain in his right temple is getting worse and at one point he even gets scared that he’s going to get an aneurysm or something, but it soon goes away, as the clock shows 11:30 AM. Time for the results to be announced.

Jinyoung’s hands get a bit shaky as he reaches for his phone to dial _the_ number. He doesn’t expect much.

“This is the application information system for applicants of the year 2015. Please enter your application number after the signal and wait for further instructions,” a cold robotic voice echoes in Jinyoung’s ears.

He hears the beep and then types in his application number.

“Applicant no. 15020602 has applied for 3 positions in total,” the same voice continues to repeat things Jinyoung already knew by heart. “The following are the results of application evaluation.”

Jinyoung feels a cold sweat forming on his forehead. The voice is talking way too slowly for his liking and it makes him frustrated.

“Junior announcer internship, KBS – not qualified,” Jinyoung feels out of air hearing this, but he knows it’s okay. They had only one spot, it’s normal, the competition was tough. “News anchorman assistant, SBS – not qualified.”

There is no hope that MBC would take him, they never take anyone from their university and Jinyoung feels like he fucked up his entire life. He can’t even write the final thesis without finishing his internship.

“Junior announcer internship, MBC – not qualified,” the voice in his ear confirms. “If you got selected, please press 1 for further information. If you want to listen to the results again, press--“

Jinyoung tosses his phone back on the table, he definitely doesn’t want to listen to the results again. Out of a sheer habit, few seconds later he updates Youngjae on the situation.

_“Aww, man. It’s okay, barely anyone gets into these from the first attempt, so heads up! I’m sorry to hear that though, but you will rock it next time!”_

Youngjae’s response is sweet and supportive like always, but Jinyoung doesn’t feel any better. Sure, he knew that it’s hard to be picked in a first try, but something inside him keeps telling that if only he tried harder, if only he wasn’t such a failure… _Maybe?.._

“How did that internship thingy went?” Jackson peeks through the door Jinyoung must’ve left open.

“Didn’t get anywhere,” Jinyoung says, trying to sound nonchalant and Jackson seems to be buying it. Jinyoung was always good at pretending.

“There’s always a next time, even though I was completely sure you will get a place somewhere,” Jackson tells and Jinyoung frowns. So people were expecting him to do well and he failed. _Well, what’s new_. “Anyway, don’t think about it too much, and also, the guy you’re interviewing today is already here. Should I let him in?”

Jinyoung looks at the clock. 11:45 AM. He doesn’t feel like hosting anything else except maybe his own funeral, but he nods to Jackson anyway. Personal matters can wait, he has some responsibilities for this place, too.

The guy looks exactly how he remembers from the photo of his Facebook profile – dark brown hair, sheepish smile and an aura of pure awkwardness, but Jinyoung smiles to him anyway. He seemed kind of nice when they were chatting. It was Jaebum’s idea to invite him since he knows the guy, and Jinyoung isn’t surprised – Jaebum is hanging out with a whole lot of various people these days.

The guy speaks slowly while greeting, since he still isn’t a pro at Korean and keeps searching for the rights words in some dictionary app in his phone. It irritates Jinyoung a bit, as he clearly isn’t in the mood to carry the entire conversation by himself.

“Sit down, Mark. You will be speaking into this,” Jinyoung shows him the second microphone, the one next to the window, while Mark follows everything with his wide eyes, trying to catch Jinyoung’s every word. “Just don’t be nervous and if something’s going wrong, just give me a sign, don’t blurt it out to the listeners, okay?”

“Okay,” Mark replies and Jinyoung thinks that this deep and even cold voice doesn’t match the guy’s appearance. “I’m sorry you have to do it in English, though.”

“No problem,” Jinyoung says, checking how many songs are left until the show starts. Two. “The show needs a change, and not every day I can talk with a guy who used to participate in illegal racing.”

Mark giggles a bit while sitting down, looking at the paper with the key questions, while Jinyoung takes a last glimpse at his Facebook feed.

A few late messages wishing him good luck with the internship, few texts wishing him a good show today, and then… Jinyoung flinches so bad, even Mark leans over to ask if everything’s okay.

_Im Jaebum added a life event 15 mins ago_

_“Started working in KBS as a junior announcer”_

“Yes,” Jinyoung murmurs, closing the browser and searching for a bottle of water. He feels a familiar mix of his hurt self-confidence and despair taking him over again. “It’s just that I’m a loser and some people are Im Jaebums.”


	2. Chapter 2

Mark doesn’t fully understand what Jinyoung means with his silent remark, but the latter gets even more disappointed in himself for not being able to hide his emotions from the guest. Usually, that’s the only thing he’s actually good at. He feels Mark staring at him, but none of them say anything, and the foreigner just continues to silently read the questions one last time.

Jinyoung wishes that this day would be over as soon as possible, as he greets the listeners a few minutes later. He doesn’t have any strength to deal with the amount of messages sent to the radio by what seems like Mark’s very own personal fandom.

_“Oppa, please say something to us!!!!!!! <3”_

_“Mark oppa, date me!!!!!!!”_

Mark curiously scrolls down the message board, surprised by his own popularity, as Jinyoung tries not to cringe before starting to speak.

“Today we have a guest whose fans managed to crash our messaging system before the show actually started,” Jinyoung finally says and Mark quickly glances at him to check if he’s really annoyed or just joking. To his relief, the younger soon forces a smile. “The upcoming hour you will be spending with me, Park Jinyoung, and Mark Tuan, who seems to have very… intricate past. Stay tuned.”

Mark laughs, saying that his past is not interesting in the slightest and Jinyoung has one more song to get himself together.

He tries to empty his head out from unnecessary thoughts about his internship and that Jaebum is probably going to shove it down his throat later, but nothing helps, three minutes and twenty two seconds are clearly not enough for Jinyoung to deal with himself.

“So, Mark,” he reads off the paper in his hands after the song ends and their microphones are turned on again. “Introduce yourself to our listeners, at least to that part, who still doesn’t know you yet.”

“There’s nothing to introduce,” Mark shyly says into the microphone, slightly smiling. “I’m Mark Tuan, Taiwanese American, I’m studying human resources. Hmm… I’m twenty two and I was some kind of a street racer.”

“Some kind of?” Jinyoung repeats, now visibly irritated. He wasn’t mistaken, Mark indeed was the type of guests he hated the most – one of those whom you had to _force_ to speak. And the fact that their entire conversation was in English helped only Mark.

However, he seems like he only needed a slight push from Jinyoung and during the upcoming thirty minutes the latter just sits in his chair, listening how Mark moved to South Korea at the age of 18, when he was in his senior year at high school and what difficulties he had persevered before adapting to the new environment.

“I’m glad that you’re able to call this city home now,” Jinyoung tells, after learning that Mark was bullied in school because of his lack of knowledge in Korean culture and language. “But probably one of the most intriguing thing for me and all the listeners is, how did you get involved in such a questionable activity as racing?”

Apparently, it started when Mark was a freshman in the university and one of his friends invited him to watch one of the races. At first Mark wasn’t too fond of this idea, but after he won some bets on who’s going to win, he started thinking about trying to sit at the wheel himself. To be the one whom people bet for.

“And surprisingly, I was good at it,” Mark concludes, running his fingers through his hair as if someone besides Jinyoung would be able to see his cool appearance. “I’ve won several local competitions.”

“Correct me if I’m wrong, but you didn’t even have a driver’s license during your first race,” Jinyoung frowns terrified. Yeah, he was right – Mark Tuan is definitely one of those people who should be avoided at any costs. Too dangerous, too reckless.  

“But I knew how to drive,” the latter shrugs as if he doesn’t fully understand why Jinyoung is so petrified. “Papers don’t really mean a thing when you’re in the racetrack, and to be honest, nobody even _checks_ if we’re all allowed to drive. You just pay an entrance fee and you’re good to go. I got my driver’s license when I became a sophomore.”

Jinyoung judgingly shakes his head and says, “I would like to remind our listeners that they should not follow Mark’s footsteps, at least not before getting their licenses. Though I’m curious – street racing is extremely dangerous and illegal on top of that, haven’t you had any problems with police or something?”

“No, never. We always chose places farther from the city center, so the police kinda let us be there since we didn’t cause anything major,” Mark explains. “Sure, there were a lot of fist fights between racers and between the crowd, but nothing I or my team personally experienced or got involved in. Contrary to a popular belief, we’re a lot more civilized than it seems.”

Jinyoung tries to hide his smile, feeling that the last words are targeted at him, too.

“However, when talking about racing you always use the past tense, as if you’re done with all this racing thing. Are you not an active racer anymore?”

“No, I quit,” smile on Mark’s face falters for some reason.

“Why?”

Mark sighs heavily and for a few moments the listeners of the show can hear only an awkward silence. Jinyoung tries to open his mouth to save the situation, because it seems like Mark doesn’t have anything to say for some reason, but the latter gestures that it’s okay before leaning closer to the microphone again.

“I got into a car crash last year,” he starts and Jinyoung just stares at him stunned. “It was the last race of the season and I needed to defend my name as the champion, so I was a bit more… reckless than usual.”

“If you’re uncomfortable speaking about that, there’s no need to,” Jinyoung quickly assures, feeling some kind of empathy to him.

Mark shakes his head and says, “No, it’s okay. Like you said, it’s an extremely dangerous sport and I knew what I’m getting myself into. However, I started to regret this when I was admitted into the hospital with most of my bones broken.”

“Are you okay now?”

“I was left with some scars here and there, but overall I survived, as you see.”

He rolls his sleeve up and Jinyoung can see a white scar going all across his right hand. Jinyoung suddenly feels uncomfortable looking at it, that’s not something you would show a person during the first meeting, even if it’s only a radio show.

He sees that Mark scribbling something on a piece of paper - he’s asking for a break and Jinyoung grants it.

When their microphones are turned off for the music break, he offers, “We can finish it earlier, as you don’t seem in the mood to be chitchatting about something.”

However, Mark just shakes his head saying that he was just not expecting this whole story to hit him so hard again, it’s been a while since he last talked about it. Jinyoung understandingly nods, but still finishes the show earlier, mostly because he can’t bear it himself.

“It was Park Jinyoung and Mark Tuan in the studio, thank you for listening,” he almost sighs in the microphone. “Let’s meet on Thursday.”

He takes off his headphones staring at Mark, who looks distant and bothered by something. Jinyoung thanks him for coming, but he doesn’t seem to listen.

“Sorry, I spaced out,” he later apologizes standing up, carefully putting his headphones down. “Thanks for inviting me.”

Jinyoung says he should thank Jaebum instead, and starts searching for his backpack as his shift in the station is done for today. The station will have a few hours break and Tuesday evenings are all Jackson’s. All Jinyoung wants right now is to fall into his bed and forget that this day even existed. But.

“Want to grab some meal together?” Mark offers, looking at the clock. It’s barely 2 in the afternoon. “It’s lunch time.”

Jinyoung wants to refuse, because he’s not hungry and he surely doesn’t want any company, but something in Mark’s face screams that _he_ needs company, so Jinyoung finds himself nodding and following the older guy to the nearby parking lot, like a true guardian angel he likes to pretend being.

“Put your seatbelt on,” Jinyoung reminds, when they finally move away from the radio station. He himself tied himself to the passenger’s seat so tightly he barely can breathe, because after learning about previous Mark’s driving experiences he wants to be extra sure he won’t end up having his ribs broken at the nearest intersection.

Mark doesn’t listen, but takes a glimpse at Jinyoung, while they’re waiting for the green light to turn on, “Calm down, I drive carefully when I’m with other people.”

Jinyoung mumbles, “I have a question.”

“Yeah?”

“That car crash wasn’t the only reason why you quit, was it?” Jinyoung couldn’t explain why he felt the urge to ask this so suddenly, but he just sensed that something about that story feels incomplete. “Of course, if you don’t mind me asking.”

“No, it wasn’t,” Mark answers, changing the gear as the road seems good to go.

The passenger nods without any more questions and they barely talk during the entire ride to some coffee shop, where they both buy some sandwiches and coffee. They continue to sit in an awkward silence, until Jinyoung mentally sighs realizing that he will need to start the conversation.

“So, how did you get to know Jaebum?” he asks, stirring his coffee.

“We met in one of the races few months ago,” he gets an answer and for a second Jinyoung feels completely lost, because Jaebum doesn’t look like a person who would get involved in such things, but Mark soon explains, “We both were just spectators with some mutual friends and went out for some drinks after, the whole bunch of us. We aren’t really close, I barely remembered him when he contacted me offering to guest in the show.”

Jinyoung raises his eyebrows. So they aren’t that close as he assumed earlier and somehow that makes him feel more at ease. He even manages to flash an understanding smile.

“What’s _your_ relationship with him, though?” Mark suddenly asks, but Jinyoung doesn’t really have a definite answer to this.

“We’re… friends,” he says, but his reply sounds more like a question, as if he’s not sure how to describe it.

“That’s it?” it’s Mark’s turn to raise his eyebrows. “He talked about you so much, I thought that…”

Jinyoung changes the topic before Mark even finishes his sentence, “So you keep going to watch the races?”

“Some of my former crew members are still racing, so I go to support them.”

“I see,” Jinyoung says, but his mind is wandering elsewhere.

Jaebum actually _talks_ about him. Jinyoung always had this perception that outside the walls of the radio station Jaebum doesn’t even acknowledge his existence, let alone talking about him so much that Mark seems to assume that they’re something more. Jaebum is unpredictable, that’s for sure.

They finish their food soon after the conversation ends and Mark offers to drive Jinyoung home. He continues to maintain his image of a non-talker as he maneuvers through the narrow streets of Jinyoung’s neighborhood and the latter feels too drained to put some actual effort in trying to make him speak again.

“Sorry again for making you speak in English during the show,” Mark suddenly says, when they reach the destination and Jinyoung is about to get off of the car.

“No problem. But you speak Korean fluent enough, though.”

Mark gets embarrassed, as he mumbles, “When I’m nervous, I tend to forget some words and grammar patterns, so I didn’t want to screw up.”

“Everyone’s like that during their first broadcast, don’t worry. You did a great job.”

“I wasn’t afraid of the broadcast.”

“Then what were you afraid of?” Jinyoung turns to him only to see Mark blushing for some weird reason.

“Well, you’re _Park Jinyoung_ , the main announcer, many people think you look like a part time model, and almost half of the girls I know want to date you. Several guys too,” Mark adds, looking at Jinyoung who doesn’t know how to accept all this new info.

He feels frozen. Part time model? People want to date him? That doesn’t align with how he perceives himself at all, but he isn’t planning to dish it out for Mark Tuan, out of all people.

“I should get going,” he just says, getting off. “Thanks for the ride and good luck.”

Mark waves to him before driving away and Jinyoung finally falls into his bed like he wished for the entire day. Finally, he can be himself again, no hiding, no self-control.

He takes his phone and dials an already familiar number again.

“This is the application information system for applicants of the year 2015. Please enter your application number after the signal and wait for further instructions,” the same voice rings again in Jinyoung’s ears. He doesn’t know why he decided to listen to this again.

Probably he liked to torture himself way too much.

“Applicant no. 15020602 has applied for 3 positions in total. The following are the results of application evaluation.”

“Come on, destroy me once again,” he silently whispers as if the robotic lady could actually respond to him.

“Junior announcer internship, KBS – not qualified. News anchorman assistant, SBS – not qualified. Junior announcer internship, MBC – not qualified. If you got selected, please press 1 for further information. If you want to listen to the results again, press 2.“

Jinyoung tosses the phone away from him as he feels tears forming in his eyes. Some small part deep inside of his heart actually wished that the results would change over the day. That he wouldn’t need to feel ashamed of himself again.

He will need to tell his mom that he failed. He will need to face Youngjae soon, who will definitely try to console him saying that it’s _just_ an internship and it will just make him feel worse.

He will need to face Jaebum.

He’s probably already in the KBS headquarters, signing the contract. Most of the interns are accepted to full time jobs when they finish their studies, so Jaebum just basically guaranteed himself a job in one of the biggest broadcasting stations in South Korea. And Jinyoung…

Jinyoung is all alone at home, screaming at his pillow how much he hates himself for being born. For being useless, for always being not as good as Jaebum, for even comparing them both.

Mark said there are people who legit want to date him, what a bunch of bullshit, he thinks when he goes to the bathroom to wash his face after a few hours. He doesn’t understand why would Mark need to lie about this, definitely no one wouldn’t want to be with someone like him. Most importantly, _Jinyoung_ doesn’t want someone to be with him, he’s not worth it.

He makes himself a cup of tea from some herbs he finds in one of the drawers in the kitchen. He needs to get back to his usual life – homework, chores, pretending everything’s fine. When he comes back to his room, trying to avoid every mirror on his way, he sees that his phone is flashing a notification from a messaging app. Surprisingly, the message is from Mark.

_There’s a race upcoming Friday, my friends are going to  
participate. Wanna go together to watch? _

Jinyoung doesn’t understand why Mark Tuan can’t just disappear. The show is over, they aren’t obliged to talk anymore, and Mark doesn’t need to take Jinyoung out somewhere.

_“Yeah, sure! Sounds great!”_

Park Jinyoung was always good at lying to people about how he feels and what he thinks.


	3. Chapter 3

Jinyoung tries his best to concentrate on the topic written on the blackboard, but he feels like his entire body is against it. It’s too damn hard. At one point, Jinyoung concludes that he was crying in his sleep again last night, feeling his skin under the eyes being sensitive to any touch and even to the wind coming through the open window of the classroom.

 _Political…influence…on…media…outlets…_ Jinyoung tries to listen about political campaigns and trace black letters down on his notes at the same time, but his brains just shut down. He side-eyes Jaebum, sitting next to him like usual. The latter’s gaze is fixed on the teacher as if various ways politicians hide their messages in the articles is the only thing Jaebum wants to hear today. But Jinyoung knows that it’s only a show.  

Jaebum’s hands are under the table, he’s scrolling down the social media on his phone, not giving a shit about anything. Sometimes Jinyoung wonders what would happen if he _accidentally_ made Jaebum drop his phone and exposed his fake ass. Probably nothing, it’s Jaebum. Everything he does is important. More important than anything else. Jinyoung doesn’t understand why he suddenly feels such a rage towards the guy. Probably it’s the lack of sleep.

Suddenly, Jaebum passes him a note.

_“You okay?”_

Jinyoung just nods without even turning to him. Nobody needs to know what hell he is making himself to go through, especially not Jaebum. The only thing Jinyoung wishes for is that he would fix himself before Friday, because he can’t cancel the meeting with Mark. Cancelling plans is not Jinyoung’s style at all – if he says yes, that means yes no matter how badly Jinyoung’s world is shattering.

He saw Mark a few times these days, passing by him in the corridors. The first time Mark didn’t see him, the second one he smiled and waved to Jinyoung before turning back to his friend, who was telling him something. A bunch of girls followed them and Jinyoung couldn’t help but smile bitterly. _It must be pretty awesome to have someone genuinely liking you._

Jinyoung doesn’t bother anymore – for the next hour and a half he just stares through the window completely ignoring the lecture. He gets a wake-up call when the teacher loudly says, “Park Jinyoung, I asked you a question.”

“I’m sorry… What was the question?” Jinyoung asks, averting his confused gaze from the window to the middle aged teacher, who seems to be surprised that out of all people, Jinyoung is not paying any attention.

“I asked your opinion on whether it's moral to hide secret messages that could affect people’s free will to choose.”

Jinyoung thinks for a while. Some time ago he would’ve argued to death that there’s nothing moral in politics overall, but now…

“If some people are dumb enough to be fooled, of course someone is going to use it,” he blurts out and feels everyone’s stares, because this answer is _so_ not Jinyoung. “Everyone is just trying to survive in some way.”

 _Me too_ , Jinyoung adds in his mind, but doesn’t say anything and the lecture continues, finally ending after torturous 30 minutes. Jinyoung jumps from his seat and gets ready to sprint to the radio station where he finally will be able to hide from people, but suddenly someone forces him to stop, holding him by the loose strap of his backpack.

“Can we talk?” Jaebum asks. He looks concerned and that’s a first, in Jinyoung’s opinion.

“Make it quick, I’m in a hurry,” he lies.

“Jackson said that you looked awfully sad for the last few days and asked for me to check up on you.”

Jinyoung curses. He feels so tired of people thinking that they need to fulfill their duty of keeping an eye on him. _Why can nobody understand that all he needs is for people to leave him alone? Is it so hard to do, to ignore him? Most of the people were doing exactly that before, why now is this a problem?_

“I’m fine.”

“Jinyoung,” Jaebum even tries to be soft with him, what makes the latter want to cringe, “I know you for two years, I know when something’s off.”

_Do you, Im Jaebum? Then where have you been with this question this entire time?_

Jinyoung actually doesn’t want to, but his mouth automatically blurts out, “You should worry about your internship, not me.”

Jaebum is stunned by this statement. His eyebrows furrow, as he’s trying to connect the pieces of information and Jinyoung’s words together, but then again, _like always_ , he does it in a wrong way.

“So this is all about that internship? Are you mad at me that you didn’t get picked?”

“Get off your high horse, Jaebum,” Jinyoung hisses, losing his patience. “Sometimes not everything is about you.”

Jaebum takes some time to find words he wants to shout at Jinyoung, but as soon as he opens his mouth, they get interrupted by Youngjae, who wraps his arm around Jinyoung’s shoulders and asks, “What are you guys doing here?”

“Nothing, I was just trying to help,” Jaebum says and turns to go. For some reason he looks genuinely hurt and it already starts making Jinyoung feel bad. “See you later.”

Youngjae doesn’t ask anything until they walk outside of the faculty. Or until Youngjae _drags_ Jinyoung outside, to be precise. Jinyoung squints his eyes feeling uncomfortable because the rays of the lazy autumn sun are making his eyes hurt. Youngjae sits on the nearest bench he manages to find and Jinyoung just blindly follows.

“You haven’t been answering my texts for the past two days, and you’ve been avoiding me in the university,” Youngjae finally says after a few minutes of silence, but it doesn’t sound like he’s blaming Jinyoung in the slightest.

The latter just stares at the ground. He knows he’s being selfish, because his friend is worried, he always is, but Jinyoung doesn’t have any wish to drag people into his problems. Youngjae saw enough of his inner demons already.

“Sorry,” there’s nothing else he can think of saying.

“Are you okay?”

Jinyoung fidgets a bit on the bench, as if Youngjae would let the topic go if he kept silent for a while, but they both know that this isn’t the case. The younger patiently waits for an answer, while Jinyoung tries to figure out a way how to keep his friend away from this fuckery.

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“You know that if something’s wrong, I’m always only a call away, right?” Youngjae tells, softly patting his back. He saw a lot of _these days_ in Jinyoung’s life. It frustrated him, as Jinyoung never was the type to open up or seek some help for himself, but there was not much he could do. “Just don’t stay alone in your room, it just makes it worse.”

Jinyoung suddenly feels something heavy in his throat, but decides that it’s not a great time to start crying, so he just coughs it away before saying, “I’m not alone. You’re around. I’m also going out with a friend on Friday.”

He doesn’t know why he mentions meeting with Mark out of the blue, he never planned on telling anyone about this. He and Mark definitely aren’t anywhere close to the true definition of friends, but seeing Youngjae sighing in relief makes Jinyoung stick to his version.

“You snapped at Jaebum, didn’t you?” Youngjae asks after a pause, and Jinyoung finally lifts his head from the ground.

“I might have.”

“He deserves it.”

Jinyoung laughs a bit. Youngjae never liked Jaebum, or so he decided after finding out the true story behind Jinyoung and Jaebum’s relationship.

Jinyoung finds it amusing when his enemies always keeps becoming Youngjae’s enemies too, but he wishes that the younger wouldn’t be so biased. Sometimes all Jinyoung wants is the bare truth, and Youngjae is just too nice, too attached to him to tell how things really are.

“You should get going,” Jinyoung says looking at the clock and poking his friend’s side. “Freshmen shouldn’t be late for lectures.”

“Sure, _announcer-nim,_ ” Youngjae mockingly laughs, jumping from the bench. Jinyoung tries to kick him, but misses, and for a while only Youngjae’s laughter that sounds like a bell ringing fills the air. “By the way, there’s some dude behind you, who kept staring at us the entire time. Might be your fan.”

Youngjae runs to his lecture and when Jinyoung turns around, he sees Mark Tuan, hopelessly trying to pretend that he wasn’t caught staring.

“Hey,” Jinyoung says, waving him to come closer. “I didn’t know you exchanged racing for eavesdropping.”

Mark plops on the bench next to him and laughs, “I just saw a familiar figure and wanted to talk a bit, but I saw that you’re with a friend. Didn’t hear a word.”

That’s a good thing, it would be a pity to scare Mark away before their meeting, Jinyoung thinks. He will have plenty of time to do that on Friday. He had a pretty clear plan of how things will go – Jinyoung will be nice, then will become a bit unbearable and slowly, without anyone noticing, will make Mark regret that he offered to meet up. Nothing personal. Actually, it’s for Mark’s own sake. He doesn’t deserve to be punished with having Jinyoung as a friend.

“What did you want to talk about?” Jinyoung asks, putting his best fake smile on.

“Nothing important,“ Mark shrugs. “Haven’t changed your mind about tomorrow yet?”

“No, I haven’t. When are we going to meet?”

Mark thinks for a while and then says, “I will text you, I’m not sure if my friends will need me before the race or not.”

For a while they sit silent, and that frustrates Jinyoung, even though Mark doesn’t seem fazed by this silence, as if he’s used to it.

“Don’t you have a lecture or something?” Jinyoung asks, when he can’t bear the silence anymore.

“No. And you?"

Jinyoung shakes his head, “No, I was planning to head to the radio, since I'm hosting a show at 8 PM and I need to prepare.”

“Can I go with you?” this question throws Jinyoung off. “I always wanted to see how things work in the radio.”

“You saw how things work in the radio, though.”

“Not like that, I mean, just watching people in the radio do their job, not being involved in it.”

After some serious convincing Jinyoung finally agrees, and Mark just sticks with him for the entire day. In some way it feels like being accompanied by a shadow, since Mark doesn’t speak much. He asks some questions here and there about radio equipment, shares a small chitchat with Jackson, whom they meet in the basement, where he’s trying to sort out the new albums they got this morning and that’s pretty much it.

To Jinyoung’s surprise, Mark doesn’t do anything that annoys him. He doesn’t touch anything that could easily break, he doesn’t make any mess anywhere. Mark doesn’t bother him when Jinyoung goes through the news, collecting the gossip that will be announced on the show. He doesn’t even trip over the wires scattered on the ground. For a while, Jinyoung doesn’t even notice that Mark is gone, until the latter slams a cup of coffee and a sandwich on his table, while he’s studying some music charts.

“What’s that for?” Jinyoung asks surprised.

“We’ve been here for hours and I didn’t see you eating anything, so I asked Jackson what to buy, since I don’t know what you like.”

It leaves Jinyoung smiling, as he’s looking at the chicken salad sandwich and a large cup of hot Americano, exactly what he likes to eat on campus for lunch. Jackson must’ve taught him well. Youngjae would approve this concern over Jinyoung’s eating habits, too.

“Thanks,” Jinyoung says, taking a sip of his coffee. They spend the next fifteen minutes arguing because Mark refuses to take any money from Jinyoung.

The show starts as usual, with Jinyoung introducing himself and announcing that the radio is now accepting messages, calls and requests for the songs. Everything is going smoothly as always, just Jinyoung has yet to get used to the fact that for the first time this year someone is sitting next to him on Thursdays.

Mark seems to be having fun while Jinyoung tries to advise some girl how to make her crush notice her, maybe because it’s too obvious that she’s speaking about Jinyoung himself. Mark playfully pouts, when Jinyoung lightly slaps his arm, because Mark is starting to distract him too much.

During a music break, Jinyoung looks at Mark, doodling something on a piece of post-it note, while whistling along the melody. He looks like a child told to occupy himself with something and Jinyoung even smiles a bit, seeing someone who seems not requiring much maintenance.

“What kind of music do you listen?” Jinyoung asks, trying to see what Mark is drawing. It’s a teddy bear and he has to admit that Mark is quite good at drawing.

“I’m not picky, I listen to almost everything,” the latter shrugs, putting the pen down. “Here, this is for the radio.”

He hands Jinyoung the doodle of the teddy bear and Jinyoung smiles, trying to stick the note on the monitor.

“Jaebum will be fascinated,” Jinyoung mumbles, trying to imagine his face staring at the cute teddy bear on a pink sticky note. He will shred it to pieces, Jaebum and cute never went together. Or so does he likes for everybody to think.

Jinyoung finishes the show late as always, the clock shows 11:30 PM when he’s picking the last song to play, and he sees that Mark already fell asleep, resting his head on the table. Jinyoung decides not to wake him up, scrolling down his personal playlist and searching for something that would fit his mood.

_It’s funny, you think anything  
is possible when you’re a kid_

Jinyoung feels every word of the song filling him up, as if it was written about him, as if it was bleeding his own story. When he was a kid, everything seemed so simple.

When Jinyoung was four, he wanted to be an astronaut. When they played together, his father used to throw him in the air, imitating the rocket launching. Then he wanted to be a writer. He used to bring countless numbers of paper sheets filled with his messy syllables to his mom and she would read it as if he was a worldwide famous poet. Later, he wanted to be a policeman. Then his dad left. Then Jinyoung found out that he was not like most of the boys in his school.

It wasn’t one of those stories where Jinyoung would’ve known from the early days that something about him feels weird. He was fifteen when he finally realized that his best friend isn’t exactly only _a friend_ to him.

He was genuine enough, or how Jinyoung likes to call it now, _stupid_ enough to actually tell how he feels, because he was so confused about all this and wanted to know if his friend feels the same. Then his school years became a nightmare and Jinyoung never talked about it with anyone else.

Only Youngjae knew, because he was the only person who actually talked to him after he got exposed in front of the entire school. Jinyoung finally started breathing a bit more easier after getting into university, because no one ever gave a shit about such things here. But it was too late.

For Jinyoung, his entire life was a bunch of glass shards, left from hitting various walls.

 _I have a long way to go but_  
_why am I running in place?_  
_I scream out of frustration_  
_but the empty air echoes_  
_I hope tomorrow will_  
_be different from today_  
_I’m just wishing_

“That’s a pretty sad song,” Jinyoung flinches when he hears Mark’s voice right behind him. He turns around and sees Mark standing so close, he can swear that if he moved a millimeter closer, their noses would touch. “Didn’t mean to scare you, sorry.”

“No problem,” Jinyoung replies avoiding the topic about the song choice. “I will be done soon, but if you want, you can go. I saw you dozing off.”

Mark shakes his head saying he’s going to stay until the end. They don’t talk, except for that time when he says he will drive Jinyoung home again. The latter keeps thinking that tomorrow will be the last time he’s going to talk to Mark ever again. He’s pretty determined.

“See you tomorrow,” Jinyoung says, getting off the car.

“Jinyoung?”

“Yeah?”

Jinyoung stands on the pavement next to his house puzzled over Mark’s, “Everything’s going to be fine.”

Before he manages to say anything, Mark and his car are long gone. A few hours later, when Jinyoung is finally drowsy enough to consider sleeping, his messenger beeps. He doesn’t get surprised seeing Mark’s name in the notifications, but gets surprised by the message itself.

_“Goodnight.”_

Jinyoung’s heart jumps for some reason, but he just laughs it off. Jinyoung isn’t that rare of a name, Mark just mixed it up in his contact list. There’s no way someone would care enough to wish him goodnight. Well, maybe Youngjae.

Jinyoung just leaves the message seen and rolls on the other side, staring at the wall.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the comments, kudos and love in general that this story gets, it really means a lot for me! However, there's one thing I'd like to ask. When reading the chapters that will come up next, please check the tags, since I might (okay, definitely will) add more of them as the story goes by. I don't want to trigger any of you or something, since the story won't be a light one and will involve some severe things later on, so I'm going to tag some major things, when needed. Thank you!~


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before reading, please read the notes!  
> This chapter contains homophobia and homophobic slurs, also mentions bullying and has some pretty offensive language, so beware.  
> Also, that particular guy appearing in this chapter is completely made up, don't bother searching him up in real life, since I don't even know what you could find, haha.

Maybe it wasn’t a great idea. Maybe he should have said no. Avoiding people from the get-go always was his specialty and maybe he should’ve stuck to that instead of agreeing to go here. Jinyoung’s mind turns into a spinning torturous circle full of voices, smells and colors as he stands with his eyes tightly shut, smell of burning rubber sneaking into his nose and throat, leaving too little space for oxygen. _It would be so easy, just one little step closer, just few more seconds of breathing the poison. A lot of people get poisoned by fumes, nobody would even suspect anything. Come on, Park Jinyoung, don’t be a coward._

“You’re too close,” Mark’s voice reaches his ears and Jinyoung’s eyes finally crack open. He takes a deep breath, letting fresh air to fill his lungs again and takes few steps back.

Cold almost-midnight’s wind is playing with Jinyoung’s hair, his jacket feels incredibly heavy and the smell of burning tires is now everywhere, but he also feels something else. An adrenaline rush, something similar to anticipation and anxiety filling him up from head to toes, as if he is going to be the one racing tonight.

Mark is now busy talking with some pink haired dude about tonight’s race.

Noticing their curious stares, he finally introduces the guys to each other, “This is Jinyoung. Jinyoung, this is Kunpimook. Everyone calls him Bambam, though.”

“Yo, man,” the latter shamelessly pulls Jinyoung into a hug and he’s not into such sudden skinship. Jinyoung’s surprised facial expression gives him away in a blink of the eye.

Mark laughs shaking his head, “Don’t mind him. He just considers every person that shares the same air as him his friend. He’s our co-driver.”

“Maybe I should find another crew who would appreciate me enough to let me actually drive,” Bambam pretends to be sulky, but Jinyoung notices his soft and still childish gaze that doesn’t mean any of these words.

Jinyoung can’t help but wonder how old is the guy actually, because he doesn’t seem anywhere near being legal. Both Bambam and Mark indulge into a detailed conversation about tires and engines, meaning Jinyoung doesn’t have anything useful to add, so his eyes start wandering from the car’s open hood to the clear night sky and his mind slowly leaves this place.

Jaebum stopped talking with him completely, they didn’t even greet each other this morning. Probably Jinyoung’s words were too much yesterday. Probably _he_ was too much.

Truth is, he never wanted to snap at Jaebum. It’s just _not him_ when he spits hurtful things out like that, but Jinyoung never knew how to explain this to others without sounding like having a personality disorder.

Youngjae told him to search for a therapist once, when Jinyoung blurted out a lot of unforgivable shit, which resulted in the younger not talking to him for a week. It was the time Jinyoung learned the importance of apologizing for being an asshole during _these days_ , but other than that, Youngjae was wrong. _He is not sick, he doesn’t need any therapists._

He gets too occupied with his thoughts to notice a hand in front of him and only when the owner of the hand snaps his fingers, Jinyoung lifts his eyes to see a tall and young looking guy staring at him.

“What are you doing here?”

He has no idea of what he’s doing here either, actually.

"I’m… I came with Mark.”

Mark is now leaning over the hood of the car, checking something and laughing at a joke Bambam is telling with wide gestures and vivid expressions.

“I see,” the guy’s lips break into a smile and he once again reaches his hand out for a handshake. “I’m Kim Yugyeom, Mark’s crew member. I replaced him, when he quit. Nice to meet you… uh…”

“Park Jinyoung.“

“Nice to meet you, Park Jinyoung,” Yugyeom finally finishes his sentence, firmly shaking his hand, and turns to his friends. “Hey, Mark, leave it, I will check it myself. Don’t leave your date alone.”

Mark makes a face that clearly indicates Yugyeom to shut up immediately, or else the screwdriver in his hand will explore places it shouldn’t be in, but Jinyoung once again feels the guy being glued to his side. _This is definitely not a date. And never will be._

“Sorry, old habits,” Mark apologizes for being carried away by the car, but Jinyoung gestures that it’s okay. “So, how’s the first impression so far?”

“I don’t know, since the race hasn’t even started yet, but so far I’m not really a fan of this smell.”

Mark starts laughing as if Jinyoung just told him the joke of the year, but soon offers to grab some drinks from the local convenience store as they have some free time until the race starts. They come back when people are already gathering around and Mark has to push though the mass of people, dragging Jinyoung along, just to find a decent spot to clearly see the road.

“Are you insane?” Yugyeom appears in front of them almost out of the thin air, looking at the beer can in Jinyoung’s hand.

Actually, he didn’t want the beer either, but couldn’t think of anything else in the store, since his favorite juice don’t really fit this kind of atmosphere.

“Stop shitting your pants, it’s only for Jinyoung,” Mark replies and the latter’s eyebrows furrow. What is this all about?

Mark notices his stare and points to his ear - there’s a barely noticeable earpiece inside.

“Bambam is still new in this part of the city, so I will be helping, if needed.”

So that’s why Yugyeom freaked out seeing the beer, Jinyoung thinks, being quite proud of himself for being to connect the pieces of info and his own assumptions. They need a sober extra co-driver, if Bambam won’t be able to deal with his job.

“Go, twenty minutes left,” Mark softly pushes Yugyeom forward. “Just do your best, there’s nowhere to rush. And for god’s sake, if I hear that you didn’t wear your helmet again, you’re dead and I don’t care that you’re already eighteen and don’t need any _childish_ helmets. I won’t be picking your brain from the racetrack piece by piece.”

Yugyeom just rolls his eyes and disappears somewhere in the crowd again. Jinyoung observes the people around without any words and Mark also falls into silence, probably mentally preparing for the race. Jinyoung takes a sip of his beer, but the unpleasant bitterness makes him scrunch his nose. He never was much of a drinker.

The race starts precisely at 12 AM and Jinyoung has to stick his fingers into both of his ears to prevent his eardrums from exploding. The sound of cars taking off is unbearable, however, Mark doesn’t seem fazed by it at all.

“Our boys started off steadily,” he announces after few minutes, and Jinyoung feels somehow weird, but warm hearing the word “our”, as if he would also be a part of their team.

Mark shows him a map on his phone, explaining where Yugyeom and Bambam are going, but all Jinyoung understands is that the track is huge and he shouldn’t expect to see them anytime soon. He almost completely forgets about his plan to annoy Mark to the point he wouldn’t talk to him ever again, but when he finally opens his mouth to say something uncomfortable, Mark quickly interrupts him.

“Something happened in the outskirts and Bambam got lost, I’m going to find a calmer place to explain them how to get their asses out of there, so stay here for a while, okay? I will be right back.”

He disappears before Jinyoung can even nod in response. He gets a bit irritated, because being left completely alone among a bunch of strangers who look like they could beat the living shit out of him wasn’t what Jinyoung had in mind when he first got Mark’s message. However, he just sighs, focusing on the pavement under his feet, waiting for something to happen. _And it happens._

Someone bumps at him so hard that Jinyoung almost falls on the ground and when he gets his balance back, he hisses, “Hey, watch where you’re going, you idiot.”

“Repeat that,” some guy says, and for a second Jinyoung thinks that he shouldn’t have called the guy names, because that moron looks like he would easily send him flying across the street with one light movement of his finger. People around them get quieter, watching how the events will unfold. “Feeling very brave, huh? Wait… do I know you?”

If Jinyoung’s fingers had clenched into a fist few seconds ago, upon the dawning realization who’s the guy in front of him the fist loosens again and the memories fill his head. _So his past made a flashing comeback, huh._

In front of him, for his own horror, there’s a guy from his high school, the one who was responsible for all his nightmares and tears, all the things stolen from him, all the insults sprayed on his locker with permanent red dye. Jung Minjae. The guy who took it as his duty for the country to bully Jinyoung into who he is now.

“Well well well,” Minjae whistles and Jinyoung curses under his breath, feeling his knees shaking. He’s twenty one and this is not high school anymore, why is he still easily scared like this? “Isn’t this our lovely Park Faggot. Long time no see, scum.”

Everyone seems to be standing around them with bated breaths, so Jinyoung assumes Minjae is quite a big figure in these streets. _What a luck, out of all places he manages to end up in the same space as Jung Minjae._

“What are you doing in a place like this huh?” the guy continues, poking at Jinyoung’s chest with every word he spits out of his nasty drunken mouth. “Got lost? Not enough gay bars? Why. Are. You. Here.”

“Leave me alone,” Jinyoung says, trying to shake off the hand of his chest, but his voice is silent, not any louder than a gust of wind passing by them. Where’s Mark? Would he be able to do something? _Save me, please_.

Minjae just laughs at the view of Jinyoung shaking as if he has a fever and spits under his feet. _Well, at least not on Jinyoung. Yet_.

“I don’t think so,” Jinyoung’s terrifying past grits his teeth, grabbing him by the collar and Jinyoung feels his heart racing the same way it used to four years ago. He thought he managed to escape it. What a sweet illusion that was.

For a second Jinyoung wants to laugh, honestly. Maybe he _should_ let the guy beat the living shit out of him. Maybe he would even die at one point or another. He had spent three months having his hand in a cast after an encounter with Minjae when they were seventeen, he is pretty aware of what this pile of muscles can do.

“What the fuck is going on here?” Mark Tuan’s voice never sounded so beautiful for Jinyoung, even though he isn’t sure how Mark can be brave enough to stand in between him and Minjae. Mark doesn’t really seem to be made out of fighting material, either. “What’s your problem?”

“I’m just not fond of fags calling me an idiot, that’s it,” Jinyoung gets surprised by the fact that Minjae’s voice sounds… calmer? Less aggressive? Weird, it just sounds plainly _weird_.

Mark raises his eyebrow before repeating, “Fags?”

“This guy behind you. He liked things up his ass ever since he was fifteen, so I planned to teach him a lesson or two of how real men should behave.”

For a split second Jinyoung is absolutely sure that Mark is going to go away, leaving Minjae to do whatever he wants, and actually it wouldn’t be a first time for him to be left like that, but suddenly Mark opens his mouth and his voice is so cold that Jinyoung gets chills as it seems like winter has come two months earlier.

“Listen, you pile of shit, because I’m going to repeat it only once. Lay a finger on Park Jinyoung, and I will allow Yugyeom to use your skin for the next set of tires. Do you understand?”

“I…”

“ _Do you understand_?” Mark whispers through his teeth and it’s more convincing than any shouting. “Or should I stick something up _your_ ass, so it would reach your peanut sized brain?”

The guy doesn’t say anything, just flashes a death glare at him, but after a few seconds that feel like an eternity, he walks away mumbling meaningless threats and curses. Mark turns around, his eyes are screaming concern, but Jinyoung looks like he doesn’t even see him anymore.

Jinyoung feels like he’s trapped in a bubble - everyone’s voices are muffled, he barely hears some cars finally finishing their first lap, he hardly sees Mark and everyone else because surroundings for some reason become unclear, like being seen through a broken TV. _His worst nightmare came back, he got exposed in front of a mass of people… Again._

“Jinyoung, are you okay?” Mark says directly into his ear. Coldness from his voice is long gone, now it sounds like a warm spring day, like a sunshine trying to warm him up.

Jinyoung tries to push him away _, it’s your fault, I hate you, why did you take me here, why did you leave me alone_ , _why did you_ save _me,_ he feels the bitterness of the beer coming up his throat again and few seconds after he’s throwing up on the cold grey concrete.

“Shit,” Mark curses. His own legs starts shaking, but soon he get himself together. It’s not the time to freak out. _Jinyoung needs him._ _Yugyeom and Bambam will need to finish the race on their own._

He wraps his arm around Jinyoung’s waist, feeling the latter’s weight pulling them both down. Jinyoung is still trying to push Mark away, but his punches and kicks get weaker and weaker. Before getting dragged to the car he throws up two more times.

“Sit still,” Mark almost begs after putting Jinyoung into the passenger’s seat, praying that he wouldn’t have any strength to run away.

Fortunately, the latter doesn’t move anymore, he just sits in his seat looking in the void in front of him, pale and exhausted. It would look as if he had too much drinks, but Mark knows for sure that no one gets an alcohol poisoning from one can of beer.

“Drink this,” Mark softly tells, giving an open water bottle to the pitiful mess of a human next to him and tries to brush some sweaty strands of Jinyoung’s hair away from his forehead. “Are your parents home?”

Jinyoung wants to laugh, because _no, his parents are never home when he needs them, his father is not even in Korea anymore, because he was busy fucking Jinyoung’s mother’s sister_ _and his mom wouldn’t even care if he crawled back home dying_ , but he just slightly shakes his head.

“That friend of yours, whom you were talking with yesterday?”

 _Youngjae is busy, Youngjae actually has friends and a normal life._ He would rather eat himself alive than interrupt his Friday night with such a dazzling appearance. One more head shake.

“God damn it,” Mark curses, hitting the wheel and it makes Jinyoung flinch. “I’m not going to leave you alone tonight, not like that.”

“You don’t have to,” Jinyoung sighs, voice completely emotionless. “Just leave me somewhere here and go back, your team needs you. I’m sorry that I ruined the race for you, I’m so… so… terribly sorry that you heard what you heard, I’m… sorry that I’m a disgusting trash… I’m ---“

His later words are muted by an uncontrollable sobbing and Mark feels terribly tired all of a sudden, like a heavy rock would be crushing his heart after seeing Park Jinyoung, always confident and bright, feeling so exposed and fragile, crying his brown eyes out in his car, and he unconsciously drags Jinyoung into his embrace.

Few minutes later, Mark Tuan smells of vomit and tears, as carefully drives through the sleeping city, keeping an eye on Jinyoung, while the latter keeps soullessly looking through the window, a few tears still rolling down his cheeks.

Mark gives Jinyoung a pair of pants and a t-shirt before sending him off to shower, when they get to his place and stands behind the closed door of the bathroom listening to running water all that time, ready to interfere if Jinyoung would think of doing something funny.

Only an hour later, when Jinyoung is finally pretending to be sleeping in Mark’s bed and the latter is trying to get comfortable on the floor, Mark can’t close his eyes. He keeps thinking about what happened tonight, silently greeting the sunrise.  Jinyoung next to him is sobbing again.


	5. Chapter 5

_Radio. Racing. Mark Tuan. It’s too hard to open his damn eyes. Racetracks. Beer cans. Is he finally dying. Why does it look like Bambam and Yugyeom are mocking him. Why is it so hard to breathe. Minjae. Leave me alone, Mark. Headache. Why does Youngjae look so disappointed. You’re a trash, Park Jinyoung._

_Useless._

_Worthless._

_Scum._

When Jinyoung finally manages to crack his eyes open, saving himself from yet another upcoming nightmare, his breathing is shallow and his throat feels dry like a desert. He feels a familiar heaviness crushing his chest and wishes that last night would be just an extremely vivid bad dream. However, looking at greenish walls of Mark’s room, Jinyoung has to accept that it’s not.

He turns his head to the left, where he remembers last seeing Mark before burying his face into the pillow wishing to disappear, but all Jinyoung sees now is a bunch of messy sheets on the ground. He starts to feel worse, if that’s even possible, seeing no mattress, meaning that Mark slept on the bare floor.

The room is not the cleanest place he has ever slept in - there are some pieces of clothing here and there and some trash on the table, mostly empty packages from fast food. But it’s definitely not the worst place, either. Jinyoung sees a few family photos on the windowsill, some books, neatly lining up in the shelves, most of them new, barely touched.

Jinyoung wonders, averting his eyes to the white ceiling of the room, what on earth Mark is thinking about him right now.

 _Who cares, actually._ Jinyoung _did_ want to keep Mark away from the mess his life is, right? Maybe this whole nightmare will be in his favor after all, even if it’s in a sick way like this.

Jinyoung is in the middle of recreating the entire scene of yesterday in his head again, when he hears a clock ticking, for some reason unbearably loud and annoying. He feels another wave of headache coming up. It’s 11:48 AM. _Shit._

He hurriedly gets off the bed, feeling slightly weak and dizzy from vomiting his guts out last night. The clothes Mark gave him smell of washing powder and spring. Jinyoung always loved the smell of fresh laundry.

He makes his bed and then carefully picks the bedsheets from the ground, neatly folding them and placing on the bed. Mark’s pillow is pastel pink and somehow Jinyoung feels weirdly amused by this fact.

When he finally leaves the room, Jinyoung realizes that the flat is quiet, as if no one would be home. For a second he gets scared that maybe he was left alone in an unfamiliar place, but soon he finds Mark in the kitchen. It looks like the latter is watching something on his laptop, carelessly left almost on the edge of the table, but after Jinyoung takes a better look, he learns that it’s not the case.

Mark is sleeping, earphones still plugged into his ears, as if he fell asleep in the middle of a song or a movie. Jinyoung doesn’t wake him up, instead he takes a chair and sits in front of him, observing the guy. Mark’s head is resting on his right arm and his shoulders are slowly rising and falling as he breathes. Jinyoung watches how the rays of autumn sun coming through the window are playing with Mark’s hair and he can’t help but start wondering why Mark is doing all this for him.

It hasn’t been a full week since they first met. It was just a radio show, just an interview, Mark didn’t have to invite him for lunch. He didn’t need to invite Jinyoung to watch the race, didn’t need to waste his time. Most importantly, Mark wasn’t obliged to defend him last night, Jinyoung wouldn’t even have blamed him if he just had walked away.

People getting fed up with his shit and leaving wasn’t a surprise anymore to him and Jinyoung, being absolutely sure that he doesn’t deserve any better anyway, allows himself to push away the idea that Mark Tuan is so kind _just because_. Definitely, he must want something more, _it’s just the nature of people_.

Jinyoung, lost in his thoughts again, doesn’t notice when Mark finally opens his eyes. He just hears it when Mark finally pushes the laptop away, protecting it from a potential danger of falling.

“Awake already?” Mark asks, taking the earphones off, trying to rub sleepiness away from his dark eyes. His voice sounds a little hoarse. “Shit, it’s past midday, your family must be worried.”

Jinyoung wants to laugh bitterly, because _no, they most probably aren’t_ , but he doesn’t say anything as he watches Mark standing up, stretching a bit before putting the laptop on top of the fridge. Mark’s movements are easy and swift, as if he wouldn’t have spent most of the night sleeping on the floor. He doesn’t say anything and Jinyoung is a bit surprised, actually.

He expects an avalanche of questions, a few useless attempts to convince him that everything’s okay, some pitying stares, maybe even a lecture that being gay doesn’t change anything in Jinyoung’s life and that the past is in the past, similar to the one Youngjae gave him once… but Mark is different, he can tell.

Only when he returns to the table with two cups of coffee and pushes one towards his guest, Mark finally asks the question Jinyoung doesn’t expect.

_“How do you feel?”_

The usual sequence of events in Jinyoung’s life would go like this – Mark was supposed to ask whether he’s is okay, get a positive answer and then leave him alone. It was always like that, everyone - Youngjae, Jackson, Jaebum even - always asked the same question.

It never meant anything for him to say the _yes_ they all were so eager to hear and leave Jinyoung alone, feeling relieved that they don‘t need to deal with him. Jinyoung always was _okay_ – he had both arms and legs, he was relatively healthy. Of course he is _okay_ in the common sense, and he took the advantage of this wordplay.

But then again, things with Mark Tuan never go the usual way. Jinyoung can‘t give a _yes_ now, because it wouldn‘t even make sense, but the problem is, he never asked himself how exactly does he feel. Jinyoung never was the type to nitpick his every emotion, he just experienced a storm of them all at once.

Mark is patiently waiting for his answer, his gaze is soft, even softer than yesterday, when he was hugging Jinyoung in the car. The latter remembers the hug and shivers. He feels mad at himself for allowing Mark so close.

“I’m… okay,” Jinyoung finally finds the most neutral answer without disclosing too many details. But it seems like this trick doesn’t work with Mark.

“It’s not what I asked.”

Jinyoung sighs. Why Mark can’t just leave him alone in this? It would be easier for both of them. If he wanted to be helped, then maybe, _just maybe_ , all these conversations would be useful. But he doesn’t want that, Jinyoung just wants to destroy himself.

“I feel… sorry?” he tries to read from Mark’s eyes if this answer is acceptable.

_It isn’t._

“Sorry for who?”

“For you,” Jinyoung feels tired. He doesn’t know how much he slept, but it clearly wasn’t enough and this whole situation is just sucking the energy out of him. And just because Mark is around, it’s still moderate. When Jinyoung will finally be all alone with his thoughts and won’t need to pretend, it’s going to be dozens of times worse.

Mark raises his eyebrow, as he lifts his cup next to his mouth, “Why?”

“That you had to meet me.”

Mark sighs. Park Jinyoung was a lot harder case than he ever imagined to be when he first saw that confident but sad look in his eyes in the radio. Something abouy that boy, who is sitting across the table from him, feels magical for Mark, alluring even, and he was willing to explore. Ready to help, ready to be that person Mark always needed for himself, when he felt all alone.

“Your clothes are in the bathroom,” he finally says and Jinyoung is thankful that he doesn’t dig deeper into the topic anymore. “I washed them earlier this morning.”

“Thank you,” Jinyoung slowly responds, tracing Mark’s features with his eyes. Mark doesn’t reply.

When Jinyoung comes back from the bathroom finally having his own clothes on, which smell exactly like Mark’s t-shirt and still are a bit wet, Mark gives Jinyoung back his phone and keys. Phone’s battery is dead.

“Found these in your pockets before shoving everything into the washing machine,” he explains, even though nobody asks. “If you want, you can stay, I don’t mind.”

Jinyoung doesn’t want that. He puts his shoes on, collects his belongings and says, “I know it might be obvious, but just in case. Let’s keep this story between ourselves.”

Mark nods, Jinyoung can be calm about that, but he isn’t. He never trusted people, and knowing that someone is aware of his past turns a loud alarm of danger inside him. Jinyoung feels like it’s time to go, but suddenly he feels so scared, he doesn’t know how to start moving.

“Let’s go for a ride,” Mark randomly offers, suddenly feeling like it’s better not to leave Jinyoung alone, even though it is exactly what the latter wants.

Jinyoung gets surprised by this offer. All he wanted is to go home and sleep, maybe cry a bit trying to forget the humiliation of yesterday, to delete the encounter with Jung Minjae from his head and try to lead a “normal” life once again – trying to patch up the shattering pieces of his true self with never ending lies that everything is fine.

“Where to?” he asks instead. Maybe if he does what Mark asks today, he will stop feeling like he owes something to the guy. Jinyoung hates that feeling with his guts, at least with that part of it he still hasn’t vomited out yet.

“I don’t know,” Mark shrugs, surprised that it wasn’t so hard to make Jinyoung at least consider the idea. “Anywhere. Just away from this city. We both need some space to breathe.”

Jinyoung doesn’t mind. Running away was always one of his biggest wishes of all time anyway. He waits for Mark to get changed into something more suitable for long hours of driving and then a few minutes later he settles in the passenger seat, which is unfortunately starting to become more and more familiar.

They sit in silence as Mark drives through the city, not bothering each other. Only when Jinyoung gets fed up with the silence and they enter the suburbs, he asks, “When you lived in the States, where did you usually go at the times like this? When you wanted to run away?”

Mark takes a moment before answering, and when he finally does, his voice sounds terribly longing and Jinyoung tries to imagine how much Mark must miss his home and family.

“There’s this road, Route 66, around 2,400 miles across the country,” he replies, still focusing on the road ahead. “When I was a teenager, I always dreamed how one day I will get my license and drive all the way down to the other side of the States, without thinking about anything, not missing anyone, without any concerns.”

His voice trails off for a second, but soon he continues.

“But I was only fourteen back then, so the most I could do was to get in a bus going to that direction and get off in the nearest city, so my parents wouldn’t notice that I disappeared for too long. But ever since those days Route 66 sounded like a synonym of healing for me.”

Jinyoung turns to him, “Did it help? To get rid of the things you wanted to disappear from your mind?”

Mark slightly smiles, “It used to take like thirty, maybe forty minutes until we would reach the bus stop I used to get off in. I don’t think you can fix things in your head during that small amount of time. But what about Korea, though, is there any road like that?”

Jinyoung wants to question what kind of things Mark wanted to fix in his head, but instead he answers, “National Route 77. Around 700 miles all the way across the entire country, too. We can visit shitloads of cities on our way.”

Mark looks at the road signs and suddenly he starts laughing, pointing straight. Jinyoung follows his gesture and learns that the National Route 77, South Korea’s very own Route 66, is conveniently waiting them just a few miles to the right.

“I guess, we’re going then,” Jinyoung murmurs, trying to get more comfortable in his seat. He just hopes that Mark won’t be stupid enough to actually drive those 700 miles just because _they need some space to breathe_. They would be back home only tomorrow, at the best.

They stop at the gas station for a while and Mark gets Jinyoung a cup of coffee and a sandwich, but doesn’t buy anything for himself. Jinyoung starts nagging him, trying to convince Mark to take half of the sandwich. The latter settles only for a sip of his coffee. Everything seems like a vacation of good old friends, even though they both know that it’s not exactly the case.

“It might seem like the end of the world, having some people to know about your sexuality and such,” Mark suddenly says, and Jinyoung has to put down his cup. He didn’t expect to have this kind of a conversation out of the blue. “It looked like that for me too, when I was going through it, but it isn’t, really.”

Jinyoung almost spills the coffee on his lap. _What is that supposed to mean?_

“You don’t… you don’t like girls?” he finally stutters.

Mark bitterly smiles, taking a sharp turn left, “I fuck guys, Jinyoung, let’s not hide behind nice words. I got beaten up for this countless times when I lived in USA, and even more when I moved to Korea, just because I trusted people too much. I was bullied not because of the language barrier or shit. People were angry that I’m not dreaming about fucking the school’s hottest girl, not because my Korean skills were like a seven year old’s or because I didn’t know how to bow perfectly.”

Jinyoung takes a while to process this new info. Even though Mark’s voice is relatively calm, he notices that Mark’s hands are grabbing the wheel so tightly now, that the skin around his knuckles is all white.

“I’m sorry,” Jinyoung mumbles, not really knowing what to say.

He always wished to meet someone who would have gone through the same things as he did, but now that it finally happened… It just makes him angry, furious at dumb narrow minded people who turned his, Mark’s and a lot of other’s lives into hell.

“Don’t be. You’re sorry way too often.”

“Why are you doing all this, Mark? Telling me personal stuff like that, defending me?”

Mark thinks for a while, “I don’t know. I just don’t want you to suffer because of what happened yesterday. I know what it feels like.”

Even though the things that happened yesterday weren’t the only reason of why he’s sick and tired of his own life and Mark’s words doesn’t take away all the pain, Jinyoung feels thankful.

They fall into silence again and at some point, when they’re halfway Mokpo, Jinyoung gets sleepy and Mark stops the car, so he could move to the back seat. When they start moving again, however, Jinyoung realizes that he barely can close his eyes, there are just too many things going on in his head. But for the first time silence in the car doesn’t bother him.

“I’m sorry I’m not that much of a talker,” Mark says as if he had read his mind. His voice, like always, sounds quiet and calming. “It’s just… I’m like that.”

“It’s okay,” Jinyoung assures. “I feel… calmer around you. It’s a good kind of silence.”

“You’re the first one to say that. Usually people just call me awkward.”

They reach Mokpo only in the evening, when it’s already dark outside. There’s not much to see since they both don’t know any place to go. Instead of sightseeing of any sorts, Jinyoung forces Mark to sleep in the car for a bit before going home. He doesn’t want to risk them getting into a car accident if Mark suddenly fell asleep while driving.

They get back to Seoul after another five hours on the road when it’s already way past midnight. Mark, like usually these days, drives him back home, but Jinyoung isn’t in a rush to get off the car this time. Instead, he just looks at Mark, who’s visibly dead tired and sleep deprived, but somehow satisfied.

“Thanks,” Jinyoung says silently. “For telling me. I appreciate that.”

“If it helps, that’s the least I can do,” Mark waves him goodbye. “Don’t be so hard on yourself.”

Jinyoung sadly smiles. If only his brain worked that way.

When he finally turns on his phone, he finds 29 text messages and 13 missed calls from Youngjae, who’s scared to death, and one angry voice mail from Jaebum, saying that if Jinyoung won’t call him or Youngjae back until the midnight, they’re going to call the police. _Oops, too late._

Jinyoung for a second wonders how terrified Youngjae must’ve been that he contacted Jaebum out of all people, when he has openly declared a war to him, then deletes all the messages and call logs. Ironically enough, his own mom hasn’t called even once.

He lies down on his bed, trying to not allow bad thoughts to take over, but he’s just too weak to resist his own brain. It’s just a usual mixture of voices, but tonight they are clear like never before. Jinyoung knows that he should force himself to believe that those voices are lying, just using his weaknesses against him, but he just can’t.

_Youngjae will soon have enough of your shit. It’s all your fault._

_Jaebum was never your friend. You will never be as good as him at anything._

_Jackson is not laughing_ with _you. He’s laughing_ at _you._

_Mark…_

Mark asks him out on a date a week after their trip to Mokpo and Jinyoung freaks out so badly that he gets a panic attack. 


	6. Chapter 6

Jinyoung thinks he did quite a good job in fixing himself. Only three sleepless nights of tracing the veins on his wrists, wondering what would happen if he did it with something else than his fingers; three sets of bedsheets drenched in his tears that got thrown out; four lost kilograms and Jinyoung’s exterior is back to normal.

He starts laughing and cracking jokes again, his voice doesn’t sound dead anymore, which makes his radio shows more bearable to listen. Jinyoung even re-applies for an internship at a small local TV station.

Inside his head, however, he’s still the same – ugly, untalented and done with himself, the same mess that was carefully crafted over the years. Jinyoung manages to shove it to the farthest side of his brain and for a while it’s enough.

Mark texts and calls him a few times that week, mostly to have some meaningless chat or to share some funny videos he found. He doesn’t say it, but it’s clear that Mark is trying to check up on him this way. Jinyoung does his best to show that he’s fine and doesn’t need Mark babysitting him anymore, but the truth is, he’s ashamed.

He feels guilty for all this trouble and inconvenience he caused Mark, for making the latter talk about his hurtful past. Bambam and Yugyeom lost the race and came back last, all because Jinyoung had a usual moment of his life and Mark thought that he can save him. _Probably they hate him now._

It happens on Friday, when Jinyoung doesn’t expect it at all.

He is spending the lunch break in university’s cafeteria, staring at Youngjae, who’s shoving food down his throat like he hasn’t eaten in ages. Jinyoung doesn’t feel hungry, he just followed his friend here, because the cafeteria is always quiet and he wanted to escape all the noise.

“So, still not going to tell me where the hell have you been?”

Youngjae still is a bit mad for that night. At first he even refused to talk with Jinyoung, when the latter came to apologize, but soon he knocked it off. Jinyoung looked genuinely sorry and Youngjae just felt relieved that he’s alive.

“Went for a ride, I told you already,” Jinyoung mumbles, playing with the additional pair of chopsticks Youngjae accidentally got while buying food.

“With who?”

Jinyoung never told him about Mark and what actually happened that Friday night. He felt a bit guilty for hiding it from his friend, but it was for the best – Youngjae would’ve freaked out only by hearing Minjae’s name, then he would blurt it out to either Jackson or ever worse, Jaebum, and this whole thing would become even messier. Jinyoung doesn’t need that, it was his and, unfortunately, Mark’s secret, and he wishes for it to remain like that.

Instead of answering, he just steals a spoonful of rice from Youngjae’s bowl and stuffs it in his own mouth, only to have an excuse to remain silent.

“Anyway,” Youngjae rolls his eyes, he’s sick of this trick. Jinyoung does this way too often. “Whoever you went with, do you think something can work out between you both?”

Somehow Youngjae was always convinced that all his friend needs to do to in order to solve his problems is to find a significant other. Jinyoung knows that the younger is not that shallow to care only about dating or stuff - he was well aware that Youngjae only wanted to add another member to the babysitting squad. To add another person, who would help distracting Jinyoung from his self-hatred.

_There are no people in their right minds who would want to do that, Youngjae._

“You know what I think about it,” Jinyoung suddenly feels sick from the taste of rice in his mouth and spits it out into a napkin. Seems like his body started rejecting food all of a sudden.

“Yes, I know and it’s stupid,” a slight note of irritation appears in the younger’s voice. It’s subtle, Youngjae never allowed himself to snap at Jinyoung, but it’s still there.

The latter never saw a point in dating anyone, as he saw himself as an ugly idiot, who just gets lucky to pass his exams, not worth any special attention. He was strongly determined to spend his whole life alone, occupying himself with various jobs, just quietly living his life. Wishing for it to end as soon as possible.

Sometimes Jinyoung wondered why he choose to study broadcasting, it’s not like he’s extremely talented in hosting radio shows, not like he’s smart and good looking enough to be picked to host any shows on TV. Nobody needs people like him in a field like this. _Great, it’s all back again. Three days of work with his own mind is now gone to waste._

“Well sorry, but your opinion doesn’t matter in this,” he blurts out. He wants to bite his tongue off, as he sees Youngjae slamming his spoon on the table so loudly that some students and cafeteria staff turn to their table to give them a glare.

They don’t talk anymore until Youngjae finishes his meal and says he has to go to the library. He doesn’t ask Jinyoung to go together, and the latter just sighs, looking at the younger moving to the exit without even saying goodbye. _To ruin a day for someone even before the noon – check, good job, you piece of shit._

He tries to distract himself by taking out his notebook and turning on the calendar in his phone, trying to write down the tasks for the upcoming week, as they have a new schedule for radio shows.

Tuesday’s morning news is now Jaebum’s responsibility, along with Friday afternoons and evenings. Jackson’s entertainment news and review of music charts are now scheduled for Wednesdays, meaning he can’t go to lectures that day. Jinyoung will need to sneak into his classes to take notes for him, since he has time and Jackson was begging.

Jinyoung’s Thursday evenings and the time slot after Tuesday’s morning news remain untouched, but he also has to take over Jaebum’s show where he’s interviewing professors and other big names of the university, meaning he most probably will have to skip a lecture or two in Monday.

And all this only because Jaebum is busy with his internship. _Stupid asshole with his stupid KBS internship, why do we need to change everything only because he can’t deal with his schedules._

“Boo!” he suddenly hears a voice shouting right next to his ear and flinches. A shaky line gets dragged all across the word Jinyoung is writing, and he grits his teeth. _Wonderful._

“I hate when people creep on me like that,” he says, making some space for Mark to sit next to him.

They haven’t met in person ever since they came back from Mokpo, but Mark looks all the same – dark brown hair, today looking extremely messy, the same sheepish smile playing on his lips. He’s wearing the same shirt he gave Jinyoung that night.

“Sorry,” Mark’s laughter fills the place.  

For a while they just sit like that, shoulder to shoulder, while Jinyoung is rewriting his ruined notes. For some people it would look like he is completely ignoring the guy, but actually it’s quite the opposite – he feels okay with just sitting, feeling Mark’s shoulders rising as he breathes, observing Jinyoung.

He can pretend how much he wants – Mark sees Jinyoung’s pale face, his cheekbones sticking out due to the weight he lost, his black circles now are even worse, and his eyes are filled with the same sadness Mark has grown familiar to.

“What are you doing here?” Jinyoung asks, closing his notebook, averting his stare to Mark.

“I was searching for you.”

“Why?”

Mark wants to start speaking, but suddenly it feels like he has forgotten all the Korean words he has ever learned. He was practicing, he even _rehearsed_ what he’s going to say, but now his throat is all dry and instead of talking, his eyes are screaming for help.

“Earth to Tuan?” Jinyoung snaps his fingers in front of Mark’s face.

He hates when Mark spaces out like that. He always leaves the messages seen for hours, then answers saying that he forgot to reply, or even better, fell asleep in the middle of the day. Mark always hangs up in the middle of a call by accidentally pressing the wrong key on his phone. Sometimes it’s endearing and makes Jinyoung laugh even, but most of the times it's tiring.

“Let’s go on a date,” Mark finally blurts out, already imagining himself slamming his head into a wall later, because it wasn’t supposed to be so blunt, so straightforward and _dumb_.

Jinyoung doesn’t even bat an eyelash, “Your sense of humor is a bit…”

“I’m not joking,” Mark sighs, determined to fix the mess he just made. The problem is, he doesn’t know how. He just sits there all burning red, ready to disappear from the surface of the earth.

Jinyoung starts laughing, but his laugh doesn‘t reach his eyes. He knows Mark isn‘t joking, he sees it in every inch of his body. However, there‘s nothing Jinyoung can do.

He definitely won‘t let Mark get deeper into the mess his life is, and by dating he is asking for a permission to do exactly that. It‘s enough already that Jinyoung is dragging Youngjae after him, he doesn’t want to ruin Mark’s life on top of that.

_Give up, run as far as possible from me._

“No,” laughter is long gone from Jinyoung’s voice, his words are clear and strict. For a better effect he adds, “I don’t want to.”

He sees Mark’s eyes getting darker, the previous blush form his cheeks is gone. Jinyoung has to admit, feeling his heart beating faster and faster, that it won’t be so easy to protect Mark Tuan, when the latter clearly doesn’t look like he’s going to give up.

“Why not?”

Jinyoung could’ve just told him that he doesn’t like him that way or something, but after all the efforts to make his miserable life at least a bit better, Jinyoung feels that he owes Mark the truth, or at least some part of it.

“You will just get hurt,” Jinyoung says, tracing an ornament on the surface of the table with his nail. “You deserve way more than I will ever be able to give you.”

“I won’t get hurt.”

_So the soft talk doesn’t work on him. Okay, let’s try this._

“You will get to know me, and then you’ll realize what kind of pile of shit I really am. What you saw that weekend lasts for weeks, sometimes even months,” Jinyoung starts. _Believe me, Tuan, you don’t want to experience that_. “And there’s nothing you or anyone else can do about it.”

“I want to help you.”

Jinyoung decides that either Mark is dumb, deaf or just doesn’t listen to what he is saying.

“You will get sick of me. I ignore texts and calls when I feel like it. I sometimes disappear and don't talk with anyone for weeks, my life is a mess. You will be dragged into this, I will lash out at you. I will be blaming you for everything. I will ruin you, shatter your world, and – how does that cringe-worthy line go? – _you will realize why hurricanes are named after people_.” 

“It won’t be like that, I promise,” somewhere deep in his heart, Mark expected that Jinyoung will try to make him stay away, but he didn’t prepare for it.

Now all he can do is to feed Jinyoung with promises, the ones he seems to hate so much, even though Mark can’t get any more sincere than he is now.

Jinyoung wants to laugh, this time honestly.

“It _will_ be like that, Mark. Don’t you think that I should know how my life goes? You will grow tired of me. All you will think about will be how to leave me without hurting me that much. Because you will still _care_ about my feelings, even though I won’t give a shit about yours.”

Jinyoung feels out of breath, his heart is pounding like he just ran a marathon and his hands are shaking. He wishes that someone would interrupt them, make Mark go away and never come back, because even after all these horrendous warnings, the latter is still staring directly at Jinyoung with the softest gaze someone has ever looked at him.

“You’re not a fortune teller,” Mark says calmly, but his voice shakes a bit. “If you’re okay with the thought of me being your boyfriend, I’m okay with all the traits you will bring along.”

Jinyoung buries his head into his palms, feeling like his heart is going to explode. There is too much air to breathe out and too little to breathe in. Why is it so hard to understand? These are not _traits_. It’s just _Park Jinyoung_ , broken beyond repair, this is who he is.

“You don’t even know me for that long, why would you want to date me,” he mumbles.

Mark keeps silent for a while, and Jinyoung thinks that he doesn’t even have an answer, but when he looks at him, Mark calmly answers, “I know you. You walk like you want to disappear. Your eyes look like you lost any wish to live. Your fake cheery voice keeps echoing in my earphones, when I listen to the radio, but all I hear is a shout for help. You need someone, and I want to be that person.”

_Lies. He doesn’t need help._

“Last Friday,” Jinyoung starts his last argument, hoping that it will hurt Mark so much, he will stand up and leave, “It was supposed to be our last meeting. I planned to piss you off so you would never talk to me again. I would’ve succeeded, you know.”

“I know, I felt it,” Mark responds. “I may not say a lot of things, but I see through you.”

Jinyoung has enough. He feels everything around getting blurry, his head is throbbing in pain, his damn heart just doesn’t calm down and he feels certain that few seconds more and he will get a panic attack. Jinyoung stuffs everything into his backpack with shaky hands and runs. Runs as fast as he can, as far as possible, leaving the cafeteria behind him. Mark doesn’t follow.

He stops only next to the radio building, leaning against the cold wall, feeling his lungs almost burning. He also feels tears streaming down his face, but he blames the panic attack he was about to have. He feels like shit, _but hey, isn’t that a familiar feeling to him._

It’s not that Jinyoung absolutely hated the _idea_ of dating Mark. He really isn't the worst person out there, and if circumstances were different, Jinyoung would probably kill to have a boyfriend like that, seeing how caring and kind Mark’s personality is. But now… Everything he said earlier, it’s all true.

Jinyoung is just like that, being with him is like playing with an explosive. You never know when it will blow you up.

He is pretty sure that if Mark has enough brain, _and he does_ , he won’t talk to Jinyoung ever again after today.

He wipes his tears and decides to spend the rest of his day in the radio, listening to music and creating playlists. Somehow making transitions between songs and commercials was the only activity that helped to forget everything that surrounded him. That’s why the radio always had all of its playlists made weeks before they actually aired. Jinyoung needs distractions way too often.

Luckily, he doesn’t meet Jackson anywhere, avoiding unnecessary questions about why his eyes are red and swollen and why he’s shaking. Jinyoung just plops in the chair next to his desk, resting his head against the wooden surface.

“You?” he hears someone behind him.

Unfortunately, Jinyoung forgot that Fridays are Jaebum’s.

“What are you doing here?” Jaebum’s voice is careful, but cold. They haven’t talked ever since Jinyoung snapped at him after the lecture. “I assume you’re here not because you wanted to have a friendly chat, are you?”

There’s a hint that Jaebum is still hurt by Jinyoung’s words, and the latter raises his head, turning to the guy.

He looks tired - internship, studies, radio stuff and all the other responsibilities must be taking a toll on him, but Jinyoung can’t force himself to feel at least a tiny bit sorry for him.

“You’re right,” he slowly responds and it sounds way more sarcastic and harsher than he intends. “Like always.”

Jaebum sighs and lowers his head closing his eyes, as if he was done with Jinyoung’s shit. He probably is, the latter thinks, when the guy grabs a chair from the corner of the room and sits next to him, deep dark gaze scanning him from head to toe.

Jaebum’s eyes shift to the monitor, where he sees a pink sticky note attached. He never noticed it before, he was too busy, but now he sees the doodle of a teddy bear, and it somehow makes him helplessly smile.

“Where’s this from?” he reaches out his hand to grab it.

Jinyoung remembers how happy Mark looked when he stuck the drawing there.

“A guest drew it last week.”

Suddenly, Jaebum’s voice starts to sound extremely tired, “When will you stop?”

Jinyoung always was more confident in asking questions than giving the answers, so he just raises his eyebrows and asks, “Stop what?”

“You look like you just rejected someone,” Jaebum continues and for a while he looks genuinely concerned. For that while he looks like the old Im Jaebum he was, when they both were a duo of dumb nineteen year old freshmen. “Just like you always do.”

“Why do you care?”

“Can you stop pretending that I’m a bad guy, Jinyoung? That I’m the one who never cared?” Jaebum’s voice is silent, like he has ran out of his signature confidence and Jinyoung takes a deep breath. He isn’t ready to have this conversation. Not today. Never. “ _Please._ ”

Before Jinyoung manages to think of a bullshit to tell him, Jaebum’s phone rings and after a few short sentences giving him commands, he hangs up, saying, “I need to go, it’s an emergency.”

He doesn’t say that it’s because of the internship. Contrary to Jinyoung’s initial belief, he doesn’t want to boast about it.

Jinyoung just nods, watching him putting the chair back to its place and heading out of the room. Few seconds after, his own words starts to echo in his head.

_You will be dragged into this, I will lash out at you. I will be blaming you for everything. I will ruin you, shatter your world. All you will think about will be how to leave me without hurting me that much._

_Ask Jaebum, he knows it the best._


	7. Chapter 7

They weren’t dating, at least Jinyoung doesn’t think so, when he’s replaying the entire relationship with Jaebum in his head. It was just _convenient_ for both of them – two coursemates, living across the floor from each other in the dorm, having some things in common, meeting in a freshmen party being completely wasted.

Jinyoung needed a distraction from the thoughts that were boiling in his head for days, Jaebum needed a friend. He was stupid enough to think he needs _Jinyoung_.

The latter rubs his tired eyes, thinking that he needs to get his useless ass to work instead of just thinking about the past. He can continue it later tonight while crying into his pillow, now there are things that need to be done for the radio.

 _These two songs should make a good transition. One doesn’t fit the timing, cut it later. Mark actually wants to date him. Ask Jackson about the midterm reminder he forgot to upload to the system. Why would Mark do this? Some light cheery song will be okay after the commercial. Mark never said he_ likes _Jinyoung. Only that he_ needs help _. Get the playlist approved, something seems off with the copyrights. Mark only wants to_ help _. Mark Tuan, a shelter for a broken piece of trash, a charity providing another shoulder to cry on._

Jinyoung sighs again taking his headphones off. It seems like his screwed up brain just can’t leave him alone, thinking about the most unnecessary things now, wondering what would happen if he accepted Mark’s offer to date.

_You would hurt him, that’s what would happen. Case closed._

Few mouse clicks to save the playlist and Jinyoung decides that it’s enough for today, realizing that he was just copy pasting the same few songs in the playlist, most of them far from fitting the audience. Mark’s _kind offer to help him_ just made everything messier than it already was.

“This was Im Jaebum in the studio, have a good and safe Friday night,” calm and collected, Jaebum’s voice reaches Jinyoung’s ears, and he looks at the glass wall separating him and the room Jaebum is in.

Jaebum came back just a few minutes before his broadcast. His eyes were red and the collar of his white shirt seemed wet for some reason, but Jinyoung didn’t really pay any attention.

He was just happy that Jaebum didn’t try to talk to him again. In fact, for the first twenty minutes after the greeting all he did was listening to music and staring at the wall. Jinyoung found it weird, but he wasn’t in the mood to investigate it further.

“Interview questions for Monday,” Jaebum lightly taps his shoulder ten minutes later, when he’s ready to leave the station. “Since you’re hosting the show instead of me and stuff.”

His voice sounds weird, but Jinyoung allows himself to think that it’s just because he just spoke for 3 hours nonstop.

Jinyoung feels thankful for Jaebum being so professional - not even once he allowed their fucked up relationship to interfere with their projects and nobody outside their circle seemed to know that they don’t even talk on a daily basis.

Only Youngjae knew, but he still wasn’t familiar with a whole of bunch of details, and Jinyoung never planned on dishing them out.

“Okay.”

Jinyoung’s one worded sentences doesn’t surprise Jaebum in the slightest, ”I assume you’re going to stay, so I left my playlist running. Also, the report on social media development for professor Yang is also due on Monday. Send me a copy of yours, I will hand it in for you, since you’re most probably going to skip the lecture.”

If it was a regular day, Jinyoung would’ve just nodded to him and said goodbye like there was nothing wrong between them, like they were just regular colleagues and coursemates. But unfortunately, today is not a regular day.

“Are you okay?” ironically, Jinyoung’s most hated question seems the only one fitting the moment.

“Yeah.”

Jaebum never knew how to lie.

He leaves Jinyoung completely alone in the studio, and the latter rests his head on the wooden surface again, allowing his suppressed memories to take him over. Jaebum’s playlist keeps playing, and Jinyoung helplessly smiles at the song choice.

 

**_Said I’d be gone by five  
But it’s sunrise and I’m still in your bed_ **

_He never was a fan of make-up sex, Jinyoung decides, looking at Jaebum’s back as the latter is soundly sleeping. They’re both nineteen, it’s the middle of the spring semester and they have gotten back together for the third time this month._

_There was nothing to get back to, though, they weren’t dating._

_Jinyoung strictly refused to show any kind of affection towards his boyfriend in public. Trauma from the past, he explained to disappointed Jaebum when Jinyoung refused to hug him for the first time. He lied._

_He doesn’t even remember what he said this time that caused Jaebum to flame up in anger, saying it’s the last time he’s dealing with Jinyoung’s shit._

_He never said that before, the latter thinks, looking at Jaebum who’s now in his dreamland, calmly resting his head on the pillow, having no idea what is about to happen._

_Even though as per usual, Jaebum was the first one to offer to make peace again, Jinyoung clearly sees that he’s slowly getting fed up with this situation._

_This relationship was far from being healthy._

_“Why are you not sleeping?” Jaebum hums in his ear._

_“Thinking.”_

_Jaebum sleepily sighs, resting his head on Jinyoung’s shoulder, “It never ends well when you start thinking.”_

**_Goodnight usually means goodbye_ **

_“Goodnight,“ Jinyoung whispers, turning to another side._

_Next morning Jaebum wakes up in an empty bed and Jinyoung goes missing for a week. When Youngjae‘s parents finally find him on the other side of the country in Busan, he doesn’t show any signs of knowing Jaebum. They become just regular acquaintances, accidentally having some projects to work on together. Jinyoung moves out from the dormitory._

_All Jaebum‘s text messages, calls and questions about their relationship go unanswered, but Jinyoung is there for him when he needs some help or advice._

_Like a guardian angel guarding the person whose life he fucked up._

 

Jinyoung turns off the computer with a heavy heart, knowing extremely well that as soon as he leaves the radio building and puts his earphones in, he’s going to listen to the same song Jaebum left playing.

_This relationship is much more complex than just a few fights and a messy breakup, just that Jinyoung never disclosed any details to anyone. He’s not even sure if Jaebum himself has the faintest idea of why things ended up like they did._

During these years, of course, Jinyoung had replayed a lot of scenes of their relationship in his head. He had done that countless times, thinking of every alternate ending, changing every sentence he has ever said to Jaebum, changing every sentence Jaebum has ever told him, but every time the conclusion is the same – it’s for the best.

Jinyoung knows that he left Jaebum hurt, angry and tormented by unanswered questions and doubts, but he couldn’t help it. He was just trying to save Jaebum’s ass before it was too late.

His thoughts are interrupted by heavy rain pouring down on the pavement as Jinyoung steps out of the building. The clock on his wrist says 00:36, there is no bus or subway to take him home, meaning he will need to go by feet. With no umbrella, all alone, in the middle of the night, _typical_. Jaebum gets shoved somewhere deep down Jinyoung‘s brain where all the other mess is hiding.

He gets completely drenched in seconds, but he just presses the earphones into his ears and starts his playlist. Jinyoung doesn’t run, a long a walk home is exactly what he needs to sort out the mess in his head.

Mark’s name seems carved in his brain, as Jinyoung’s steps echo in the empty street. One second he was even eager to agree to date Mark, just to show that he was wrong, that Jinyoung can’t be helped and that all Mark’s promises were worthless.

It‘s not that Jinyoung thought that Mark is lying about his good intentions, he simply thought that Mark is just too bold to claim that he’s able to change something that was happening for years. Jinyoung doesn’t blame him, there’s no way for a person who doesn’t feel the same thing to understand.

He gets so carried away by his thoughts that he doesn’t hear someone getting near him, he just keeps listening to the same song he heard on the radio, replaying it a few times. Jinyoung suddenly feels one earphone being taken of his ear in the middle of the song.

**_If you could love somebody like me  
You must be messed up too_ **

“We’re all messed up,” Jinyoung turns to the source of voice flabbergasted, thinking that he’s about to get assaulted and killed.

He feels Mark’s umbrella above his head and sees that his earphone is now resting in Mark’s left ear.

“You’re now stalking me?” Jinyoung asks, his voice shakes a bit. His heart doesn’t calm down, racing too fast from getting scared, but he doesn’t slow down and Mark has to walk faster to catch up with him.

“I was waiting for you outside the radio, but you took the entire damn day to show up.”

Mark’s voice isn’t even irritated, he’s all smiles like always, making sure that his umbrella is securing Jinyoung’s head and clothes from even more rain. And that’s exactly what makes Jinyoung even sadder.

It would be hundreds of times better if Mark just started to avoid him, dislike or even _hate_ him. It would save so much of Mark’s time. Because of him Mark spent all day outside waiting, putting some kind of _hopes_ in him and this is what Jinyoung hates the most. _He can never live up to the expectations and hopes people put in him._

“My answer is no,” he mumbles.

“I didn’t ask anything. Yet.”

Mark had plenty of time to think about things while he was waiting outside the radio, and he put some effort into it.

Jinyoung is not the type to believe words only, but he has a unique way of interpreting events, giving them meanings Mark never even thought about. Mark is quite sure that Jinyoung was overthinking the situation so much that in his head he probably accused Mark of just wanting to earn some extra karma points by saving a broken soul.

Mark knows that he has a long way to go for Jinyoung to finally trust him.

“Why are you so afraid?” he asks.

“I’m just telling you I don’t want to date.”

“Enough,” Mark sighs, but his voice sounds as patient as ever. “If you really hated the idea of dating me that much, you would be already calling police, because – like you said – I’m _stalking_ you. You don’t seem to be against me, yet you’re trying to push me away. Why?”

“I ruin people’s lives, I told you already,” Jinyoung stubbornly claims, ready to repeat the same things he said in the afternoon. “You don’t know anything about me, and I don’t think you would want to date me if you did.”

Mark’s smile trembles for a bit, as if it’s hard to maintain, “You’re Park Jinyoung, currently twenty one year old, university’s main announcer. Judging from the shows you host, you’re respectful, have a good sense of humor and you have a difficult past. That’s all I need to know for now, everything else we can explore together later on.”

“It’s a not a difficult _past_ ,” Jinyoung groans. Mark just confirmed what he already knew – he liked Jinyoung’s _image_ , the one he shows to others to keep their lives simple, but not _him_. Is there any way to explain this so Mark would understand? “It’s _me_ , it is _me_ who is fucking difficult.”

“I’m difficult too,” Mark suddenly says. _Is he?_ “I’m always late.”

Jinyoung can’t believe his ears. Mark Tuan is just nonchalantly comparing _being late_ to the fuckery he is. _That’s just disrespectful, to say the least._

He doesn’t understand what Mark is trying to achieve by this, as the guy doesn’t seem that dumb to actually think that these things are the same.

“I always lash out at my best friend, even though he has nothing to do with my problems,” Jinyoung says. Maybe naming some of his sins will finally open Mark’s eyes.

“I skip lectures way too often,” the latter doesn’t even bat an eyelash.

“I don’t talk to people for weeks.”

“I sometimes don’t make my bed.”

“I ran away from a friend who needed help.”

“I forget to pay my bills.”

Jinyoung shakes his head, it’s hopeless. Mark has a dumb counterargument for _everything_.

“I’m the shittiest person you will ever meet, being with me automatically means torture for you,” he tries again.

“I snore,” Mark shrugs.

“But you don’t?” Jinyoung blurts out and realizes what he did only when Mark starts laughing. _Why did he have to say this now, why._

“So you know, huh,” Mark teases.

Jinyoung just keeps going, hitting the puddles with his feet as if they have personally offended him.

“I wasn’t sleeping until the dawn, but you feel asleep at some point. You didn’t make any sounds.”

Mark grin becomes even wider, but all he says is, “I’m not dumb, Jinyoung. By refuting all your statements I just wanted to show you that those things don’t mean you’re evil. Show me a person who hasn’t lashed out at someone. Show me someone who hasn’t made mistakes. All those things are _normal_ , just like being late and a shitty attendance score. Not really a great stuff to do, but still _normal_. You’re not a devil of some sort, why do you keep thinking about yourself that way?”

“Listen, you don’t even like me,” Jinyoung says. Mark tries to interrupt him, but he ignores it and continues. “You like only what you think you see in me. Everyone thinks – and I don’t blame them – that it’s only an episode. Bad mood, bad day, stuff like that. That soon it all be fine and I will be happy, all that good stuff. I won’t. I can _pretend_ that I am happy, cheerful and shit, but I won’t be like that, and this is the true _me_. You think that if you stay by my side, it will all be okay. Yes, you might convince me with that for the time being, but one day you’ll leave, and it will kill me.”

“I already said that I’m not leaving,” Mark repeats, looking at Jinyoung helplessly sighing. _It will happen, just wait for it._ “Sometimes you just need an adventure to cleanse that bitter taste of life from your soul. And I’m offering myself as that adventure.”

“You’re very generous,” Jinyoung sarcastically replies. “But you don’t need to waste your time on something that cannot be changed.”

Mark suddenly offers, “Let’s make a deal.”

“What deal?”

“Let’s date until the end of the semester,” Jinyoung’s eyes widen in surprise. “If we see that it’s going downhill we will break up immediately and I won’t interact with you ever again. And if not, after the finals you can decide whether you want to dump me or keep me.”

Jinyoung counts the months left until the final exams of the semester. It’s the end of September now, so barely two. Out of these two months he can take a week or two, _three even if he’s lucky_ , for faking sicknesses or visiting fake relatives in other cities to avoid Mark.

A month and a half at most, that doesn’t sound so bad, Jinyoung can pretend he’s okay for that time being. He’s faking it for years anyway. And then after the finals they will break up, he will come up with some kind of story why they can’t be together anymore.

Besides, Youngjae would be happy too, seeing Jinyoung with someone.

“My last final is scheduled on December 18th,” he finally says. “So let’s do it until then.”

“Great,” a smile lights up Mark’s eyes.

That’s plenty of time to take care of him, doing his best to help Jinyoung overcome whatever that is in his head. There _will_ be a happy ending for this, it just _has_ to work.

“I’m not the best boyfriend anyway, though,” Jinyoung warns. “I barely can cook, I’m sometimes too busy to even sleep, let alone meeting someone. I don’t even like someone touching me that much.”

“Give me your hand,” Mark flashes him a smile.

“I just said that I dislike—“

“Just do as I say.”

Jinyoung reaches his hand out and Mark grabs it. He unconsciously tries to pull his hand out of Mark’s fingers, but it seems like that latter was expecting this and just grabs Jinyoung’s palm tighter.

Mark’s palm is warm and incredibly soft and Jinyoung doesn’t even notice when he stops resisting.

“So, does it really feel that bad?”

He hates to admit, but… _No, it doesn’t feel terrible._

Mark victoriously wiggles his eyebrows and Jinyoung just rolls his eyes.

They agree to start slowly, no forced kisses and hugs, nothing that would make both of them uncomfortable. Mark doesn’t argue when Jinyoung asks for this. He just understandingly nods, saying that Jinyoung should just warn him when the things are going to a wrong direction.

They wind up at Mark’s place, which was a lot closer than Jinyoung’s house. Even though it reminds of a lot of unpleasant things, Mark makes sure to make Jinyoung feel at home.

A bit later, when Jinyoung is all dry and wearing Mark’s clothes again and decides to go through the collection of books in Mark’s shelf, he hears a loud, “What the hell.”

“What’s wrong?” he asks, taking a glimpse at his _boyfriend_ scrolling down his phone, but he’s still more interested in some English novel he found than in Mark’s words.

“Take a look at this.”

Jinyoung takes Mark’s phone to see that the latter was scrolling down his Facebook feed and his eyebrows start rising with every word he sees in the screen.

_Im Jaebum was tagged in a video._

The video is called “An intern getting a warm greeting from his colleagues” and Jinyoung presses play not being sure what he should expect.

The video shows someone being pushed around by people who seem to be his colleagues. The guy is mocked, made fun of, Jinyoung can clearly hear some nasty words thrown at him. Someone splashes a bottle of water on him and the person behind the camera is encouraging the people to do something more.

Even though the video is taken in a way nobody would see the victim’s face, the tag on it says a lot and Jinyoung thinks he now knows why Jaebum’s shirt was wet when he came back to the radio and why he looked like he was crying.

_It’s going viral. Shit._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, just a quick note, if you managed to get through the entire chapter! I’m sorry if you will find any mistakes in this, I tried to edit this as much as I possibly could, but some certain recent events in the fandom were really overwhelming and didn’t allow me to focus properly + I caught a nasty flu (in the middle of the summer, yeah), so I coughed more than I wrote. Anyway, less excuses and I hope you enjoyed – thank you for all your kudos and comments, by the way, you're the best! <3


	8. Chapter 8

Jinyoung feels frozen. His hands are shaking, but suddenly all he feels is just pain, somehow similar to swallowing a broken glass. It spreads in his entire body and Jinyoung feels out of breath. Out of all people, he knows the best what bullying can do to a person.

Jinyoung’s brains are screaming that it’s all his fault.

_If only he got accepted instead of Jaebum, the latter would’ve been safe from this. Who cares what would’ve happened to Jinyoung, he has seen so much worse than some nasty words and a water bottle splashed on him._

“What are we going to do?” he breathes out, giving the phone back to Mark, who spent the last few seconds cautiously observing Jinyoung’s state.

Even though Mark already knows that Jinyoung and Jaebum’s relationship is an important key to Jinyoung’s secrets, he also has a feeling that it’s better to keep Jinyoung away from things like this as much as possible. It’s too hurtful.

“I reported the video,” he says after a few swift touches on his phone. “But it can take a few hours until it’s taken down. Everything else is your decision.”

Jinyoung wants someone to give him some sort of direction what he _should_ do, there are just too many options and he’s too torn between them. The aching feeling of guilt is finally fading, being replaced by sheer panic and attempts to keep his head cool.

He wants to make sure that Jaebum is okay, but at the same time he thinks that if Jaebum _needed_ help, he would’ve let Jinyoung know, he always does. And then again, Jinyoung knows way too well that it’s not a thing you would willingly search help for.

Besides, how is Mark supposed to feel now, when Jinyoung’s head is completely occupied with another guy, and he has no idea about their past?

_Also, why does he care about Mark now?_

“You can start by calling him,“ Mark‘s voice echoes in his ears and Jinyoung takes out his phone, but when he finally finds Jaebum‘s number in the contacts, he starts hesitating.

They never really talked over the phone ever since Jinyoung _saved_ him (or at least that’s how he calls dumping a person without any explanation). The only thing he can hold onto is some messages in various messaging apps, mostly when they were stuck together during the group projects.

The last time Jinyoung called him was probably few months ago, when he forgot the keys of the studio and Jackson was nowhere to be found. Jaebum woke up at 6 AM and drove to the campus only to bring him the keys and be greeted with a dry _good morning_.

 _Snap out of it, while you’re reminiscing the_ amazing _past here, Jaebum needs help, you selfish shit._

Jinyoung’s finger stops a millimeter away from the dial button – some weird inner force just doesn’t allow him to press it. Mark just continues to observe the situation silently, leaving Jinyoung enough space to decide what he wants to do.

Truth is, Jinyoung is once again ashamed. For not being there for Jaebum, for leaving him, for not being enough to take his spot in KBS, not being able to prevent him from getting hurt. He tries again, taking a deep breath, mentally preparing himself for an awkward and uncomfortable conversation in the middle of the night, but again – just before dialing the number, air leaves Jinyoung’s lungs and his fingers refuse to cooperate.

“I don’t think I should—“ he doesn’t even manage to finish the sentence before Mark reaches out his hand and presses the button for him.

Jinyoung tries to protest, as he feels his heart trying to jump out of his throat.

“You will thank me later.”

Jinyoung presses the phone against his ear, secretly wishing that Jaebum wouldn’t pick up. One beep. Two beeps. Three. Four. Five. Six.

_The person that you are calling is currently unavailable. Please try again later._

“Last active 3 minutes ago, he definitely saw what’s happening,” Mark says, looking at his phone, probably trying to reach him through the messenger. He sounds genuinely sorry. “Someone deleted the tag, but everyone is already talking.”

Jinyoung tries calling again, his phone is turned off.

“We probably wouldn’t do any good barging into his house in the middle of the night?” Mark asks, pinching the bridge of his nose, as if it would help him to think. He felt sorry for Jaebum, but Jinyoung’s well-being is a priority for him and the latter is already on the verge of panic.

Jinyoung just helplessly sighs. If Jaebum doesn’t want to be found, there are no chances for them to do so. Jinyoung was a great teacher of subjects no one should be taught about. _How to isolate yourself from people, for example.  
_

“Go to shower, I will make the bed for you,” Mark’s voice, unusually loud, makes Jinyoung snap out of his trance. “There’s nothing else we can do right now, besides, you need some sleep.”

Jinyoung doesn’t realize how easily Mark bosses him around and he doesn’t even say a word against it. Maybe it’s more convenient like that – having clear instructions what do to, when to go to sleep, when to call Jaebum; or maybe it’s only because he is too shaken by the thought that Im Jaebum has just gone viral because of a thing like this. Or maybe because his perception of broadcasting companies being some kind of wonderland has been cruelly shattered.

Perhaps, all of these options at once.

They keep it silent when Jinyoung gets back from the bathroom. He lays down in an already familiar bed, taking his earphones and phone with him. His song choices, however, never were suitable for calm sleeping – even though Jinyoung thought that nobody could feel such despair as he feels, he still found some sort of comfort in words that resembled his situation.

 _ **Oh we’re trapped in this small space**_  
_**Inside a lie that we can’t even escape from**_

Jinyoung is very well aware that he has spent most of his life lying. At first about his family - that they’re a regular happy family, when actually his parents wouldn’t talk with each other for months. Then the lies that everything is fine at school and that the constant bruising on his body appears just because he’s clumsy.

He has never told Jaebum about his past, he never talked about being bullied or the shit that is constantly running through Jinyoung’s messed up mind. The only things he told the guy constantly were countless insults, pushing him away, snapping at Jaebum for everything, only because Jinyoung never felt worthy of being together with someone as talented as him. He just felt _lesser_ , dragging Jaebum down with his shit, stopping him from achieving his dreams.

Jinyoung likes to pretend that the announcer spot was the reason that made them drift away again. And in some way it was – before the tryouts they were able to hold at least some kind of conversation. Just a usual chitchat, _how are you_ , _yeah this lecture sucks_ , _too much homework_ , _can I copy this from you_ kind of stuff.

But after Jinyoung was picked, Jaebum probably wasn’t able to stand the fact that someone so untalented took his place. And Jinyoung can’t blame him, even though Youngjae always told him that he doesn’t even know if Jaebum really thinks like that.

_Why wouldn’t he, though. Jaebum is now free from all this mess, free to use the talents Jinyoung can never even dream of having. Only because he was sick and couldn’t participle in the tryouts doesn’t mean Jinyoung is worth something. The radio just had no other people to accept. Simple as that._

“What are you doing?” his thoughts get interrupted, when he sees Mark getting back from the shower and taking a few bedsheets to make some kind of sleeping place on the floor again.

“You’re sleeping in the only bed I have,” Jinyoung takes out the earphones, so he could clearly hear Mark’s response. “I don’t want to make things weird, since it’s the first night you’re willingly staying at my place.”

Mark shyly smiles, and Jinyoung sighs. He’s not too fond of sleeping in one bed with Mark too, but Jinyoung doesn’t want him to sleep on the cold floor again either. In the end, it’s Jinyoung who should be sent to sleep on the floor for piling his shit on Mark’s shoulders.

“Don’t be ridiculous. There’s nothing weird in sharing a bed.”

Mark refuses a couple of times, but he finally changes his mind when Jinyoung threatens to leave. He sends his pillow flying onto the bed and it hits Jinyoung’s cheek. The latter smiles a bit, being amused of Mark apologizing like he would have hit Jinyoung with a frying pan, but soon he gets a grip on himself.

_You don’t deserve to smile._

Jinyoung feels weird when Mark turns off the lights and his breathing hitches when Mark’s skin brushes against his. Jinyoung almost glues himself to the wall, both trying to make as much space as possible and trying to avoid any contact.

The last time he shared a bed with someone was the night he left Jaebum. Jinyoung never liked the feeling of someone being so close, all those sloppy half-assed kisses and sex were mostly a duty for him, because _everyone does it_ and he didn’t want any unnecessary questions.

Jinyoung never felt forced or anything, Jaebum wasn’t that kind of a person, and sometimes he even enjoyed it, but his partner never knew that his hands roaming over Jinyoung’s body reminded the latter of those countless times he got beaten by his classmates, not something romantic and exciting.

Mark next to him is lying still, too still for it to seem natural and Jinyoung knows that he’s not asleep, but none of them say a word. His own body feels stiff, he even tries to breathe as little as possible, thinking what he has gotten himself into.

_He doesn’t need anyone and yet he’s in one bed with a person whom he knows only for a week. When will you understand, Jinyoung, when will you learn. It won’t help you._

“Still not asleep?” Mark’s voice makes him flinch.

“Just thinking.”

“I have a feeling that it never ends well when you start thinking,” the response makes Jinyoung bitterly giggle. _Where has he heard this one before_.

After a pause he mumbles, “I’m just thinking whether I’m a bad person or not.”

“What do you mean?”

Jinyoung can swear that Mark’s sigh was the usual _here he goes with his shit again_ he is so used to hear from everyone. But at the same time, probably for the first time in _years_ , he decides that he might just have taken it the wrong way.

“Jaebum is somewhere out there suffering, the video is spreading like a wildfire, yet I’m here, in bed with my _boyfriend_ ,” Jinyoung emphasizes the last word so much, it sounds way too sarcastic and Mark’s facial expression drops a bit.

“When will you stop blaming yourself for things that you have no control over?” he asks, but he doesn’t sound annoyed or angry. It sounds plain, just like asking if Jinyoung ate breakfast this morning.

“I owe him.”

_Shit, Mark doesn’t know._

“When I asked you about your relationship with Jaebum, you didn’t tell me everything, did you?” Mark finally asks. He feels weird to say the least. He never imagined being so close to Jinyoung and talking about some other guy whom he doesn’t even know that well. “You’re more than friends?”

“We _were_ ,” Jinyoung corrects him. There’s no point in lying, as it seems like Mark really sees through him anyway. “I don’t even know who we were, to be honest.”

Surprisingly, Mark just understandingly nods and it makes Jinyoung frustrated. He would much rather see Mark standing up and kicking him out of the flat, telling him to make up his mind on what is going on with his life, but he knows Mark wouldn’t have the guts to do that. He’s like Youngjae in a way – too kind, and way more than Jinyoung deserves.

“I just realized how little we know about each other.”

“Well, since we’re both not asleep yet, we can use this time to properly introduce ourselves to each other,” Jinyoung rolls on his side, facing Mark, whose eyes are glimmering in the dusk. _What a perfect couple_ , he bitterly thinks. A psycho and a guy who thinks he can drown Jinyoung’s inner demons. _Too bad, they know how to swim._ “What do you want to know?”

Jinyoung expects some complicated questions – _why are you like this, what happened with you and Jaebum, how many guys have you slept with_. But Mark just keep proving his point about being too innocent and naïve.

“Do you have any siblings?”

“No, I’m the only child. You?”

“Two older sisters and a younger brother,” Mark replies and Jinyoung raises his eyebrows. He always gets surprised hearing about big families. His own mom has openly told that she never planned having any more kids, and that Jinyoung, well… was unexpected, too. “They all live in the States.”

“You must miss your family,” Jinyoung remarks, even though this kind of feeling is unfamiliar to him.

“I do. I usually visit them during the winter and summer breaks,” Mark smile lights up even at the thought about his family members and Jinyoung finds it strangely adorable. “What about your parents? I never heard you mentioning them.”

Jinyoung wants to say that maybe it’s because of the fact that every time they meet Jinyoung is either vomiting all over himself or is busy trying to convince Mark to get lost, but he just settles for, “They’re gone.”

“I’m sorry, I had no idea,” Mark is quick to apologize, but Jinyoung just shakes his head.

“No, they’re not dead. My father now lives in Japan after marrying my aunt and my mother lives in Jinhae. But both of them are gone for me. Circumstances.”

There’s a clear tension in Jinyoung’s words indicating that he’s not comfortable speaking about it and Mark is quick to catch the sign.

“What about your best friend?”

Jinyoung’s face lights up a bit, “Youngjae? We know each other for literally _ages_. We attended the same school, and he was the only one to help me when—“

His words trail off, and Jinyoung feels sick. He doesn’t even have anything to tell about himself – everything just bumps into his fucked up past. Mark doesn’t push him, he just waits for a signal whether Jinyoung is able to continue.

“Anyway,” he gets himself together. “What about your friends?”

“I’m not a sociable person, I don’t have a lot of them,” Mark laughs. “Bambam and Yugyeom are probably the closest, but you’ve already met them.”

“How did you meet them?”

“In the racetracks, of course,” Mark drifts into his memories and a wide smile plays on his lips, as if he was talking about his kids. “They were classmates, both barely fifteen. One night after the race, Bambam just glued himself to my side saying that he wants to learn from me, and Yugyeom tagged along.”

Jinyoung smiles too, thinking that it’s a very _Mark_ thing to do – taking care of random children met in the streets.

“Bambam reminded me of myself,” Mark continues and his smile falters a bit. “Still lacking in Korean and missing his home. Yugyeom’s family wasn’t the best one either. Someone needed to take care of them, and I just watched them grow. They both are young, but their minds are not – they’ve been through a lot. Besides, they were the only ones who visited me in the hospital when doctors were trying to collect me from pieces.”

Jinyoung has completely forgotten about the car crash. He starts wondering why on earth he has never heard about it. As a broadcasting major, he always watched all the news and yet he still can’t remember anyone named Mark Tuan involved in a car crash this big.

“How did it happen?” Jinyoung asks. “The crash?”

Mark shakes his head, “It’s not a topic to discuss now. I will tell you that story one day.”

Jinyoung nods and for a while they stay silent again, until Mark asks the most inappropriate thing, considering the situation they both are in.

“So what are we going to do during our date tomorrow?"

Jinyoung raises his eyebrows, “We’re having a date?”

“Yeah, that’s what couples do.”

“If you’re going to keep deciding everything on your own, then let’s just break up. I hate when people plan things for me without me knowing.”

“Anyway,” Mark’s doesn’t seem fazed, he’s too excited. “What about us meeting your friends?”

Jinyoung lets out a disgruntled sound, asking why on earth this is necessary.

“You met my friends already,” Mark playfully scrunches his nose and Jinyoung has to fight the urge to slap him with a pillow. “It’s only fair.”

He furrows his eyebrows, “Are you trying to get involved in my life as much as possible, so I would feel uncomfortable explaining my friends where did you disappear when we break up?”

“ _If_ we break up and no, but thanks for the idea,” Mark corrects him, and even though on the outside Jinyoung rolls his eyes, showing some sort of a cute annoyance, inside he just mentally sighs.

_Don’t get too attached, Mark, it will leave you hurt._

“Who drags friends along to the first date?” Jinyoung is unwilling to give in.

“But it’s not the first one, though. The lunch break after the show, or the race even, don’t these count?”

Jinyoung scoffs, “We barely talked during that lunch and I vomited on you during the race. Our dates are extremely romantic, what can I say.”

He himself doesn’t understand why he just spoke about the race so nonchalantly as if it wasn’t the reason of why his life started to go downhill again in the worst ways possible.

“Okay, I will call Youngjae in the morning,” Jinyoung finally gives in. If he decided to pretend, then pretending it will be. It won’t hurt any more for him to fake a date on top of everything.

They fall into silence again and he uses that time for trying to call Jaebum again, but his phone is still turned off and Mark checks his Facebook feed, but there’s nothing new, only the video got blocked and taken off for inappropriate content.

“Can I ask you one more question?” Jinyoung suddenly says.

“Yeah, sure.”

He starts speaking slowly, carefully thinking about every word, “When that whole thing during the race happened… Why did that guy obey you and walked away? Minjae never feared anyone.”

“Is that his name, Minjae?” Mark suddenly cringes. “He was trying to bully Bambam back in the day. Unluckily for him, we had some friends who were a tiny bit stronger than this guy. I was glad to see he still remembers that he shouldn’t mess with us.”

Jinyoung isn’t surprised in the slightest hearing about the bullying part. That’s Minjae they’re talking about after all.

“I assume, you know each other quite well?” Mark asks.

“Unfortunately.”

“How bad was it?”

“He broke my arm into pieces when we were seventeen. It healed pretty well, though, but I don’t really like to talk about it.”

Mark just stares at him, but doesn’t say a word. He just wonders what kind of things Jinyoung went through in his life.

“Let’s go to sleep,” Jinyoung says looking at the clock on his phone. It’s 5 AM and he is surprised how quickly time passed by just talking about random things. He could even get used to that, his mind was occupied enough to get rid of irritating thoughts.

_It won’t last long, though, you know that._

“Goodnight then,” Mark says, turning on his side.

Jinyoung doesn’t notice, but he’s not glued to the wall anymore. He feels Mark’s warm and steady breathing into his back, and it finally sounds natural, and Jinyoung carefully makes sure that Mark has enough of the blanket in order not to freeze during the night and closes his eyes.

“Goodnight.”

Jinyoung doesn’t feel when Mark silently sneaks out of the bed after an hour and heads straight to the bathroom. He locks himself up and stares at his reflection in a mirror, tracing the scars on his body left after the crash.

He feels a panic attack coming, he damn knew it was going to come ever since Jinyoung mentioned the accident. Mark just sits down on the floor and hugs himself so tightly he barely can breathe, feeling tears slowly rolling down his face, patiently waiting for it be over.

_Maybe Mark Tuan wasn’t as naïve and dumb as Jinyoung thought. Maybe he also has a past trying to haunt him._


	9. Chapter 9

Jinyoung thinks that his good days are like the last warm breeze of wind in autumn – rare and pleasantly surprising, but misleading; allowing to get just a short grasp on what it feels like, teasing and giving hope that it’s going to last; and then leaving just bittersweet memories and longing shivers on his skin.

His bad days are like severe winter that doesn’t end even though it’s already time to go – it’s cold, unpleasant and it seems like it won’t be warm ever again; people curse and the snow is finally starting to melt at some point, but instead of bringing joy for those waiting it just turns into a filthy mixture of dirty water and mud among newly bloomed flowers.

_Jinyoung is well aware that he’s never going to be a flower._

And there are just _days_. Like those autumn or spring days that aren’t warm and the sky is filled with dark clouds, but it’s actually not that cold and it’s not raining yet. During those days Jinyoung just walks around trapped in this weird bubble of his thoughts, taking care of mundane stuff. Living an ordinary life out of a sheer habit, but not feeling particularly bad about it. However, it has this strange heaviness to it, an ache lingering in Jinyoung’s chest.

Every morning he does a thorough inspection of his mind, trying to figure out what kind of day it is. When he wakes up in Mark’s bed, Jinyoung immediately feels that today is just a _day_. Just another one among many that he has to go through.

His first instinct is to check his phone, because even though it’s just a _day_ , he still hears that annoying squeaky voice in his head accusing Jinyoung of being at fault that Jaebum is suffering.

Eight messages from various people asking what is going on, as if he was Jaebum’s representative of some sort. No messages from Jaebum himself, though, and when Jinyoung tries to call him, the robot lady in the other end of the line announces that his phone is still turned off.

“What happened to _you_?” is the first thing Jinyoung asks, entering the kitchen after hearing some noises there. He wonders when and how Mark managed to leave the bed without him noticing.

Mark gets caught off guard as he doesn’t hear Jinyoung’s silent steps and it’s too late to turn around hiding the dark circles and bloodshot eyes, the evidence of a sleepless night spent in the bathroom trying to calm himself down without waking up his guest.

“I’m just tired,” he says and the lie comes off so professional, for a second Mark thinks that even he himself couldn’t see through it. “We went to sleep pretty late, remember?”

“To be honest, you don’t seem like you slept at all,” Jinyoung remarks, but the unexplainable heaviness in his heart doesn’t allow him to concentrate on the topic more than he would normally want.

“It’s fine, don’t worry.”

They fall into the usual silence while Mark is trying to make breakfast and Jinyoung thinks that he’s getting accustomed to it too much. At first, silence was irritating and he thought that the only acceptable thing to do is to start a random conversation on his own. Later it became bearable and sometimes even comfortable, as Mark never asked unnecessary questions Jinyoung was tired of answering. _What’s wrong, how can I help you. When it will pass, when will you smile again._

_He’s sick of those._

Now silence is just a thing that kind of _is_ there, but Jinyoung barely notices it. Like the noise of the TV when he’s doing homework or the rain drumming on his windowsills when he’s reading a book. Just a background noise, in this case – a background _silence_ , allowing them to have a relatively calm Saturday morning. A thing which Jinyoung hasn’t had in a while.

“Still no news?” Mark asks, putting a bowl of cereal in front of him. Jinyoung rarely eats breakfast and he actually hates cereal, but he still wordlessly takes a spoonful of it, accepting Mark’s care and hard work.

“No. Just my phone blowing up with messages from random people, asking if I know something about the whole situation, and I, unfortunately, don’t.”

“People must think that you’re close,” Mark takes a sip of his coffee.

He doesn’t eat anything and somewhere deep inside Jinyoung feels a rising concern that the last time he saw Mark actually eating was the day they met for the first time.

“But the truth is that we’re not, so why does it even matter now?” Jinyoung is a bit taken aback by something that sounds like bitterness in Mark’s words. But after a few moments, when the latter lifts his soft gaze at him, Jinyoung thinks that he should stop searching for hidden meanings.

_Mark is simple. He doesn’t hide behind his words, unlike Jinyoung._

“It doesn’t,” Mark replies. “What other people think, I mean. But it’s pretty clear that this whole relationship matters to _you_.”

There’s not a hint of jealousy in his voice and only then Jinyoung remembers their _deal_ for the first time that day. It didn’t strike him up until now that this is it, Mark is his _boyfriend_ for the upcoming few months.

Only when Mark speaks like there’s something left from Jinyoung and Jaebum’s relationship, Jinyoung realizes how temporary this is.

_Two more months and there won’t be any cereal and Saturday mornings._

“Why is it important what matters to me?” he mumbles, but his thoughts are far away.

“What can be more important than your own feelings?”

“I don’t know,” Jinyoung stands up, taking his half-eaten breakfast to the sink. “A lot of things.”

_Everything is more important than him, actually._

On his way back their eyes meet and for a while they keep it like that, just staring at each other. Mark sees sad shadows in Jinyoung’s eyes. Today they aren't as close to the surface as they usually are, rather hidden somewhere deep in Jinyoung's mind. The mind Mark wishes to be able to read.

Jinyoung sees things he’s afraid of the most. Concern and budding attachment vivid in Mark’s dark eyes. An attempt to understand and be patient. _A weird empathy_.

“So should I call Youngjae?” he asks in the most normal voice he manages to make, finally breaking the eye contact. _Time to start fulfilling his duties as a boyfriend, if he decided to pretend._

“What for?” Mark blinks a few times, being surprised by the sudden change in topic, and Jinyoung lets out a slight smile.

_It takes only minimal efforts to force this one, and that’s always a good thing._

“You wanted to meet my friends, _darling_ , remember?” Jinyoung answers a bit mockingly, but Mark’s tired face lightens up nevertheless. “And so far Youngjae is the only one of mine.”

Mark shrugs saying that Jinyoung doesn’t have tell Youngjae anything if he doesn’t want, but Jinyoung decides that it’s all for the best. His best friend will be less worried about Jinyoung’s loneliness and Mark will get an illusion that the deal is working like it’s supposed to. It’s a win for both of the guys.

_There’s never a win for Jinyoung, but he’s used to it._

Youngjae agrees to grab some coffee together, but his voice sounds suspicious when his friend says that he has some news. He tries all the ways possible to make Jinyoung spill the truth over the phone – he even threatens to publish the recording of a wasted eighteen year old Jinyoung confessing love to a pine tree in some park (Mark, who’s listening to the entire conversation, just raises his eyebrows at this, but doesn’t say a word, probably because his boyfriend’s stare says that he’s going to get strangled if he does), but Jinyoung strictly refuses.

The argument ends with Youngjae telling him to move his secretive ass to one of the cafés in downtown in a half an hour and dropping the call.

“Impatient, isn’t he?” Mark laughs.

“You have no idea,” Jinyoung replies, putting on his shoes. “But he wants only the best for me, so watch out.”

“You’re warning me again?”

Jinyoung doesn’t reply and Mark finally notices that he is still wearing Mark’s sweater he borrowed yesterday, even though his own, completely dry, is waiting for him in the bathroom.

Mark doesn’t say anything. In the end, it suits Jinyoung quite well.

They reach the said café in barely fifteen minutes as there’s no traffic, but Youngjae is already there, impatiently tapping his fingers on the table. He widely smiles after seeing Jinyoung and opens his mouth to greet him, but soon after he sees Mark, Youngjae’s eyebrows furrow in confusion.

Only when the waiter finally takes the order of latte for Jinyoung, nothing for Mark and an iced Americano for Youngjae, the latter finally opens his mouth to release the waterfall of questions that are bothering him.

“What’s going on? Why did you want me to meet this guy? Is he the guy you were—“

“Slow down,” Jinyoung laughs, interrupting him. Mark looks slightly terrified and he feels his palms sweating as if he would be meeting Jinyoung’s parents, not his best friend. “One question at a time, unless you want to appear as an unmannered dweeb.”

Youngjae makes a face, clearly indicating that he’s not _that_ , and says, “You’re the guy I saw staring at us, when we were having a talk next to the social sciences faculty, right?”

“I don’t remember whether it was you, but probably, yeah,” Mark’s throat suddenly feels a bit dry and the feeling of uncertainness about how much Jinyoung wants to share about this whole deal is starting to slowly kill him.

“Thought so,” Youngjae seems satisfied and Mark breathes out a bit easier, as his voice sounds warm and cheerful. “So, what’s it all about? You’re doing a project together and for god knows what reason Jinyoung wants me to meet each of his study buddies?”

“There’s… a bit more to this.”

Youngjae raises his eyebrow, a realization dawning on his face. _Can it be?.._

“You found a roommate!” he exclaims excitedly. “I always told it’s better for you not to live alone!”

Jinyoung has to bite his lip in order not to start laughing. Youngjae, despite being nineteen already, is still his innocent and a bit confused sunshine. _At least one thing never changes._

He feels his heart beating faster in an unfamiliar way, when he finally breathes out saying, “Mark is… my… _boyfriend_.”

The last word, publicly framing Jinyoung and Mark’s relationship, comes out after a long pause and gets followed by even longer one. Youngjae stares at them, eyes running from Jinyoung to Mark, from Mark to Jinyoung and all the way back again, expecting for one of them to say it’s a joke.

“Boyfriend,” he repeats slowly, as if the word is unknown to him. “You have a _boyfriend_?”

Jinyoung nods and decides to finally convince him by grabbing Mark’s hand and intertwining their fingers together. Mark gets startled by the sudden touch. Jinyoung’s fingers are cold and Mark knows that, unfortunately, he doesn’t mean it. _Not yet._

“Yeah, we’re a couple,” he adds awkwardly, feeling Jinyoung’s elbow poking his ribs.

Youngjae sits silent for a while, trying to process the new information and Jinyoung suddenly feels afraid that he’s going to call them liars, even though it’s not exactly a _lie_ , but Youngjae just exhales and almost screeches, “Oh my god, finally! Congrats!”

“Finally what?” Jinyoung asks, amused by his friend’s excitement, even though his chest gets even heavier.

_He can already imagine how sad Youngjae will be, when they break up._

“You finally got over your stupid stuff that you can’t—“ Youngjae blurts out blinded by the happiness he feels for his friend, but is quickly silenced by Jinyoung’s foot drilling a hole in his leg. “I mean… That you finally found the right person for yourself.”

_The right person. There’s no such thing as a right person for him._

“I guess that’s a compliment for me,” Mark lightly smiles, pretending to be oblivious to the fact that the younger just winced from an unknown pain.

“Don’t feel so safe. I will still make you go through hell to check if you’re good enough for Jinyoung,” Youngjae threatens, but it just makes all of them burst in laughter.

He gets indulged into a conversation with Mark about some football match Jinyoung has no interest in, so the latter takes out his phone – a habit, when he doesn’t have anything to add to the conversation. He sees a few new messages, few of them are from Jackson. None from Jaebum.

He puts the phone down when Mark says he’s going to the bathroom and Jinyoung feels Youngjae’s stare. _It doesn’t mean anything good._

“Where’s the catch?”

“What do you mean?” Jinyoung pretends that he doesn’t understand, but he thinks he should’ve known that Youngjae, like Mark, also sees through most of his shit.

“You spent six damn years telling me how you’re going to die all alone,” Youngjae calmly starts, but his voice seems shaky, as he still feels a bit hurt over the countless arguments about it and all the rough words they both never really meant. “Yet suddenly, Mark just appears out of nowhere?”

“It just happened,” Jinyoung lies swiftly. Or so does he think. “Love from the first sight, soulmates and all that good stuff, you name it.”

Youngjae sighs, shaking his head, “Listen, Jinyoung. Mark doesn’t seem like a bad guy and I will be extremely happy if what you say turns out to be true, but… If you don’t feel anything to him, say it. It will just tear you apart, and you’re not in your best state right now already. You don’t have to pretend to be in a relationship just to make us less worried.”

 _This_ is _the main goal, Youngjae. To make everyone less worried, at least for now. Jinyoung knows that in the end he’s only going to hurt both his best friend and Mark, yet he’s selfish enough to proceed with it. Maybe, if Jinyoung’s_ lucky _, they all will leave him faster that way. For their own well-being._

_Shit, it’s getting back._

Jinyoung doesn’t respond, so Youngjae looks around to see if Mark isn’t coming back yet and asks, “Did you hear about Jaebum?”

“Yeah.”

“What are you going to do about it?”

Jinyoung shrugs, trying to keep his face straight, “I tried calling him, but he doesn’t answer, so I can’t do anything until Monday.”

“You’re still willing to help him? After all that happened?” there’s a clear disgust in Youngjae’s voice, so unfitting for his bright personality, yet so familiar whenever they talk about Jaebum.

Jinyoung wishes that he wasn’t such a liar.

Even after two fucking years of his unwillingly told stories, all contradicting each other, Youngjae still thinks that it’s Jaebum who’s at fault. And sometimes Jinyoung wants to tell him, to see the disgust in Youngjae’s eyes, but this time directed at him, not Jaebum. To hear Youngjae’s voice yelling insults at him for not telling the truth. For being such a fucked up mess.

_But Jinyoung is a coward and that’s a well-known fact._

“He doesn’t deserve any of your help,” Youngjae’s voice remains cold even when they see Mark coming back to the table.

They keep up the chitchat, but the atmosphere is visible colder and Youngjae says that he actually has an essay to write, so he will be leaving first. It takes only a few seconds for him to take his backpack and he’s gone, leaving Mark and Jinyoung alone.

“Did he believe any of it?” Mark asks after a few seconds, as if he overheard the conversation.

“There’s nothing to _believe_ ,” Jinyoung sighs, stare locked at the table. “This relationship is real, it just has an… _expiration date_.”

“It doesn’t have to have one,” Mark slowly responds. He still feels Jinyoung’s touch on his hand and the fakeness of it somehow burns.

Jinyoung’s lips twist into some kind of parody of a smile, “We made a deal, Mark. With a clear deadline. And we won’t even reach it, because you’ll leave sooner.”

Mark doesn’t want to argue, because both of them are severely sleep deprived and he knows how arguments go in a state like this, so he just says, “We agreed on you considering things on December 18th and we will wait for that day to come. I will drive you back home, we both need some sleep.”

Jinyoung feels thankful that Mark doesn’t try to convince him with things that won’t happen as he’s basically dozing off in the car. Mark lightly shakes his shoulder when he parks the car next to Jinyoung’s house.

“What are you doing?” the latter sleepily asks, when he sees Mark also getting off the car.

“Walking you home, _darling_ ,” Mark playfully scoffs at the word said this morning and Jinyoung sighs, but doesn’t mind.

They walk side by side in silence until they reach Jinyoung’s door. The latter feels his phone vibrating because he’s finally close enough to a Wi-Fi source and it feels a little bit awkward for some reason.

“I should go now,” Mark says, when Jinyoung finally finds his keys. “Sleep well, even though it’s almost midday.”

“Don’t want to come in?” even though he would like to use some alone time, Jinyoung’s manners speak before he can actually think.

Mark slightly shakes his head, “There will be plenty of time to do that later, you’re tired. And we still have a long way to go.”

Jinyoung doesn’t know whether he means their relationship or the shit in his mind, but when Mark turns to go, he suddenly stops him.

_Time to do the boyfriend duties again, Jinyoung._

He mentally sighs before hugging Mark, knowing oh so well that the latter is probably aware of Jinyoung faking it, but he does it anyway. Mark seems to be grateful for this closeness even if it’s not sincere, as his breath tickles Jinyoung’s neck.

“Don’t do that again,” Mark finally says softly, breaking the hug. “This is not some sort of a mandatory thing, hugs and stuff. And you should answer your phone, it’s going insane.”

Jinyoung just nods. No one is calling him, apparently, it’s just a bunch of letters coming to his email, but a particular one catches his eyes. It’s from the company where he re-applied for the internship.

At first, Jinyoung decides to only turn off the notification and read it at home, but he accidentally presses “ _Read_ ” and mentally curses knowing that his brain will demand to read it right here, right now.

 

_Dear Park Jinyoung,_

_First of all, we greatly appreciate your interest in working with us. Your application and extracurricular activities are amazing for a young man your age, however, we are afraid that our station is not able to offer you an internship. You are still lacking experience in live broadcasting and considering our current situation we cannot afford to hire a student and train him._

_We are truly sorry and wish you all the best with your studies._

 

Something inside Jinyoung explodes. Not in a way he would start screaming from anger, kick something or make a scene. It explodes in such a way that he just feels something similar to a bunch of glass shards sticking into his body and all that’s left inside him is a bleeding wreckage.

_He is a wreck, untalented pitiful loser._

“What happened?” Mark’s voice sounds like he’s far far away. “Jinyoung, what’s wrong?”

“It’s just I’m a fucking trash, Mark. It’s just fucking simple as that,” Jinyoung spits out. He bites his tongue so he wouldn’t start crying, but does it a little bit too hard and that weird metallic taste of blood is spreading in his mouth, but Jinyoung doesn’t care. _All he wants to do right now is to cause himself pain._ “Leave me alone.”

“I’m not lea—“

“Fuck off with your bullshit, Mark Tuan. Just leave me to die, it’s not that hard to do. _Please_.”

Mark sees the light leaving Jinyoung’s eyes, after a few seconds there are only dark shadows floating in his sight, the shadows Mark knows so well. _Despair, losing hope, being tired of everything. Wishing to disappear.  
_

 

 


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning: suicidal thoughts. please be careful!

Yugyeom isn’t surprised when Mark visits, he does that quite often anyway. He gets surprised by Mark’s empty stare, though, he hasn’t seen it in months. The latter doesn’t even say hello or any other kind of greeting, just goes straight to the living room and Yugyeom just wordlessly watches Mark curling up on the sofa, hiding his face from everyone. A weird habit that is – even when the times are bad, Mark never tells people to leave him alone.

_Maybe that’s the main difference between him and Jinyoung._

Bambam’s smile slowly fades, because even though he’s happy to see his friend, they all know what it actually means when Mark visits without letting them know beforehand. _Something is wrong and they both hope that it’s not_ that _._

“Mark?” he carefully asks, searching for any signs of trouble. Trembling shoulders, silent sobbing, bruises, _anything_. During all these years both he and Yugyeom have become professionals in this, much like Mark is a pro in reading Jinyoung as if he was an open book. “Mark, what’s wrong?”

“I just don’t want to be alone, that’s it.”

When Jinyoung slammed his doors shut in front of him, Mark almost crushed the doorbell with his hand, later he resorted to blasting Jinyoung’s phone with calls, but all those efforts went to waste as the latter simply turned off his phone and his neighbors started to question is everything okay.

Mark felt anxious, extremely anxious – one of the side effects Jinyoung had on him. Seeing people suffering was always a challenge for him and this time it felt like he’s losing control over everything. Especially now, when Mark doesn’t know what’s going on.

“Is it because of _him_?” Yugyeom asks, his voice sounds strict. It seems like he never really forgave Jinyoung for making them lose that infamous race, even though Mark said it’s not Jinyoung’s fault that they didn’t know the road and even Bambam sided with him.

“ _He_ has a name, you know,” Mark mumbles without turning to him. In fact, it’s the only name that keeps echoing in his head – _Jinyoung. Jinyoung. Jinyoung._

Yugyeom frowns, “So it _is_ because of him.”

“That’s none of our business, Yugyeom,” Bambam says, sighing. He understands where his friend is coming from with his childish anger about the lost race and not so childish fear that whatever happened with Jinyoung will put Mark into a bad place again, but they can’t do anything about it.

Mark’s voice is unfamiliarly cold and rough, as he barely allows Yugyeom to finish the sentence, “Don’t you have any homework to do? When I last faked your mom’s signature on your weekly grade sheet, your score was barely enough to keep you in school.”

 

Jinyoung feels like he’s floating when he finally forces himself under a freezing cold shower. He likes this feeling, the streaming cold water that seems like thousands of needles hitting his body, the comforting numbness that comes after a few seconds, creating the illusion that he can’t feel anything anymore. He’s shivering and it’s already hard to breathe, but he keeps standing under the water; coldness and his already blue lips seeming the only thing he deserves now.

It would be such a fucking relief, Jinyoung thinks, to freeze to death right now. To stop being such a burden for everyone, such an untalented, ugly and good for nothing mess. The station he was applying for is just a small one, they don’t have many employees and they don’t need exceptional quality or talent, just someone who would make them coffee, take care of the papers and announce news from time to time.

_And yet, Jinyoung is not good enough even for that._

He basically crawls to bed, his clothes drenched as he didn’t even bother to take them off before taking a shower, but suddenly he feels tired, so tired. He knows that it’s just his brain trying to shut him down, isolate him from the thoughts he’s about to have.

_He would rather allow his thoughts to destroy him. What’s the point of living like that, anyway._

Jinyoung is pretty sure he screams before falling asleep. A loud, long shriek of despair, quite similar to a person’s who’s trying to shout for help when he’s being attacked, even though he knows that nobody would come to save him.

_He’s just a trash, abandoned by his parents and guarded by a friend who just is too nice to tell him to fuck off. Unwanted, unneeded. Like a leech, that just sucks blood and energy from everyone._

Sleeping is not much of a help – Jinyoung sees Jaebum, Youngjae and Mark in front of him. They all look expressionless, and he tries to apologize, to say that he warned all of them, that he _tried_ to keep them away from this, but his throat refuses to make any sounds. Instead, everytime he opens his mouth, the words he wants to say become poisonous snakes that continuously bite the guys in front of him. Jinyoung screams again and again and that seems the only sound he can make and he jumps in his bed, all sweaty and hyperventilating.

He looks around to convince himself that it was just a dream, and it’s already dark outside. Jinyoung falls back on his pillows, feeling both sleepy and afraid to dream again at the same time, but he decides that his dream wasn’t exactly a nightmare.

His words _always_ hurt everyone. He doesn’t know how to make people go away, so he just tries to be an asshole for all of them, seeing how long it will take until they finally leave. Jinyoung is like a poisonous snake himself, deadly and torturous.

_It’s not a nightmare, it’s just a reality._

Jinyoung turns on his phone to see what time it is, he sees fifteen missed calls. He feels sorry that Mark had to see him like this again, but doesn’t call him back. Maybe he will get the hint faster that way.

_Mark is worth so much more than a pile of trash Jinyoung is._

He just continues to stare at the ceiling, allowing his thoughts to destroy his body, feeling the uncontrollable urge to do _something_ itching on his wrists. _Maybe pressing a razor blade against it wouldn't feel so painful_. Everything feels like a hurricane that doesn’t leave anything behind and Jinyoung doesn’t mind.

_Maybe it will finally kill him._

He doesn’t know how much time passes, when he feels the vibration of his phone. Jinyoung groans, but still takes it, hoping that it’s something that would crush him even more. Something that would finally _end_ him.

_Youngjae could say fuck you to him, Mark could dump him. Jaebum could send a simple dot and it would be enough to wrestle him into self-hatred for an upcoming month._

**[19:27] Mark:** dont answer your phone if you want,  
                       just please let me know that youre  
                       at least alive

Jinyoung’s response is a mere **√ seen 19:30** , but it seems like it’s okay for Mark.

_Why is he so fucking stubborn?_

**[19:30] Mark:** okay, lets agree on this, just keep  
                       reading those messages, so i would  
                       know that youre still there  
**[19:38] Mark:** Jinyoung?  
                          **√ seen 19:43**

They keep this madness going throughout the entire weekend and even though Jinyoung hates himself for being too weak to push Mark away or ignore him, he keeps reading the messages Mark sends. It’s not much, basically the same _“Jinyoung?”_ he already got, but if that _seen_ allows Mark sleep better, Jinyoung doesn’t mind. Reading messages while screaming and crying never was a hard task for him anyway.

On Sunday he texts Jackson asking for a favor. The guy never refused to help anyone and Jinyoung never really asked anything before, so Jackson agrees to host tomorrow’s show, the one Jinyoung is supposed to host instead of Jaebum. When Jackson asks why, he lies that he doesn’t feel well, but the truth is, he has other plans.

His plans, however, go to waste when next morning, 9 AM sharp, he is sitting in his desk waiting for a lecture to start and Jaebum’s seat next to him is as empty as Jinyoung’s soul. Jaebum didn’t show up at the 8 AM one too, and some coursemates ask where he is. Jinyoung remains quiet, offering only a deadly silence to everyone asking.

_If he knew, he would be running after Jaebum, not sitting here and pitying himself._

However, Jinyoung doesn’t need to run.

After the lecture he goes to the radio, to ask Jackson how did the show go instead of texting him, but the guy isn’t there anymore, he probably rushed to his own lectures, leaving the studio empty, only with one of Jinyoung’s pre-made playlists playing.

When he finally reaches the right floor, he flinches seeing someone laying down on the small couch they have. They never actually used it – it’s mainly for throwing their things and unnecessary radio equipment on it. The person has his arm thrown over his face hiding the eyes, but Jinyoung needs only a short glimpse to tell that it’s Jaebum and curses, thinking that he _should’ve known_.

Jinyoung gets closer and it seems like Jaebum is sleeping, so he takes a moment to observe his features. His skin is paler and he’s slightly shaking as if he has a fever. He is curled into a ball as if trying to protect himself from something, without any blanket on, and Jinyoung takes off his jacket and wants to put it on the guy, but suddenly Jaebum grabs his hand.

“Don’t,” he smells of alcohol and Jinyoung’s heart skips a beat. “I don’t need your pity.”

“I’m not—“ Jinyoung's voice comes out a bit sore from screaming and crying all weekend, cracking before even finishing the sentence.

Jaebum sits up and for a second Jinyoung gets frightened by the anger that is flaming in his eyes, even though he clearly knows that he deserves every bit of it.

“You’re not pitying me? Then what do those damn twenty nine calls over the weekend mean?” his voice gets louder and Jinyoung flinches. He always hated when Jaebum raised his voice. He never did that when he was with Jinyoung, just with others, but he was afraid of it nevertheless. “Or am I supposed to believe that you care about me now?”

_He does. He always did._

Jinyoung tries to steer away from the topic, saying, “You were drinking.”

“Yeah, well maybe I suddenly felt the desire to get so drunk I wouldn’t remember my own name.”

“I’m pretty sure you succeeded. It never was hard to get you drunk.”

Jaebum just stares at him, taken aback by this small reminder that Jinyoung still knows his habits. He bitterly smiles as he stands up from the couch, stumbling a bit, still not being completely sober, and Jinyoung automatically reaches his hand out to catch him.

“Isn’t it all you wanted anyway, Jinyoung?” Jaebum lets out another poisonous laugh, pushing his hand away. “To see me below you for some sick reason? Well there you have it, KBS will probably throw me out, my grades are fucked up to the point I will be expelled soon. You will be the _good one_. What else do you want?”

Jinyoung feels air leaving his lungs. Every word that Jaebum spits out leaves a scar in his soul and it burns, it burns so much. He never wanted to see anyone below himself, there’s no way for _anyone_ to be below him, Jinyoung has reached the rock bottom anyway. However, he doesn’t deny anything.

_If Jaebum hates him, it’s for the best._

“I just want to help,” Jinyoung desperately says. “Distancing yourself from others never helps, there are people who can help you.”

Ironically, he says the opposite of what he’s constantly thinking, but Jinyoung knows that what applies to others, doesn’t fit him. While Jaebum is talented, handsome and overall a _better person_ who can be saved from the fuckery that is happening if only he wanted to be, Jinyoung couldn’t be helped. _That’s the truth_.

“Distance? How dare you,” Jaebum’s face loses all its color as he can’t understand how Jinyoung can have the audacity to talk about this. “You know nothing about _distance_. Not unless you’ve shared a bed with someone falling out of love with you. Not unless that someone disappears from that bed leaving you dying.”

Jinyoung wants to lie to himself that these words aren’t targeted at him, that maybe Jaebum was dating someone else after they broke up. But he knows and he can’t escape the fact that _he’s_ the one Jaebum is talking about. That _he’s_ the one who broke Jaebum.

_That wasn’t love, they both know that._

“Can I interrupt?” they hear a silent low voice and Jinyoung turns to the source of it surprised.

_Right on time, Mark. Right on fucking time._

“I haven’t heard anything from you since last evening,” Mark continues, his eyes are running from Jaebum to Jinyoung and all the way back. Jaebum looks furious, he can tell. Jinyoung looks devastated.

“Did you… Oh,” Jaebum’s face changes as he realizes. “ _Oh._ Well, I was about to go anyway.”

His face gets twisted into some sort of a grimace as he’s leaving and when he does, Jinyoung’s legs can’t hold him anymore. He just slides down on the floor, resting his back against the couch, burying his face into his palms.

“What happened?” Mark rushes next to him in the speed of light, but his voice sounds gentle and armed with patience instead of jealousy.

“He just said what I already know.”

 _He just thinks of Jinyoung as a monster. And without a doubt, Jinyoung_ is _one._

Mark sighs, taking a seat next on the cold floor next to him. It feels oddly familiar already, seeing Jinyoung in a state like this, helpless, broken, seeing no way out, but it still breaks Mark’s heart everytime, knowing that Jinyoung doesn’t trust him enough to let him help.

“What happened on Saturday then?”

“Nothing, I already told you.”

_The first time they fight, Mark thinks it’s his fault._

“If we’re in a relationship, you _do_ know that honesty is kind of important, right?” Mark says, but instead of sounding calm and patient, it comes off a bit angry and mocking.

It’s just enough to make Jinyoung snap, “There’s no fucking relationship, Mark. We just made a deal. You put up with me until the finals and then I leave you. Unless, of course, you will get bored of this piece of trash and leave first.”

“You said yourself that our relationship is real,” Mark reminds, trying to soften his voice. He thinks he knows what Jinyoung is trying to achieve – to hurt him with nasty words, to make him angry and snap back, provoke Mark to dump him right now.

_Nice try, but no._

“Well I lied, it’s all I fucking do,” Jinyoung spits out. “All I do is lie – to myself, to Youngjae, to you, to fucking _everyone_.”

Mark can’t help but to feel a little hurt by all this. Sure, he knows, _he hopes, at least_ , that Jinyoung doesn’t mean it, but it’s still hard to swallow the bitterness down, to fight the urge to say something harsher.

“Look,” he says. “I’ve seen you in your worst—“

His attempts to calm Jinyoung down get cut off by the latter’s bitter laugh.

“What? Do you really think it’s the worst I can get? Do you really think I would _show_ you the worst? Do you even _know_ me if you think like that?”

Mark bites his lip and he doesn’t know what aches more – his lip or Jinyoung’s words. He’s trying to be patient, but in the end, he’s only a human too, who sometimes can’t help but get annoyed or angry.

“Can you be honest then, if you want me to know you?” Mark spits out, not really thinking.

“What honesty are you talking about?” Jinyoung says, feeling a little a bit of sick satisfaction for pushing Mark to his limits. “I know _nothing_ about you. All you allowed me to know is that you have a few siblings and got into a car crash and then fucking _nothing_. ‘A story for better times’, huh? Where’s your honesty when it comes to yourself?”

Mark closes his eyes. He doesn’t expect Jinyoung to attack him about his past so directly, but he has to admit, Jinyoung’s words hold some truth. He never was completely honest himself, but maybe that is what makes them this compatible.

_A couple of great liars._

“I told you I’m not ready to talk about it,” Mark says, trying to block his memories from entering his head. If it does, he will definitely get a panic attack and Mark doesn’t need one now. Not before everything is settled here. “Can’t you wait? I will tell you fucking everything, but not _now_.”

Jinyoung just laughs. A cold, fake laugh that cuts deep into Mark’s bones. _What a great defense._

Mark sees the mockery in Jinyoung’s eyes, so he decides, “Okay, fine. If you don’t trust me… If you’re so dying to know, check the students’ records, I know that radio workers have an access to it for some reason. Go for it, check. I’m sure you will find what you’re searching for.”

“You just don’t understand, do you?” Jinyoung shakes his head. He feels Mark’s fear every time they speak about the crash and suddenly he feels guilty for bringing it up. _Of course, talking shit and regretting it later is such a_ Jinyoung thing _to do._ “It’s not about whether I trust _you_ or not. I just don’t trust _anyone_ , and I’m not going to treat you like an exception. Yes, I’m thankful that you think I’m worthy to be saved, but I’m not. You just don’t know what it feels like to see things how I do, you don’t understand those sleepless nights spent screaming and crying, you—“

“Oh really,” it’s Mark’s turn to laugh. His eyes are unfamiliarly dark, darker than always. “Jinyoung, I have only one thing to ask. Out of all things, please, don’t act like you’re the only one who ever got hurt. Like you’re the only one suffering and thinking what would happen if you _accidentally_ swallowed too many sleeping pills.”

Jinyoung gets silent. Mark’s words get him curious to find what he’s hiding. He always assumed that Mark is a bit messed up himself, _because why else would he get involved with him_ , but he starts wondering what _really_ hides behind Mark’s calm surface, the one he cracked just a few minutes ago.

He could find out in seconds, only one call and Mark’s record would be in his hands in merely 15 minutes, but Jinyoung understands it’s not that simple anymore. Mark is smart, he just trapped Jinyoung between breaking Mark’s trust by searching those files and being actually afraid to know what is hidden there.

“I’m sorry,” he mumbles. “I never meant to say that you didn’t suffer in your life. It’s just that we’re basically strangers and yet you’re demanding me to accept your help.”

Mark sighs, initial anger and bitterness leaving his voice, “I know. I know it’s hard, but just trust me, Jinyoung. _Please_. We can make it.”

“Convince me,” Jinyoung breathes out. He doesn’t know why he says that or what he expects Mark to do, but he definitely knows that what he expects isn’t what Mark does.

_Mark leans closer and kisses him._

At first Jinyoung can’t help but think that _yeah, here goes that let’s not rush bullshit, he knew it_. But there’s something, the bitter taste of coffee on Mark’s lips or the despair he feels in that kiss, or maybe Jinyoung’s actual wish _to be saved_ that doesn’t allow him to move away.

_Maybe, he’s right. Nobody wants to die alone. Well, Jinyoung certainly will, but it’s okay to try, right?_

_Don’t make it worse, Jinyoung. Don’t tie Mark to yourself, it won’t end well._

_Or maybe, Jinyoung is selfish._

Jinyoung feels his body betraying him, as his hands are wrapping around Mark’s neck. The latter gasps against his mouth, probably because he was quite sure that he will be pushed away. But after making sure that he has full consent, Mark proceeds with the kiss, his tongue gently, but confidently making its way into Jinyoung’s mouth.

Jinyoung hates himself even more at the moment, because suddenly Jaebum crosses his mind.

_While Jaebum’s kisses always burned him like fire, Mark’s lips somehow felt like a breeze of a fresh air, giving an assurance that he knows what he’s doing._

Ironically enough, the first time they fight becomes the first time they kiss, and for a split second, before drowning himself in destructive behavior again, Jinyoung feels like Mark isn’t a _terrible_ mistake of his life.

When Jinyoung finally breaks the kiss, the radio is playing just the right song.

 _ **I’m sick and tired of being afraid**_  
_**If I cry more, then my tears will wash me away**_  
_**But when I hear you call my name**_  
_**I whisper the word I never thought I’d say**_

_Help me._

_Help me, Mark._


	11. Chapter 11

_The second time they fight, Mark cries._

But his tears don’t feel like coming from anger or sorrow – more like fear. Fear that he’s doing everything wrong; fear that he’s slowly losing Jinyoung in a way Yugyeom and Bambam almost lost him.

There are good days. Good days mean that Jinyoung has enough strength to wake up in the morning; long talks about future, about _them_ in the future; it means slow dancing to an inaudible music without him shivering from Mark’s touches; it means that he responds to kisses. Good days mean that Jinyoung wants to live.

_“If you could choose,” he asks once, when they cuddle up on the couch, watching an old Korean movie. Mark thinks it’s boring, but it’s Jinyoung’s favorite, so he doesn’t really mind. “What color would you be?”_

_“I don’t know,” Mark says after a second of thought. “Probably blue.”_

_“Why?”_

_Mark shrugs, running his fingers through Jinyoung’s hair, “It’s calming. Sky blue, for example. Everyone feels relaxed when they look up at the sky. What about you?”_

_“Jet black. Like chaos.”_

_Mark doesn’t know what to say, so for a while they keep silent, concentrating on the movie, but soon after Jinyoung mumbles, “What does one get after mixing blue and black together?”_

_“Dark blue, I assume?” Mark guesses, but Jinyoung shakes his head._

_“Black, you get black. Chaos overpowers everything.”_

_“No, silly. Even though it looks black, there’s still some blue in it. Even if you can’t see it at the first glimpse, there’s still calmness in the chaos.”_

_“Maybe you’re right,” Jinyoung smiles a bit, and Mark places a light kiss on his temple._

_He loves Jinyoung on good days and even though the latter doesn’t say this, sometimes he likes Mark a bit, too._

There are also bad days and unfortunately they are a lot more often. Bad days mean Mark moving in with Jinyoung for a while; long streaks of sleepless nights, being afraid that Jinyoung will try to run away; it means addressing Mark only by a scoffing, bitter _Tuan_ ; hiding all the sharp objects from Jinyoung’s reach. Bad days mean Jinyoung screaming every time someone gets closer.

 

_“Mark?” Jinyoung starts shaking Mark’s shoulder in the middle of the night, his voice trembling as if he just woke up from a nightmare._

_“What’s wrong?” Mark sits up in his bed in a blink of the eye and his heart starts beating faster as he tries to shoo the sleepiness away. They spent the entire evening arguing and it took hours to make Jinyoung finally fall asleep._

_“What are you afraid of the most?”_

_Mark thinks for a while, trying to decipher what is hiding behind this question. Jinyoung is like that, even though weird, his questions always have this particular hidden meaning._

_“Spiders. I hate spiders,” Mark says, hoping that it will be enough. One can never go wrong with spiders, however, Jinyoung just silently sighs as if Mark’s answer disappoints him. “What about you?”_

_“Myself,” he whispers almost inaudibly. “I’m afraid of myself, but I guess you wouldn’t understand it, Tuan.”_

_Jinyoung hates Mark on bad days, but Mark still loves him nevertheless._

 

There are no _just days_ anymore, those when Jinyoung would ask Mark if it’s hard to love a mess like him and would sadly smile at the answer. Now everything is either white or black. Either bearable or a living hell. Either smiles or shrieks of despair. Either attachment or terrible, _terrible_ words.

_There’s no between anymore._

Jinyoung finds himself tangled in Mark’s bedsheets for the fifth time this week. He heads to the bathroom to prepare for another one fucked up day of his life and to his amusement, he sees that Mark got rid of the door lock in the bathroom as if Jinyoung is some crazy suicidal creep.

 _He doesn’t understand, Jinyoung doesn’t want to_ die _. It would be too easy and relieving to do, and he wants quite the opposite._

_Pain and torture for himself._

He gets rejected from three more broadcasting stations, all quoting his lack of experience. Jaebum starts taking online courses instead of going to the lectures and soon the whole bullying thing dies down, but he never comes back.  Jaebum’s empty seat in the classroom feels suffocating, but those slight nods they exchange when they meet in the studio kill Jinyoung even more.

_If he wasn’t such a monster, such a toxic person, maybe Jaebum would accept his help?_

When Mark’s alarm clock finally wakes him up, his heart skips a beat not feeling Jinyoung’s breathing, but soon he hears the water running in the shower and calms down.

It’s a fifth almost sleepless night after Jinyoung learned that Jaebum will probably never come back to the classroom. Jinyoung just kept jumping from bed all night, searching for his clothes, ready to run god knows where and everytime Mark has less and less strength to convince him that running away won’t help.

Mark himself doesn’t understand why he doesn’t feel jealous. Maybe because it slowly starts to hit him that his boyfriend’s sickness might be more severe than he initially thought. Maybe it’s because he knows that this isn’t a question of _love_. Jinyoung just tries to pay off his debt to Jaebum, even though Mark has no idea what debt is that. They never talked about the argument that happened in the radio.

****

_**I’ve got nothing left to live for**_  
_**Got no reason yet to die**_

 

When Mark enters the kitchen after a quick shower, Jinyoung is humming to a song on the radio while chopping some vegetables. He rarely sings and _never_ makes food, so Mark would assume that this is a good day, but after taking a better listen to what Jinyoung is singing, he just changes the radio station.

“I was having a good time here, you know,” Jinyoung says, without lifting his eyes from the chopping board. His voice sounds distant and Mark sighs. _Sixth day in a row_.

“That song doesn’t really suit a good morning,” Mark responds, observing Jinyoung.

The latter has lost even more weight, his jeans, usually quite tight, are now just hanging on his waist and his shirt looks like it’s a few sizes too big, even though it was okay few weeks ago. Jinyoung’s skin is pale due to sleepless nights and exhaustion. His stare is empty and Mark sometimes gets afraid that he’s looking only at the shell of what once was Park Jinyoung.

“I’m making soup,” Jinyoung suddenly announces, changing the topic. _He wants to keep up the play until Mark gets out._ “You’re a walking skeleton, when was the last time you ate something?

Mark doesn’t know. Maybe yesterday, that small bite of hamburger Bambam bought him before going to racetracks. _Wait, he didn’t eat that one, so maybe… two days ago? Does coffee count as food?_

However, Mark doesn’t say that out loud, avoiding eye contact.

They start their morning in the usual silence, the sound of the knife hitting the surface of the chopping board echoing in Mark’s ears as he’s trying to skim through the notes for his last midterm this semester. Jinyoung is already done with all of his, but he’s not satisfied with any of them.

“Mark?” he asks, still concentrating on chopping the carrot in perfect little squares.

“Hm?”

Jinyoung makes a pause and asks, “What did you want to become when you were a child?”

Mark hates it with his guts when Jinyoung starts to ask these kind of questions, because he knows it’s a _trick_. Starting innocently out of nowhere, ending in them fighting and Jinyoung having a breakdown.

“I don’t know,” he cautiously answers, flipping a page of his notes. He’s going to fail this one, he knows. Both the midterm and the question. _Mark can never win against him._ “Like most of the kids, I guess. A doctor, a firefighter, something along those lines.”

Jinyoung just nods and mumbles, “I see.”

It feels like the answer disappointed him again and Mark hates himself for playing along to this sick game.

“What about you?” he takes a deep breath, knowing that he _has_ to ask this. If he doesn’t, it will be hundreds of times worse.

“A prostitute,” an unnaturally calm and collected answer makes Mark drop his notes and Jinyoung smirks, enjoying the effect he just caused.

Mark feels a familiar knot tying in his mouth, but he silently coughs it off before saying, “You can’t really mean it. _It’s not a joke, Jinyoung_ , for fuck's sake.”

“It’s not a joke,” the latter confirms laughing, but his laugh is emotionless and his eyes never smile. “I just always wondered how it feels like, people paying to destroy you in the worst ways possible. I never really wanted to _die_ , Tuan, really, you can get your door lock back to the bathroom. I just want to feel as much disgust of myself as possible before disappearing.”

Mark can’t take it anymore. He feels tears rolling down his cheeks and he’s terribly, extremely afraid. He’s afraid that it’s too late to help Jinyoung. That’s everything is way deeper than Mark thought, that his soul is a lot darker and a lot more cracked than it seemed at first. Mark is afraid that he won’t be able to finish the puzzle Jinyoung is on time.

_And they’re severely short on time. It’s the end of October and Mark has no hope of Jinyoung keeping him after the finals._

“Have you… Have you ever thought about seeing a therapist?” Mark says silently, head lowered as if he would be saying something unforgivable. Jinyoung’s knife chops the carrot into exactly two pieces with such a force, Mark unconsciously jumps, taking the knife away and throwing it in a sink.

“I’m not insane,” Jinyoung hisses, leaning against the kitchen counter. His eyes are burning with a familiar anger and hate. “Or do you think I _am_ , Tuan? Like everybody else does? Like Youngjae does, too?”

Mark says, “Nobody thinks you’re insane, especially not Youngjae and me. But this is not healthy anymore.”

_Maybe he’s sick, indeed. Infected with poison that unfortunately kills other people instead of Jinyoung himself._

“Seeking for help means that I’m sick,” he grits his teeth. “And I’m not.”

“It’s just a fucked up superstition,” Mark shakes his head. He always hated this mentality of people. “If you’re seeking for help, it means that you’re trying to get better.”

_What a bunch of bullshit, Tuan, is there even a difference between those two things. There’s no way for him to get better. A trash doesn’t suddenly become a piece of gold._

“Now now,” Jinyoung taps his shoulder almost mockingly, but it doesn’t seem like he _sees_ Mark or his tears that are still slowly rolling down his cheeks. “That feeling you’re feeling right now, do you know what it is?”

Mark lifts his teary eyes preparing himself to hear a new Korean word or idiom he has never heard before – Jinyoung does that a lot when days are brighter, but this time it’s not that.

“You want to save yourself,” Jinyoung says and even though Mark shakes his head, he continues. “It’s how our relationship will go from now own. You will cry and ask me to stop, but I won’t. You will try to help me and I will reject you in the worst ways possible. It’s the breaking point where it all starts to go downhill, Mark.”

 _He has been repeating that for_ days _already, but Tuan just wouldn’t believe him, how silly of him._

“You should go, you’ll be late,” he says after a few seconds and Mark can’t believe that his voice can change from cruel and cold to completely emotionless in just a few moments. _As if nothing would be fucking wrong._ “Sorry about that food I promised, I will make something for lunch instead.”

 _Lunch._ Lunch means that Jinyoung is staying here for at least another five hours until Mark is back from his lectures, but suddenly Mark doesn’t know anymore what _here_ means. Will Jinyoung stay here, in Mark’s flat? In Mark’s life? In his own life? _Where?_

“I’m not going to harm myself, don’t worry,” Jinyoung’s tired voice rings somewhere next to Mark’s ear and the latter feels his fingers, gently wiping Mark’s tears away. “I still have some things I need to do here.”

“Things?”

Jinyoung’s lips form a light smile, “ _You’re_ still a mystery to me, Tuan. Your story is what I’m after.”

It hurts. It plainly _burns_ somewhere in Mark’s heart to hear that Jinyoung is here only because of the curiosity about what shit went down in Mark’s life, not because he feels something to him. And yet, Mark can’t bring himself to hate Jinyoung for that.

He just feels helpless and lost. Mark is tired of pretending that _he’s_ okay, and he can’t constantly fight for two people, he’s running out of strength, too.

“Fine,” Mark says, but his voice gives him away in seconds. There’s nothing _fine_ about it. “When I get back from university, you can have it. All the fucking story with all the details you want. Everything you’re _going after_.”

“You’re mad now.”

It’s not a guess coming from Jinyoung, he just states a plain fact. Everything he does makes people angry. _No matter how much he tries to dance around things, in the end, everything he does just disappoints people. But then again, he's Park Jinyoung. Disappointing people is his fucking specialty._

“I’m not,” Mark lies, taking his notes and searching for car keys. He sounds indifferent now. “If you want a story, you will have it.”

Mark thinks he has never heard Jinyoung talking like that, when the latter spits out, “ _Don’t fucking lie to me, Tuan_. If you’re mad, you can tell this, I’m not going to shatter from that. We’re a _couple_ , right?”

Mark just stares at him with a raised eyebrow, his had frozen in the air to pick the keys, “And I thought we grew out of mocking our relationship.”

“Fine, you can just keep pretending everything is okay,” Jinyoung says. “Just don’t blame me later about being insincere.”

“I fucking told you—“

“I said keep it, I don’t want to hear any stories.”

When Jinyoung flinches after Mark slams the front door so loud, he feels like snapping out of a trance. He feels guilty for lashing out at Mark, but at the same time, he just doesn’t know how to control himself.

_He feels like a leech again, just sucking blood and energy from Mark without giving anything in return._

Mark deals with his shit every day, taking Jinyoung with him everywhere to make sure he’s safe and, on top of that, he manages to play around Youngjae’s suspicions, making up stories why Jinyoung can’t answer his phone.

_He’s studying for a midterm, Mark says. Jinyoung is crying on his shoulder._

_Jinyoung is making food, Mark says. He’s trying to find out where Mark has hidden his keys, so he could run away._

And yet Jinyoung can’t help _him_.

When Mark finally closes his eyes in the night, he doesn’t see Jinyoung staring at him in the dark with eyes full of gratitude that Mark doesn’t let go. That he still cares about Jinyoung even when the latter himself doesn’t.

Mark often cries in his sleep and all Jinyoung can do is to silently wipe away his tears, trying not to wake him up. He sometimes grabs Mark’s hand, when he sees that Mark is dreaming a nightmare, but the latter doesn’t remember those touches. He just knows that there’s _someone_ that stops the dream.

_Someone that stops the car before it crashes. Someone that puts off the fire when it’s about to burn him.  
_

And Jinyoung can’t take it anymore. He can’t wait for Mark coming home several hours later anymore.

_He just wants to help, even if it makes him lose Mark’s trust by searching for that file of his._

“Hey, Sejin, it’s me, Park Jinyoung from the radio, I need a favor,” he says, as soon as his friend from the student body picks up the call.

She’s not exactly a _friend_. More like Jaebum’s one night stand during their freshmen year, when they broke up for god knows which time. He thought that it will make Jinyoung jealous.

The latter just laughed. He only enjoyed the feeling of emptiness coming after Jaebum’s words that someone whom he’s not even attracted to made him happier than Jinyoung ever will.

_He felt, he still feels, like he deserved it._

“What kind of favor would the announcer Park Jinyoung need from a simple mortal like me,” Sejin mocks him and Jinyoung tries his best to laugh at the girl’s attempt to sound somewhat flirty.

“I need to get a file of one student, radio workers can do that, right?”

“Abusing your power, huh,” the girl’s laugh rings in the phone and Jinyoung thinks that he can see what Jaebum saw in her back then. “Yeah, sure you can. What juicy details are we searching for?”

What he says isn’t exactly a lie, “Nothing in particular. Just got curious about one of the guests that were on my show.”

“Trying to fetch their number?” Sejin laughs again and he gets annoyed, but soon the girl says, “Okay okay, just tell me the name and I will scan it and send you a copy, I’m actually in the Registry room right now, and you should feel extremely lucky about that.”

“I damn am. Mark Tuan, that’s the person. Thanks, I owe you.”

However, twenty minutes pass and Sejin doesn’t send him anything. The girl calls him back after another half an hour and her voice sounds suspicious.

“Jinyoung, are you sure you said me a correct name?”

“I am,” Jinyoung frowns. He hasn’t ever heard of a simpler name than Mark Tuan. How one would even make a mistake in it?

_Or maybe he just grew too familiar to it._

Sejin says, “I was searching for the file for almost an hour and found a few Tuans here, but none of them are named Mark.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean that we don’t have a student named Mark Tuan, I checked everywhere. Jinyoung, what’s going on?”

_Jinyoung would like to know this himself._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! As always, just a quick message, I just wanted to thank all of you for this huge support that you're showing to this story, you're all truly the best!  
> Also, I just wanted to say sorry that I sometimes leave the comments unanswered for a day or even more. It's just because after posting a chapter I don't usually log in here for a while, trying to distance myself from all this angst and stuff, I just need to get this story from my system for a while after writing. I don't even know if it makes sense to you, haha, it somehow does to me, but! I always read all of your comments when I finally have enough strength to come back, and I'm extremely grateful for you leaving them!!!
> 
> And also, you probably have already figured, next chapter will be quite Mark-centered, it's time for big reveals, haha.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warnings: death of a side character, suicidal thoughts, drugs, homophobic slurs, and probably everything bad that can happen to a person.

Mark would be lying if he said that he had never been angry at Jinyoung, that he never wanted to say _go and fuck yourself_ and leave.

He was angry countless times, it’s hard not to be, when it takes hours to convince Jinyoung that he’s not the filthiest trash in the world and then moments later Mark hears him laughing over the phone with Jackson or someone else, while Mark gets just some glares and a silent treatment. Or when Jinyoung just yells insults at him, because he thinks Mark doesn’t want to tell him the truth and then goes back to work like nothing is wrong.

Yet Mark doesn’t feel like breaking up would be a right thing to do. The first reason being him knowing that it’s just a show for other people, a mask, helping to pretend that everything is fine. Second, it’s not like he can break up with Jinyoung anyway - whenever he promises himself that it’s the last time he allows Jinyoung to yell at him, or that it’s the last time he falls into the trap of tricky questions, Mark just keeps coming back.

_Because even if all of him dies, he needs Jinyoung to breathe._

Mark thinks that he finally understands what Jinyoung meant when he said he sometimes feels like being trapped in a translucent bubble – now everything seems unclear as if shown through a broken TV and outer world’s noises reach him only when a car beeps behind him, indicating that the green light is on for a while.

 _Jinyoung can’t see the things other people see in him or sees them completely distorted_ , Mark thinks, taking a turn to university’s parking lot. If someone tells Jinyoung that he’s talented, it’s only out of pity. If he passes an exam, it’s only because it was too easy and everyone passed it.

But if he stutters announcing news about something Mark can barely _pronounce_ after five years of learning Korean, let alone understand what it’s all about – it’s just because Jinyoung is a piece of trash that doesn’t even know how to speak. If he gets less than a perfect score, it’s because of him being a complete idiot unable to memorize some names, even though the rest of the class failed the test completely.

_If there’s one thing Mark wishes the most, it’s that Jinyoung would be able to look at himself from another perspective; to see himself in the light Mark, Youngjae and all the others see him in._

“Hey, are you in a rush?” Mark feels someone lightly tapping his shoulder, when he’s about to enter the faculty.

At first he fails to react, because his mind is occupied with all the horrible things Jinyoung told him this morning, but he finally turns around to see Jaebum.

He looks terrible and maybe that’s the only reason Mark doesn’t go away without responding. A boyfriend’s ex is never a person one would like to talk to, but Jaebum looks like one gust of wind would blow him away and his black hair make a stark contrast with his unhealthily pale skin, so Mark stays.

_They all are hostages of a lot of unfortunate circumstances and unhealthy relationships._

Jaebum takes an advantage of the fact that Mark doesn’t say anything, “I was just wondering… How is Jinyoung doing?”

For a second Mark thinks about the answer, deciding whether he should coddle Jaebum in a sweetened version of reality, just like he does whenever Youngjae calls, but settles for, “Like always.”

Even though the answer is pretty vague, from the way Jaebum nods Mark can see a mutual understanding, that weird feeling of him actually _knowing_ what it’s like to be in a relationship with Jinyoung.

“Take care of him, okay?” Jaebum asks softly and there’s no awkwardness behind those words. Just a simple, genuine concern that he doesn’t allow Jinyoung to see, because he’s afraid it will make things worse.

Mark sighs, “I’m trying.”

“I tried once, too.”

There’s some bitterness to his words and suddenly Mark feels an urge to pat his back, to let Jaebum talk it all out, to hear _his_ side of story, but he knows he has no right. Not until Jinyoung talks about it first.

“It’s time to take care of yourself now,” he murmurs, turning to go and Jaebum forces out a tired smile.

In the classroom Mark just looks at the questions, silently mouthing words as if he would be seeing them for the first time and almost laughs.

_If you don’t know the answer, pick C._

Mark doesn’t remember when Jinyoung told him this; maybe when they took all their books to the central park to study instead of suffocating at home. Or maybe that time when Jinyoung got fed up with theories and tore apart his notes, making airplanes out of the loose pages and throwing them at Mark who was laughing at the sparkles in his eyes.

_They had to unfold the planes later, because Jinyoung actually needed those notes. But those were still the good days, the days when Jinyoung laughed genuinely and Mark misses it._

He hands his midterm in after barely ten minutes, earning a pitying stare from the professor, because they both know Mark failed the class already, but he doesn’t really care. He spends a few hours just driving around, wasting fuel and avoiding going home.

He needs some time to think about everything, about Jinyoung, about himself, about everything that has happened in his life, knowing very well that one day he will need to speak about it.

One day it will just slip out – Mark will have a panic attack in front of Jinyoung while passing by a particular neighborhood or seeing a familiar name in the news somewhere; he will blurt something out while sleep talking.

 _And then_ Jinyoung _will be the one to run away._

Mark finally gets back home around noon, pretty close to the usual time he’s back from the lectures, and Jinyoung is still in the kitchen. He seems like he hasn’t moved ever since Mark stormed out of the flat, but the latter doesn’t say a word. Not because he’s mad or anything, he can’t be angry at Jinyoung for a long time, but because he’s exhausted and unable to keep his usual guard up.

Jinyoung just keeps following Mark with his eyes as the latter is downing a cup of water and there’s this unfamiliar tension that can be felt in the air. Not the usual uneasiness after an argument that they unfortunately are already used to, but something that neither of them can actually explain.

“Mark?” Jinyoung doesn’t need to finish the sentence for Mark to realize.

_He knows. Everything in his appearance just about screams about it._

It takes a moment for Jinyoung to breathe out and say, “Show me your passport, please.”

_“Oh.”_

Something inside Jinyoung breaks when Mark doesn’t ask what it’s all about. There’s only a slight hint of disappointment, mixed with a dash of hurt, almost as if he has been expecting that Jinyoung won’t have enough patience to wait for Mark to be ready to tell his story.

_And Jinyoung, once again, hates himself for that._

Mark stands up and disappears in his room for a while. Jinyoung hears drawers opening and closing and with every Mark’s step he feels more and more afraid of what he’s going to find out. His guts are screaming that it’s nothing good.

_One does not live under a fake name just for fun._

One swift movement and Jinyoung catches Mark’s passport being pushed to him. A simple American passport, nothing unusual about it. A sticker sort of thing, indicating about Mark’s permission to live in South Korea and nothing more in it, but Jinyoung’s hands shake a bit before opening the needed page. Mark, sitting in front of him, doesn’t even blink.

_Surname: Tuan  
Given Names: Yien_

It feels weird on his lips when Jinyoung mouths the syllables. _Yien Tuan_. So unfamiliar, yet explains so much. Sejin never found any files of Mark Tuan simply because that person doesn’t exist, at least not in a form of 22 year old human resources major. _Not in a form of Jinyoung’s boyfriend._

“Yien Tuan?” he repeats, this time louder, putting the passport away.

“That’s my true name,” Mark confirms and Jinyoung gets scared. Mark’s lips are trembling and his hands are slightly shaking, but he still manages to keep his voice stable. _Trying to keep his disguise up for those few last seconds._ “If you want to leave now, I’m not keeping you.”

“I’m not leaving,” Jinyoung firmly says. It feels like seeing two people in front of him at the same time – Mark, who’s trying to remain calm and collected how he always is even when Jinyoung trashes everything around and _someone else_ , Yien probably, scared like a cornered animal. “Not until you explain me what’s going on.”

_He doesn’t run away in an instant. Well that’s something new._

“Up for a ride?” Mark asks slowly, voice completely clean from any emotion.

This is so unlike him – Mark, who most of the time was incredibly, ridiculously sweet, happy and optimistic, now looks broken beyond repair, facial expression worse than blank.

At first Jinyoung’s instincts tell him to refuse. Who knows, maybe the person in front of him is a psycho, or a part of witness protection program or whatever else. But then Jinyoung remembers all those days when Mark was basically babysitting him, watching that he wouldn’t slit his wrists and somewhere deep in his heart he _trusts_ Mark. Yien. Or whoever he is.

When they finally get in the car and he asks where are they going, Mark shakes his head.

“I know I have no right to ask anything, but _please_ , don’t ask any questions until we get there.”

And he accepts that. Mark silently maneuvers in the streets and he drives a bit faster than the safe speed, but Jinyoung doesn’t say a word. He thinks he knows where this way is leading and ten minutes after he knows he’s right.

_Cemetery._

Mark takes a while to force himself to move out of the car and he unconsciously grabs Jinyoung’s hand when he does, more out of fear than a real need of physical contact.

Jinyoung says it’s okay if Mark doesn’t want to do this, because his fear can be _felt_ in the air, but for Mark, the idea of Jinyoung knowing what kind of a fuck up he is suddenly seems ridiculously _freeing_.

 _No more pretending that he’s a good person, no more lies. Maybe Jinyoung will leave him here, not even_ maybe _, Mark is sure he will. And it’s not like he doesn’t deserve that._

“Who is this person?” Jinyoung silently asks, reading the name, when they stop next to one of the graves.

_Park Jaehyung 1992-2014_

 

Tears are flooding Mark’s eyes, trying to break free after being held inside all this time, his every wrongdoing trying to leave his body and his lips are trembling so much he barely can speak. Jinyoung’s grip on Mark’s palm tightens.

_If Mark Tuan can’t control himself anymore, then who in this world can?_

“You need to know the backstory before we can talk about him,” Mark says after a couple of moments, finally suppressing his tears. He sits down on the cold ground of cemetery and Jinyoung follows him without questioning.

Mark never shared any backstories about anything and Jinyoung just kept thinking about of him as someone who has no past at all, but all he says is, “I’m listening.”

“Once upon a time,” Mark tries to smile as if he’s telling a fairytale, but his smile is soon washed away by a couple of new tears, leaving watery streaks on his cheeks, “there lived a man and a woman, absolutely incompatible in all the aspects of life.”

It’s quite a usual story, actually – Mark’s parents get married anyway, they have a few kids, Mark, or Yien, being one of them, a decent house and jobs in LA, a true American dream. But their personal lives weren’t that much of a dream – never ending arguments, exhaustion from trying to make as much money as they can to support their family and on top of that, the third child, Yien, is quite a troublemaker.

“I wasn’t really gifted in any field, I could pass a class, but never got an A; I knew how to play sports, but never scored a significant goal, you know what I’m talking about - a disgrace to a family where both of the sisters were the brainy ones and the younger brother was a basketball prodigy,” Mark says. “And on top of that, I was just not _normal_.”

Mark learned about his sexual preferences when he was thirteen and everyone thought it was just a phase, until he got caught having sex with his high school senior when they were seventeen.

“Apparently, having sex in the locker room is acceptable only when you’re fucking a girl,” Mark bitterly laughs. “The guy realized what would be waiting for us, if we came out as gay. Shame and bullying that is, and that’s how I got kicked out of the school, being accused of assault. He told everyone I _forced_ him.”

Jinyoung has to take slow deep breaths to be able to listen to this. He always suspected that Mark’s early life wasn’t that fascinating, at least that was the idea he got during those rare times they talked about it, but now he feels only rage at everyone that hurt Mark in the school and especially at that lying bastard.

“Fortunately, no police got involved, because nobody wanted to deal with two faggots being afraid of coming out of the closet,” Mark continues and Jinyoung flinches at the curses flowing from his lips. “So it was only a domestic drama with my mother being more concerned about what will her friends think about her son being gay rather than how to find a new school for me and my father blaming himself for raising a monster.”

And then Mark gets fed up with his parents and their constant acting how amazing their family is, when they’re on the verge of divorce. He buys a plane ticket to _literally_ the other side of the world – South Korea, and his mother laughs and cries at the same time, because she doesn’t believe that her son can tie his own shoelaces, let alone live in a foreign country, but his father agrees with Mark, saying it’s for the best.

They shove a couple of thousands in Mark’s pockets trying to get rid of their guilty conscience and he boards on a plane flying to Seoul – having no idea what’s going to happen and knowing nothing about the language or customs.

“And that’s when Jaehyung makes an appearance.”

Jinyoung’s hands are trembling from anger at Mark’s parents, because _nobody just sends their son away into the unknown like this, it’s not fucking fair._

“A person named Park Jaehyung gets on the same plane as Yien,” Mark says, and Jinyoung can understand why he’s talking about himself in the third person _. It’s easier to pretend that it didn’t happen to you, that’s it’s only a sick story happened to someone else._ “Conveniently, they even get seated together. They start chatting, because nine hours of flight are unbearable and Yien realizes that Jaehyung is a fucking _angel_ , he really is.”

After listening to bits of his story, the guy decides that he feels sorry for Mark and offers him help. It would seem weird, a complete stranger offering help without wanting anything in return, but Jinyoung slightly smiles, knowing that Mark did the exact same for him. And it suddenly doesn’t feel weird at all anymore.

_Some people are just like that. Great, selfless people._

Eventually, Mark ends up living with Jaehyung and his family, who treat him as if he was their real son. They allow him to finish the last year of high school in Seoul at their expenses and even spend their time teaching him Korean, since, surprisingly, while Mark is a complete dumbass in everything else, he’s good at languages.

“Those family photos in your room,” Jinyoung interrupts. “I always thought…”

“No,” Mark shakes his head. “It’s Jaehyung’s parents, not mine. Even though my mom sometimes called to ask how I’m doing, they never showed much interest in me and I just… let them go, I guess.”

“When we were talking back then… You said you visit your family in States twice a year, and you seemed genuinely happy talking about them.”

Mark sighs, “Once a year, actually. And only for a few days, our relationship got better during the years, but we still can’t stand each other. It’s not really something I would tell people the first time they end up in my bed.”

Jinyoung just nods, thinking what a great liar Mark is. He never thought that things might be a bit different from what Mark is telling.

_He never actually cared, and Jinyoung feels guilty for that._

“Anyway, moving on,” Mark says. “Everything’s fine and amazing, but Yien makes the same mistake again. I fell for my classmate and the other ones found out.”

Nobody accuses Mark of assault that time, but the guys beat him up several times. He becomes a great target for bullying, since he doesn’t even understand what’s being told to him most of the times and punches are the best language among eighteen year olds.

But it’s all okay, because there’s always Jaehyung, sometimes finding Mark literally _in_ the dumpster after getting beaten up, sometimes even protecting him from the hits. A shoulder to cry on, when Mark misses his home and the relatively normal life he had.

“Don’t get the wrong idea, I wasn’t in love with him. He was my best friend, a brother even. Better than my real one, to be honest, if I’m allowed to say these kind of things.”

Mark graduates from high school with decent grades and even gets a scholarship for the university. New page of life it seems, and Mark thinks he sees the light in his life for the first time in a while, but then Jaehyung’s father dies and the family gets short on money.

Mark is asked to move out, even though Jaehyung’s mother’s heart is aching as if she would be throwing out her own son, meanwhile Jaehyung himself starts to hang out with all sorts of weird people. And then the offer is made.

His friends are street racers and Jaehyung drags Mark to see the races a few times, they make a few successful bets and get some free money. Seeing their genius minds actually _knowing_ whose driving is good enough to win, the friends offer them to take part in it, but this time not in betting, but in actual _racing_.

Jaehyung chickens out at first, he never liked extremely risky things, but Mark gets fascinated by the opportunity to earn some easy money and agrees right away. Jaehyung, feeling responsible for his friend-slash-brother joins too, as a co-driver. They win once. Twice. Thrice in a row.

They become stars of the racetrack, money and other good (or not necessarily) stuff surrounding them, Mark is finally able to rent a flat on his own, Jaehyung pays his own tuition and starts supporting his mother financially. Bambam and Yugyeom join the crew as Mark’s mentees. Everything seems alright, Mark finally feels _happy_ , but when he feels happy, shit ensues and this time isn’t an exception.

“Remember what I told you about the last race of the season?” Mark asks, feeling his throat getting incredibly dry. He hasn’t talked that much in ages, if he ever did.

“Something about being… more reckless than usual?” Jinyoung frowns, trying to remember their first encounter. And only now, more than a month later, he asks the _right_ question. “What kind of recklessness are we talking about?”

Mark gets silent for a while, before he finally answers.

“Drugs.”

Jinyoung freezes and his jaw drops open. He never saw Mark smoking or drinking, and it seemed like he had some unspoken hatred to these things… but _drugs_?

“It wasn’t me,” Mark is quick to assure, seeing his stare. “Jaehyung. We tried it a few times, but I didn’t like the things that stuff was doing to me and I didn’t touch it anymore. Jaehyung, though… He got addicted.”

Apparently, Yugyeom had to be the co-driver that night, since he was training to become a racer too, and Mark promised him, but Jaehyung appeared half an hour before the race, demanding to let him drive.

“I saw that something is weird about him, I fucking saw,” Mark’s eyes get teary again and Jinyoung doesn’t know anymore in what kind of way this story can get any shittier. “Yet I was thinking only about the race, about how much money I will make if I win, so we settled that Jaehyung will be the co-driver. I knew the racetrack like I was born in it, he just had to sit in his seat and do nothing, so I though it’s okay to let him go with me. I fucking _had_ to prevent him from getting in that car, I fucking _knew_ he was high, he barely knew where he is or who I am—“

Mark’s words get interrupted by another flow of tears and Jinyoung softly pats his back, letting him know that he doesn’t need to rush.

“He took too much of that shit,” Mark cries out. “When we were finishing the second lap, something went wrong. He started shaking and it seemed like he’s not able to breathe properly, but still told me to focus on the road. _And I fucking did._ Few seconds after he was having a seizure and I tried to stop the car, but we were in front of a sharp turn. The car became uncontrollable, my one hand was on the wheel trying to keep the car on the road and another one was on Jaehyung’s neck trying to see if he’s still alive, and then—“

_And then they crashed. And then other cars crashed into them._

Jinyoung buries his face in Mark’s shoulder, staining his jacket with tears. He regrets demanding to hear this story, but not because it’s too hard to deal with it, but because of the effect it has on Mark. The latter is shaking so much, he barely can sit still and his last words are buried somewhere under uncontrollable sobs.

“ _I killed a person_ , Jinyoung. I killed him,” he chokes on his tears and Jinyoung reaches his arms out to cup Mark’s face, trying to make him stay still.

“You didn’t, Mark, you were trying to _save_ him,” he says, wishing that he had enough power to convince Mark with that. “If you continued driving, you would’ve returned with a dead body next to you. You tried to _check up_ on him.”

“You don’t understand,” Mark spits out in the same intonation Jinyoung sometimes speaks to him. “If _I_ never happened, if Jaehyung never knew me, he wouldn’t have gotten into racing. He wouldn’t have taken drugs. _I was the cause of it, I killed him the same moment he sat next to me in that plane. You’re not the biggest trash in the world, Jinyoung. I am_.”

Jaehyung died on the spot and Mark had the nerve, the ungratefulness to survive. Their car was a complete wreck, it took hours for the rescuers to take Mark out of there. Jaehyung didn’t wear a seatbelt and he just flew out the front window and Mark was still conscious enough to see it all.

“Were there any trials?” Jinyoung asks. “Street racing, car crash, drugs, a person had died… police had to be involved.”

Mark bitterly laughs, “You want to ask why I’m still not rotting in jail? Because Jaehyung’s mother is an angel, just like her son, Jinyoung. During the trial she witnessed that it was her son who was driving the car. Nobody checked her testimony, we were just a pair of delinquents in the eyes of the law, a drug addict and a foreigner with broken bones. No one had a particular interest in the case, because there were no other victims, just a few stitches for those who crashed into us. We weren’t _important_ enough, the drug addict was dead anyway and they released me, fined with a ridiculous fine for participating in illegal racing.

When Jaehyung’s mom visited me in the hospital and I asked why did she do this to her son, she said that he would’ve died from overdose that night anyway, and that he wouldn’t want to see me ruining my life taking the responsibility for the crash I caused trying to save him. She said she doesn’t want that, either. She was _thankful_ for me trying to help him and that’s what killed me the most.”

“She did what was the best, you weren’t guilty,” Jinyoung says, trying not to start crying again. _He has to be strong, for Mark_. “But… When did _Mark_ make an appearance in this story?”

“When I was released from the hospital a month later. I couldn’t bear the weight of what Yien was carrying and I thought that changing my name would help to get rid of the guilt. It didn’t.”

There were countless days Mark wanted to die. To slit his wrists, to overdose on sleeping pills. Sometimes he thought about it as escaping from the guilt, from terrifying memories. Sometimes it felt like a way to see Jaehyung again, and he actually did - in the darkness of his room, in the water of the kitchen sink, in the mirror of his bathroom. _Everywhere. Everything was Jaehyung._

Mark stopped meeting people, forbade all his friends to visit him, stopped eating and slowly allowed himself to keep getting nearer the edge.

“What stopped you?” Jinyoung asks. He doesn’t know how to say Mark that he understands that feeling, he was through that a whole lot of times, without sounding artificial. “Who got you out of that shit?”

Mark tries to smile, for the first time in a while, “Yugyeom and Bambam. When they found out what really happened, they basically moved in with me. They forced me to eat, went shopping, did the laundry, hid all the pills from me, did _everything_ , while I was laying in the darkness, wishing to disappear. It’s extremely hard to give up on yourself, when there’s at least one person thinking about you, Jinyoung. You can’t stop worrying about what would happen to that person if you died. And I had two of them, realizing I _can’t_ leave them alone. Bambam was all alone in a foreign country just like me, and Yugyeom’s family wasn’t suitable for raising a kid, I couldn’t let him live with them. I started seeing a doctor, drank shitloads of pills, went to a therapist. It helped a bit.”

“A bit?”

“There still are days, when I want to give up, really. Days when I wake up and all I see is darkness, or worse, Jaehyung in front of my eyes, telling me that I killed him. These things never really go away, you know that yourself. Kids are able to survive on their own now, Yugyeom will be an amazing racer if he wants to, and Bambam has a great head for all that academic stuff. I’m not worried about them anymore.”

“What’s stopping you then?” Jinyoung asks, but he thinks that deep down he already knows the answer.

“You.”

Jinyoung wants to let out a cry of despair, because he’s really not the person who would be worth staying for, but he doesn’t say it out loud. Mark doesn’t need to hear it now.

“You remind me of myself,” Mark says. “The same patterns of lying, trying to convince people that you’re okay. The same bad days, the same good ones. And I don’t want you to give up, Jinyoung. I told you, it’s hard to give up when someone cares about you, and I swear to god, I’m going to make it so hard for you to give up, you’re not gonna—“

He gets silent again, tears streaming down his face and Jinyoung doesn’t say a word anymore, just hugs him, tighter than even before. The sit like that, Mark’s face buried somewhere into Jinyoung’s neck, until he calms down, their hair being ruffled by the cold autumn wind.

Jinyoung gets to the car first, as Mark asks for some alone time, and when latter comes back, he asks, “So what’s now?”

“If you want to dump me, I will just drive you home and never bother you again,” Mark mumbles.

Jinyoung just lets out a faint smile, “That’s out of question for now. I mean, how should I address you now. Yien or Mark?”

“It’s up to you. Yien is a murderer, but so is Mark. You can’t hide the nature of people just by calling them different names.”

“Yien is a misunderstood child that experienced a lot of unfortunate events in his life. Mark is the same Yien, just a lot braver for trying to overcome it and the one that I came to like,” Jinyoung says, putting his seatbelt on. “I think you’re staying Mark for me.”

They both would want that this would be their happy ending, all the twists of their lives untangled, no more secrets, but life is like that – scars of the soul don’t heal that fast, and even Jinyoung is determined to make up for all that shit he burdened Mark with all these weeks, his bad days are stronger than his determination.

_And the third time they fight, Jinyoung makes a mistake.  
_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And I'm also done with myself for writing all this.


	13. Chapter 13

_“I have always liked quiet people,” Jackson once said to him, trying to keep the conversation going. “You can never know if they’re only tangled in a daydream or if they’re carrying the weight of the world. It’s charming in a way, don’t you think?”_

Jinyoung doesn’t see anything charming in this, not when he needs to figure out which one of the options – a daydream or a nightmare – is the most fitting right now. It’s almost dawn, but Mark is lying next to him wide awake, staring at the ceiling as if he is trying to find some answers there. His one arm is wrapped around Jinyoung, but tonight the embrace feels uncomfortably tight and rough.

When they got back from the cemetery Mark asked to give him some time. A few days to patch up the bleeding wounds that were opened by the sudden confrontation about his past, and Jinyoung didn’t even question it, that was the least he could do.

And after exactly three days Mark showed up in the radio, picking Jinyoung up after his evening show like he usually does. No signs of breakdowns, no tiredness, just the same annoyingly idiotic optimism, the same reassuring smiles and soothing hugs and they never touched that topic ever again.

_But they both know that this topic will never be closed completely._

If Jinyoung had to name one good thing that came out of all this – it’s the easiness, the good riddance of unnecessary acting, when things start to go downhill. It seems like a weird dance in a way – a few steps closer towards each other when Mark doesn’t feel well and abrupt moving away when Jinyoung feels like suffocating.

_Mark needs closeness and Jinyoung needs distance, but they seem to balance each other out quite well._

“Is everything okay?” he isn’t afraid that Mark will lie to him. Contrary to himself, Mark never relied on wordplays, Jinyoung just had to _ask_. Everything else is relatively easy, the most important task was to make Mark _talk_.

“It should be,” the latter says, rolling on his side and placing a tired kiss on Jinyoung’s jaw. “There are some things on my mind lately, but nothing you should worry about. Let’s just go to sleep.”

Jinyoung hates the word _should_ – it implies too many things that he didn’t do. He _should_ have paid more attention to Mark, to his feelings, yet he just ripped the story out of Mark’s lips when the latter wasn’t ready. He _should_ have talked with Youngjae more these days, yet it seems like they have drifted apart a little bit amidst all these personal dramas and preparations for finals. Jinyoung _should_ have started sorting out the mess of his life, yet he still has no clue where to start.

 _His good days_ should _last, but they just_ don’t _._

Jinyoung doesn’t even notice when his smiles that lasted for a few good weeks become fake again. Maybe it happens when he finds Mark crying in the bathroom in the middle of the night again, despite all his efforts to make him feel better. Maybe it happens when Youngjae just waves to him in the cafeteria, but doesn’t come to talk. Or maybe when he’s cleaning the radio laptop from unnecessary files and finds documents for transferring to another university, all hidden in Jaebum’s folder.

_Perhaps, all these things at once just turn Jinyoung’s inner switch off, allowing the darkness to swallow him again._

He still _tries_ , he tries so hard to keep those smiles going. Mostly because his smile puts Mark at ease, along with that genuine laugh that turns Jinyoung’s eyes into beautiful crescents. The same one like that time when Mark visited him during his shift in the radio with a cupcake and two candles, indicating their two month anniversary. Mark rarely remembers any dates and it made Jinyoung feel kind of special.

They accidentally set the fire alarm off because of those burning candles, one show got cancelled and there was water everywhere, but Jinyoung laughed nevertheless. The _deal_ was long forgotten then, their expiration date was extended for an indefinite period of time. But those were the _good_ days.

_Lately, all Jinyoung can think about is that they have barely two weeks left and the idea of Mark soon being free and away from all this shit sounds extremely comforting._

That particular day of December starts terribly anyway, Jinyoung thinks when he’s leaning over the sink in his bathroom, trying to avoid the sight of himself in the mirror. He fails, though, and when he finally makes an eye contact with himself in the mirror, Jinyoung lets out a disgusted sound, one of the many he addresses himself by.

His eyes are red and puffy from restless sleep that lasted like twenty minutes. Jinyoung can only thank god that Mark had an important workshop he couldn’t skip early in the morning, so he didn’t stay for the night. Seeing your boyfriend not being able to fall asleep because of another guy is never a pleasant sight.

But Jinyoung just can’t find any other explanation about the transfer documents in Jaebum’s folder, other than _him_ being the reason. The form wasn’t even filled out completely, yet that shitty voice in his head just keeps repeating that Jaebum is running away from _him_.

_It would make sense, though, wouldn’t it? He was trying to deal with Jinyoung’s shitty personality for years now, he must have had enough. Attending another university where his shit wouldn’t reach Jaebum should sound like a tempting idea._

When Jinyoung finally snaps out of his messed up thoughts, he realizes two things. First, he spent thirty minutes sitting in the kitchen without moving, being killed inside by his overthinking. Second, he’s late.

_Fuck._

He grabs his backpack and runs to the bus stop, irritated by the first snow of that year, but the bus is already gone and Jinyoung just opts for a walk to the radio, instead of trying to make it to the lecture on time. He feels that annoying heaviness lingering on his heart and he feels weirdly out of breath, but he just keeps going.

_Just like he does with his life; even though he barely manages to, Jinyoung still keeps going._

When he finally reaches the studio, Jackson is already there, sorting out the news and music charts, collecting some info that Jinyoung could use during his show later today and the latter just sits down, turning on his computer with a lazy movement of his foot, greeting Jackson with a slight nod.

_Time to make some playlists._

“Feeling bothered today?” Jackson asks, looking at Jinyoung taking his headphones.

He’s usually perceptive like that, but sometimes Jinyoung wonders whether he’s really observant or just really good at guessing what people feel. He just shrugs and they both continue to work in silence, the room filled only with sounds of tapping the keyboards. However, the silence doesn’t last long, as Jinyoung basically rips the headphones off his ears.

“Jackson?” he asks and his colleague’s eyes shoot a stare at him, waiting for whatever that’s going to be asked.

“Yup?”

“Do you…” Jinyoung starts, but chickens out the last second. “Do you want some coffee?”

He actually wanted to ask if Jackson knows that Jaebum is probably transferring to another university, but couldn’t find courage to do so, being afraid that Jackson knows all the reasons behind those documents. Being afraid that he will confirm that _Jinyoung_ is the reason.

Jackson decides not to show that he’s surprised by this weird question.

“No, thanks, man.”

Mark comes by around midday, greeting Jackson with a high-five and a light peck on Jinyoung’s cheek, because the latter is occupied with scrolling down the gossip sites for his show. Mark laughs at Jackson rolling his eyes at that, but gets a bit taken aback by his boyfriend barely showing any response to the kiss. However, he just brushes it off - when Jinyoung is working, even a war wouldn’t stop him.

“What are our plans for today?” he asks, plopping on the sofa, when Jinyoung finally turns off the browser and turns to him.

“I have a show at 8 PM and that’s pretty much it,” Jinyoung replies. His voice sounds dry and dull, and even though Mark would like to pretend that it’s because he might be tired, they all know it’s not the case.

_It’s back again._

“I was planning to visit the boys in the racetrack, since they’re having a practice today,” Mark says, carefully observing Jinyoung’s reaction. It was quite easy for him to tell how bad Jinyoung's bad day is from the things he wanted or did not want to do. “I thought you might want to join?”

“It’s snowing outside, is it even safe for them to drive?” Jinyoung asks, but he doesn’t have any real interest, just pretending to care.

“It stopped, everything should be fine.”

Jinyoung just shrugs. He’s not really fascinated by the offer, actually he would want to sleep a bit, but he doesn’t hate the idea completely either, so he says, “Whatever, just bring me back before 6 PM, I need to prepare for that damn show.”

Jackson keeps silent the whole time, just slamming his keyboard without lifting his eyes, as if pretending he’s not here, but Jinyoung knows that he’s listening anyway, so he still tries to keep his usual exterior up and flashes him a smile when Mark says that they should go.

They drive to the racetracks in silence, just exchanging a few phrases like _how was your workshop, when are you planning to finish the show tonight, should I pick you up after it_ , and usually Mark would be quite calm about that. Every couple has a few awkward days once in a while when there’s nothing to talk about. But now it’s not even awkward, it just feels weird and _frightening_ , like dark clouds before the storm, and it makes Mark anxious.

Jinyoung never liked to hang out around _the kids_. Mostly because Bambam is too loud and all over the place and something about the way the youngest talks to him feels off-putting. Today is not an exception – Yugyeom’s greeting is almost as cold as the weather, a complete opposite of Bambam’s _oh-look-mom-and-dad-came-for-a-visit_ hug (Jinyoung for some reason always felt that he’s the mom in Bambam’s mind, and it made him kind of uncomfortable).

“I’m going to check some engines with Bambam and will go for a lap or two,” Mark says to him and Jinyoung just nods, not being fascinated by the idea of spending time with Yugyeom alone. “We will be right back.”

“Be safe,” it’s all Jinyoung says.

He stands a bit further from Yugyeom when they leave, but after feeling the guy’s stare almost burning a hole somewhere in his side profile, Jinyoung turns to him with his eyebrow raised. It feels like there’s something left unspoken, and he gets curious.

_That moment Jinyoung forgets about the saying that curiosity killed the cat. Quite literally this time._

“Can we talk somewhere else?” Yugyeom finally says without any honorifics and it feels like it took a while for him to find courage to speak like this.

Jinyoung just wordlessly follows him, and when they finally are far enough from the track to be able to talk without shouting, Yugyeom just keeps looking at the ground instead of Jinyoung.

“I know I shouldn’t—“ he finally opens his mouth.

“If you _shouldn’t_ be doing something, you _wouldn’t_ , but here we are, so let’s save some time,” Jinyoung cuts his sentence off in the middle, not feeling eager to hear long introductions to the topic. “What’s up?”

“I know that Mark loves you and such, he even trusts you enough to talk about his past and, believe me, it’s quite a feat to achieve,” Yugyeom starts, at first a bit shy, but as he talks, his voice gains more and more confidence. “But I see how he looks sometimes when he comes back from you, and that’s a sight I don’t really want to see.”

Jinyoung furrows his eyebrows, “What do you mean?”

“Listen, I got the idea that your life isn’t the easiest either, but it brushes off on Mark in all the worst ways and I can’t stand that empty stare of his whenever shit goes down between you two. Bambam thinks the same, too,” he adds, as if Bambam’s opinion would hold some crucial meaning to this.

Jinyoung has never heard these words outside his nightmares, but it strangely feels like he has been half-expecting to hear them one day. And something inside him dies yet again, because it’s one thing when he himself thinks that he’s toxic for Mark, hoping that it’s only his fucked up brains talking shit.

_And hearing other people stating the same words out loud as a fact is a completely different deal._

“So what are you suggesting?” he breathes out, but his mind is already wandering elsewhere, trying to remain calm in front of the guy.

“I’m not asking you to break up with him, don’t misunderstand,” Yugyeom’s voice remains cold and he has no idea what shitstorm he just started in Jinyoung’s head. “But just because your life is fucked up, it doesn’t mean that you should go around ruining it for other people, frankly speaking. Think about Mark too, he has suffered a lot already, that’s all I’m asking.”

 _Mark doesn’t deserve to be burdened with the pile of shit that Jinyoung is,_ frankly speaking _. That’s what Yugyeom is trying to tell him._

“It might be obvious, but just in case,” Yugyeom says, turning to go, as they see Bambam and Mark coming back from the track laughing at something. “This conversation never happened.”

_Jinyoung really wishes that this conversation never happened._

He spends the rest of the time in silence, completely unfazed by everything that is happening around. He doesn’t feel Mark’s arm wrapped around his waist anymore, he doesn’t notice when Mark gives him his jacket because it’s literally freezing, even though it’s barely the beginning of December. Jinyoung doesn’t even hear when Mark says it’s time for them to go, it’s lunch time already.

All that echo in his head are Yugyeom’s words.

_Just because your life is fucked up, it doesn’t mean that you should go around ruining it for other people. Jinyoung, ruining lives for everyone around him. How fucking unexpected._

“What’s wrong with you?” Mark finally snaps, when they stop at the red light at the intersection near Jinyoung’s house. The latter ignored every Mark’s question, and it’s honestly irritating.

“Nothing.”

“Keep that bullshit for someone else.”

_How ironic, it’s exactly what Yugyeom asked. To keep his fucked up bullshit away from Mark._

Jinyoung doesn’t respond until they reach the house and Mark just sighs. He woke up too early this morning and was pissed off about the amount of homework he had to do, and Jinyoung, even though Mark loved every bit of him, isn’t helping with this dancing around the topic.

“Mark?” Jinyoung finally asks, when they enter the kitchen to make something to eat. And then Mark understands.

_Fuck. Question time again._

But, surprisingly, Jinyoung is pretty straight-forward this time. He doesn’t have any strength to hide behind double meanings anymore, things that are happening around are just crushing him and he has no hope of getting out of it alive anymore.

“Have you ever left like I’m just piling my shit on your shoulders and that it affects you in pretty negative ways?”

Mark frowns, the question seems absolutely ridiculous to him, “What the hell, of course not.”

_Jinyoung would like to believe that, but then again, Mark might be lying and he would never notice._

“Where is this coming from?” Mark asks.

Jinyoung doesn’t bother to keep the conversation between him and Yugyeom a secret. They are not friends, he isn’t obliged to help that guy to steer away clean from this. All Jinyoung feels now is the familiar emptiness and the feeling that he’s just selfishly using people to feel better about his fucked up mind.

“From your _kids_ , apparently.”

_He’s also afraid that Yugyeom’s words are true after all. That he’s not helping Mark, but just making him feel worse._

“What did he tell you?” Mark sighs. He knew it was a bad idea leaving them alone, Yugyeom’s childish hatred is just ridiculous and immature.

“Oh, nothing,” Jinyoung sarcastically tells, putting pasta in the boiling water. Half of it doesn’t even make it there, scattering around but he doesn’t care. The emptiness inside him is slowly replaced by anger towards the entire world, similar to what a sick, dying person feels when he sees healthy people who have so many things ahead of them. _Jealously that they’re all normal and Jinyoung is only a fuck up._ “Just that I should continue screwing up my life alone, leaving you out of this.”

Mark thinks that he’s going to tear Yugyeom in pieces, as he says, “He doesn’t mean that.”

“Oh I think he does. Not like he’s wrong, anyway.”

Mark knows what Jinyoung might be feeling now, what kind of thoughts Yugyeom’s words put in his head, but he still doesn’t know a way to convince his boyfriend that it’s the exact opposite. Jinyoung’s bad days don’t fuck Mark up, it just helps him to concentrate on helping him instead of drowning in his own past.

“Listen, he’s just not used to having to share the attention with someone, okay,” Mark tries to remain calm. He honestly feels like a father having to mediate between his kids and a new life partner and it’s just incredibly funny and sad at the same time. “And he’s still mad about that lost race, too.”

“Well, I’m sorry that you decided to play a hero and left them,” Jinyoung poisonously laughs. “Can you at least tell them that Minjae calling me names wasn’t actually my plan to seduce and use you as my therapist?”

“I wasn’t playing a hero, you both know it,” Mark states, visibly irritated now. “I will talk about it with him. And don’t drag Bambam in this, he’s just easily influenced by Yugyeom.”

“Sure.”

Mark feels helpless at this sarcastic tone of Jinyoung’s. He knows that Yugyeom isn’t right, and that the shit he caused will send Jinyoung flying back to the rock bottom of blaming himself for every time Mark wasn’t smiling, but he still tries to save what’s left from the situation.

“Just give them time.”

“I’m just not used to some kids from the streets telling me what to do,” he blurts out without thinking. Mark’s stare becomes cold, he purses his lips and Jinyoung knows that he fucked up.

He thinks that he has never heard this intonation coming from Mark, when the latter says, “They are not _some kids from the streets_ , Jinyoung. They’re basically my family.”

“Whatever,” Jinyoung hopes that it’s the best way to let the topic go. At least it works with Youngjae, because he always plays along, but with Mark it gives a completely different outcome.

“ _Jinyoung_.”

He doesn’t listen as he turns to the stove to clean the mess of scattered pasta around the pot, so Mark says, “Just be patient with them, for god’s sake. You know, waiting a little bit for them to get used to you won’t kill you.”

Jinyoung loses control over himself completely. Yugyeom’s words left an utter mess out of him, screaming that every Mark’s tear that he ever shed is because Jinyoung cares only about himself. And all he wants now is to bite, to spit fire, to hurt people around him so that they would finally leave him alone.

_He just wants to prove everyone right, that he really is only a fuck up._

“Well, of course, you know about killing the best, don’t you.”

It seems like the soul leaves Mark’s body. His face gets drained of any color or emotion, he doesn’t even look like he’s breathing. He slowly stands up and Jinyoung almost _hopes_ that Mark will slap him or punch him in the eye _, he deserves that anyway_ , but Mark isn’t like that.

“You know what, _fuck you_ , Park Jinyoung. Honestly,” that’s all he calmly says before leaving, and like always, the calmest words have the strongest outcome. 


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning: suicide attempt

When Mark is finally a few blocks away from Jinyoung, he doesn’t know what he was expecting all this time.

Everything feels extremely pointless now – those countless arguments with Yugyeom defending his boyfriend, repeating that Jinyoung _is_ a good person, that’s he’s only sick and it doesn’t affect Mark in any way; those sleepless nights trying to suppress his own fears in order to help Jinyoung get rid of his.

All this only for Jinyoung to slap Mark with these kind of words, to stab where it hurts the most.

Mark tries to shoo away the thought that things people say in the heat of the moment are usually telling, as he’s aimlessly driving around the city. Jinyoung knows better than this, he would never hurt people like that on purpose.

_But what if he would? Maybe Jinyoung really thinks of him as a murderer? Maybe those few weeks were just a mere disguise and he couldn’t stand it anymore? He did tell Mark not to trust him, though…_

Mark thinks that he will never know. Jinyoung won’t let him go anywhere near anymore, building thick indestructible walls around himself again… and it’s not like Mark wants to talk with him now, either.

 

Jinyoung has seen a lot of empty chairs in his life. His father’s empty chair in the dining room, the empty chair of his mother during the school plays Jinyoung was in; the empty chair in the classroom because no one wanted to sit next to him. Jaebum’s empty seat during lectures, Youngjae’s empty chair in the cafeteria lately.

And all Jinyoung can think about now is what would happen if his _own_ chair was finally empty.

He always was pretty sure that he won’t survive until his 25th birthday or so, not with a life and mind fucked up like that. And now, when he’s searching for earphones and laying down on his bed, feeling as if he exhausted his body’s capacity to feel any kind of emotion, Jinyoung thinks that he might have made an error in this calculation. That he might have given himself four years too much.

_Four more years would be way too much of a gift for a piece of shit that he is._

Jinyoung looks under his bed, fishing out the bottle of sleeping pills Mark never knew he had. Or at least never searched for it there that time when Jinyoung had a breakdown and Mark just went through his things taking away everything that could potentially kill him.

_How sweet of him, but you can’t save what’s already a lost case._

Jinyoung doesn’t think about killing himself _right now_ , he still has a show to do, and his responsibilities were all that was fucking left of his life; but the silent sound of the pills clattering in the bottle seems calming. Giving him power to decide what to do with his life – one of the many things he never had, but always wished for.

Jinyoung thinks that one pill won’t do any harm, he just wants to sleep for a few hours before the show without seeing Mark’s disappointed face everywhere _._

 **_Can‘t believe you were once_ **  
**_Just like anyone else_ **  
**_Then you grew and became_ **  
**_Like the devil himself_ **

Jinyoung always saved this song in his playlist for special occasions. The lyrics just spoke to him in many ways like nothing else did. It seemed like the song was dedicated to Jinyoung himself and he gladly held onto every word.

He was an ordinary kid in his childhood, not extremely popular, but still had friends nonetheless, even growing up without a father didn‘t really make any difference up until he turned fifteen and got himself into a nightmare he still hasn’t woken up from.

Jinyoung was just like anyone else, just like any other guy in the school. But then he fell in love with a wrong _guy_ and the only thing he received were bruises, insults and constant fear.

_He was limping on his way home, because the idiots of the senior class kicked him a lot harsher than usually during the first break and his lip was bleeding after Minjae kindly stuffed his fist into Jinyoung’s mouth after the lessons ended._

_Jinyoung didn’t cry, he never did in front of the bullies, taking away at least one sick pleasure from them. He cried only at home, where no one heard or no one cared. This time it was just the cold wind, which was too harsh for his eyes. Or at least he tried to convince himself with that._

_That day was the first day when Jinyoung thought that he would be better off dead. He was only sixteen at that time, but he was already tired. Sick and tired of his own life, of being constantly beaten, called names, having his things stolen, being humiliated having to do all kinds of horrible things to get those things back. And it was too much for Jinyoung to cope with, especially when he knew that nothing was different at home._

_His mother barely talked with him ever since the big news broke out half a year ago. When Jinyoung came back from school with bruises for the first time, she just said that he probably deserved it. And eventually Jinyoung started believing that and stopped expecting any help._

_“Hey!” he heard a voice somewhere behind. It didn’t sound angry or insulting, rather the complete of opposite of how Minjae made it sound all the time, but Jinyoung still decided not to turn around._

_Maybe if he ignores it, he won’t come back home with any additional bruising, Jinyoung thought, but the owner of the voice didn’t seem like willing to give up._

_“Can you wait a bit, jesus,” few seconds after Jinyoung felt something hard hitting his back._

_Too small to be a ball, but too big to be a stone. He learned how to tell objects apart by how much pain they caused. Unfortunately, a lot of things were thrown at him on a daily basis._

_Another hit, and something rolled under his feet, almost making Jinyoung trip over it. It was just an apple._

_He finally turned around quite confused, expecting to see someone from school picking a fight with him, a fight that Jinyoung was supposed to lose, but he only saw a kid standing behind him, another apple ready in his palm._

_“What do you want?” Jinyoung mumbled, walking away again. He wasn’t ready to fight with a kid, but his leg was hurting so much that he eventually had to slow down and the stranger followed him anyway. “If it’s about Minjae’s art project, tell him I will bring it tomorrow, like we agreed.”_

Like he told me to _, Jinyoung corrects himself in his mind._

_“Why would I care about that uneducated pig?” the stranger laughed and his laugh was so melodic, Jinyoung couldn’t help but smile a bit, too._

_“That doesn’t answer my question,” Jinyoung asked, shaking his head, because the kid offered him an apple. He started wondering how many apples this kid had, as it was the third one already he was willing to waste on Jinyoung. The kid just rolled his eyes at the refusal. “First of all, why were you throwing apples at me?”_

_The kid let out a chuckle, “You didn’t stop when I called, so I had to choose between ruining some apples and throwing rocks I saw on the ground. Apples seemed more… humane.”_

_Jinyoung got surprised a bit, it was a first time in ages to hear someone picking a thing that would hurt him_ less _._

_“I’m Choi Youngjae, by the way,” the kid stopped for a bit and bowed with all the required respect and it finally made Jinyoung smile. Well, not exactly smile, but at least get rid of that frown etched in his face._

_“Park Jinyoung.”_

_“I know.”_

_Jinyoung felt ashamed of himself, for carrying his “fame” around, but Youngjae continued, “I saw what happened after the lessons.”_

_Of course he did, Jinyoung thinks, a lot of people did. Minjae never missed a chance to make his torture public and this time wasn’t an exception._

_“So?”_

_“I want to be your friend,” Youngjae said, offering him a smile._

_Jinyoung stopped in the middle of the step, what caused him to stumble and almost trip. He looked at Youngjae incredulously, not believing the words coming from the younger’s mouth. This had to be a joke of some sort, it had happened before._

_“I don’t need friends,” he was quick to refuse, sounding quite rude and his tone was mocking. “Besides, you’re like what, twelve?”_

_“Fourteen, just so you know,” Youngjae cringed. “And don’t worry, it’s not a prank. I have nothing to do with Minjae. Why would I even, he’s so dumb I’m still surprised he finds the way to school on his own.”_

_Jinyoung looked around to make sure that nobody was listening to them and only then let out a chuckle. Seemed like he and Youngjae shared the same views on some certain topics._

_“But why would you want to befriend someone like me?” Jinyoung asked. He couldn’t give anything back to Youngjae in this friendship, not in a state like this. “You can get bullied, too.”_

_“I won’t,” the latter smiled again and Jinyoung started wondering if this kid was_ always _so damn happy. “Not if they want to pass math this semester, that is, my father is a math teacher here. And also… You seem nice, nicer than most of the people. And your…_ condition _… I’m totally cool with it, it’s just dumb narrow minded people who think that it’s something scandalous.”_

_Jinyoung still couldn’t believe it next day when Youngjae made quite a statement by joining his table in cafeteria during lunch. Usually, nobody even dared to spare him a glance if they didn’t want to get excluded from their friends, and yet Youngjae was calmly eating his rice and telling a story about his English teacher to Jinyoung, who was sitting there flabbergasted, thinking that he’s dreaming._

_The bullying didn’t stop, Youngjae wasn’t exactly a savior or a solution to his fucked up life. But even though the younger had to patch up Jinyoung’s wounds with some plasters from time to time or lend him money for a subway when he used to get robbed by the bullies, Youngjae never complained and patiently wiped Jinyoung’s tears away every time, as he was the only person Jinyoung would show his tears to._

_That word wasn’t familiar for Jinyoung back then, but he thought that he finally made a_ friend _._

He feels a tear rolling down his cheek, when he finally snaps out from the memories. Jinyoung doesn’t know why the first encounter with Youngjae suddenly popped in his head. Probably because Youngjae was his first friend after a long time, and definitely the only one he still has. But that’s not going to last for long either, because Jinyoung is a just a fuck up.

He takes two more pills, feeling irritated because it doesn’t seem like the previous one would be working. It won’t do any damage, he just wants to sleep, _is that too fucking much to ask_.

_Just because your life is fucked up, it doesn’t mean that you should go around ruining it for other people._

Suddenly these words start to echo in his head again, muting everything around and Jinyoung wants to hide. To shove these words deep down, because he knows that Yugyeom _is_ right, he’s too toxic, not only for Mark, but for everyone.

Jinyoung thinks that he actually has seen that hurt and disappointed expression of Mark’s on Jaebum’s face too, when Jinyoung would start picking on his insecurities in hopes that Jaebum will finally see what kind of monster he got involved with.

_All Jinyoung wanted was to have a one night stand, to make someone feel good while destroying himself from the inside. Everything seemed unbearable even though he knew that he was supposed to be happy - he moved out from the nightmare that was his hometown, no more bullying, heck, Jinyoung even had_ friends _now, but his mind just refused to believe that he’s worth all that and created another obstacle for him. An obstacle in a form of Im Jaebum._

_A senior party where Jinyoung ended up being in, seemed like a decent place to search for a guy or a girl to spend the night with, to drown his fuckery in a soju bottle when the first week of university wasn’t even finished yet._

_It was just before midnight when he spotted a guy sitting on the ground further from everyone else, just minding his own business while scrolling down the phone. The guy seemed pretty decent looking, handsome enough for Jinyoung to repeat himself later that a person like him would never willingly spend time with Jinyoung if it wasn’t for sex._

_And Jinyoung just went for it, his usual sober shyness long gone, as he was downing his fourth bottle of beer._

_“I saw you in one of the lectures,” he said, plopping on the ground next to the guy. “Broadcasting major as well?”_

_The guy lifted his dark eyes from the screen and gave Jinyoung a faint smile. Then he slowly nodded and introduced himself. Im Jaebum. When Jinyoung repeated the syllables back then, it didn’t sound like a name of a person he will ruin._

_“Listen, it wasn’t me who basically slammed my face into yours,” Jaebum hissed two weeks after the party when Jinyoung said that they should stop meeting each other for the first time. “I didn’t ask for that, you know.”_

_Things were going too fast and they weren’t in Jinyoung’s favor. The latter brought Jaebum to his room that night and, following the original plan, it was supposed to make the guy, back then a quite shy freshman just looking for a friend, feel good and make Jinyoung feel like a trash, but it turned out a bit differently._

_Jaebum felt shitty for taking the advantage of Jinyoung’s drunken state and on top of that, he_ fell in love _with Jinyoung._

Fell _wasn’t even the right word for Jaebum. Crashed into it, maybe. Smashed into it like a car smashes into a wall. He saw some kind of a god in Jinyoung and the latter was afraid. Afraid that Jaebum one day will see through the cracks of his smile._

_“You could’ve fucking refused,” Jinyoung gritted his teeth. He just wanted this sick relationship to be over, it was better for both of them, especially for Jaebum. “You were the sober one.”_

_“So now it’s my fault?” Jaebum’s voice didn’t even remind him of that calm and collected guy Jaebum was in front of everyone. It took only two weeks for Jinyoung to change Jaebum into an unpredictable, unfamiliar person whenever they fought. “You clearly didn’t look like you wanted me to refuse it that night. Or any other night, to be honest.”_

_Jinyoung’s laugh was cruel, “It clearly didn’t look like you will fuck your presentation up this morning, but look what happened.”_

_Jaebum’s face changed into pure shock. He tried to swallow the remark down, not to give Jinyoung the pleasure of picking a fight about this, but the latter knew very well where to aim._

_Jaebum had a fear, quite unusual for broadcasting majors, a slight fear of public speaking, which caused him to stutter in the middle of his presentation. It killed him everytime it happened and he thought that Jinyoung would understand, but the latter just took a handful of salt and poured it all over the wound._

_“You’re a fucking asshole, Jinyoung,” Jaebum slowly said, trying to breathe his anger out through slow deep breaths. “But maybe that’s what I love about you the most.”_

_“We agreed on not using this word,” Jinyoung mumbled. Words like “love” were foreign to him, he never really even knew how it feels like, to love someone just like that, not being afraid that it’s a joke, not being afraid that he’s just a burden for everyone with his shitty mind. Not being paranoid that he’s only being used._

_Now Jinyoung’s stare was nothing but pleading._

Please, leave me, will you. I have no strength to do that myself.

_“I love you, Jinyoung.”_

_“You have always loved broken things,” the latter remarked, feeling nauseous from hearing Jaebum’s confession._

_Jaebum thought he was talking about Jaebum’s broken guitar that he refused to throw away, so he just laughed._

While swallowing another pill out of the lack of patience, Jinyoung has to admit that he got attached to Mark despite all his attempts not to and it actually happened _way before_ Mark finally opened up. All his traits that were first irritating, the silence, the uncontrollable wish to save Jinyoung when the latter was giving up – Jinyoung got used to that. And there was something about Mark that Jinyoung never really figured out, didn’t care enough to do so.

He always thought everyone’s heart plays a certain kind of music. For Jackson it was some dance music beat, for Youngjae – a cartoon soundtrack. Jaebum’s heartbeat reminded Jinyoung of an impatient tapping on piano keys. His own heart sounded like someone trying to play the violin without having any sense of pitch whatsoever.

Mark’s heart, however, sounded like a purest symphony, like a running water, calming and soothing everywhere Jinyoung burned and crashed. And he just couldn’t figure out how Mark manages to play that symphony when his own strings are broken. Jinyoung never understood how a person can be so loving and caring after living through horrors like that.

Or to be precise, he never understood how Mark can love and care about _Jinyoung_ so much, knowing very well that he isn’t capable of loving anyone back in a non-toxic way.

 _**We can’t wait for the day** _  
_**That you’re never around** _  
_**When that face isn’t here** _  
_**And you rot in the ground** _

Jinyoung suddenly starts laughing. He can’t wait for that day either, to be free from everything, not being a burden to everyone else. What he said to Mark was unforgivable, yet the only way to make him go away and never return, before their relationship turned into what he had with Jaebum – only a suffocating bubble of harsh words and unhealthy decisions. He had learned his lesson – instead of leaving people hanging and running away, it was way easier to make them hate Jinyoung and leave first.

_Just because your life is fucked up, it doesn’t mean that you should go around ruining it for other people._

He remembers Yugyeom’s words again, but this time he hears Youngjae’s, Jaebum’s, _everyone’s_ voices chanting it in his head and it takes four more pills to kill them.

Jinyoung feels that it’s getting hard to follow his mind and he hopes that the pills started working. He tries to set up an alarm clock in his phone, but it’s too hard to move his hands and he actually enjoys this feeling of numbness and fuzziness.

Jinyoung hasn’t felt so sleepy and dreamy in a while and he likes it.

_He will sleep this shit off, go to the radio, then he will host the show, and then call Jaebum to finally get things straight, sure Jaebum will forgive him, and then Jinyoung will call Mark and he will apologize for everything and will finally tell that he loves him and will ask about that therapist… Everything will be fine…_

_Jinyoung… Yeah, Jinyoung will be fine._

****

Mark is still in the downtown, when his phone suddenly rings. He doesn’t know whom was he expecting, maybe Jinyoung and his apology, but it’s only Youngjae and Mark feels slightly disappointed.

“Is Jinyoung with you?” Youngjae asks, before Mark even manages to open his mouth.

“Doesn’t he have a show at 8?” he asks, and the silence in the other end scares him somehow. He reaches his hand out to turn on the radio and find the right station.

It’s 8:12 PM and all he hears is, “Good evening, you will be spending the evening with me, Im Jaebum. Our usual host Park Jinyoung is… sick.”

That unsure pause Jaebum makes before the word “sick” turns on the alarm in Mark’s head. Where the fuck _is_ Jinyoung?

“Did you see him today?” Youngjae’s voice is rising and Mark feels the same fear he hears from the younger creeping into is mind.

“Yeah,” Mark’s throat gets dry. “We… had a fight.”

“I have a spare key, let’s meet at Jinyoung’s place. I will take a cab.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm also terribly sorry for writing this, tbh.


	15. Chapter 15

Jinyoung was still breathing when they got there.

Mark thinks it will be etched in his memory forever – Jinyoung lying in his bed with eyes closed for what seemed forever; Youngjae screaming and breaking down at the sight; his own fingers on Jinyoung’s neck vein counting the rare beats, praying that they wouldn’t stop. Youngjae begging Jinyoung to stay; the latter being taken away by paramedics; Youngjae getting admitted to the emergency room for a check-up because of shock; Jinyoung taken to the surgery room.

 _He will live_ sounded like the most obvious words doctors could tell few hours after. It just couldn‘t be otherwise – he _had_ to live, Mark _promised_ him that he won‘t allow Jinyoung to give up. However, when the doctor finally confirms it, Mark‘s legs feel like they‘re made from cotton and he has to take a seat, trying to take deep breaths in order not to break down. It feels like a late reaction, like his mind would‘ve been pushing all his emotions away until he was sure that Jinyoung will survive.

Mark doesn‘t bother to listen to doctor's words that sleeping pills nowadays are made to be less dangerous if overdosed on and that Jinyoung seems to have quite a tolerance for this particular kind of medication.

_Jinyoung is alive, that’s all that matters now._

 

When he slowly opens his eyes, it’s an early morning two days later. Jinyoung feels drowsy and weak, and it takes a few seconds to realize where he is and that this annoying sound is his own heartbeat, monitored by machines. Jinyoung slowly turns his head to see Mark sleeping while sitting on a chair next to his bed and Youngjae resting his head on Mark‘s shoulder, silently snoring too.

Jinyoung never actually thought about what he would feel if his wish to die didn‘t work out for some reason. He has no idea why the pills didn‘t work, but all he feels is embarrassment, guilt and anger. Embarrassment because it’s too hard to face the world again, knowing how suicide is perceived in their society, especially a failed one. Guilt, because he’s still a burden, making both of the guys sleep in the hospital, worrying about him. And he feels angry at himself, for not being able to do anything right – for not even being able to _die_ properly.

And he feels sleepy again, too sleepy to wait for either of the guys to wake up.

The second time Jinyoung opens his eyes, Mark and Youngjae are gone and he flinches, meeting Jaebum’s dark gaze, as the latter is glancing at him over the book he’s reading.

“You’re awake,” he says as if Jinyoung wouldn’t know that himself, putting the book down. He looks exhausted, making Jinyoung feel even worse.

Even _Jaebum_ got dragged into this.

“What are you doing here?” he asks, finding it slightly difficult to talk. His throat feels sore, vocal cords refusing to work properly due to him not talking for a few days.

Jaebum stands up, mumbling, “Mark and Youngjae both have exams, so Mark asked me to stay here for a while. I should find your doctor and tell that you’re awake.”

Jinyoung just nods, seeing him exiting the ward. It’s so _Mark_ , taking care of people even when his own responsibilities are crushing him. Taking care of _Jinyoung_ even when he has hurt Mark countless times with the most horrible words he could find.

He tries to push these thoughts away and somehow today it feels easy, maybe because of the amount of medicine running into his body through the countless needles stuck in his arms.

His doctor says that Jinyoung is fine, there was no permanent damage done, he will just get some treatment to get the drugs out of his system completely. He will also need to be examined by a psychiatrist and Jinyoung just wordlessly nods, feeling a bit hypnotized by the sound of the doctor’s pen scratching against the paper, writing something in his file.

There goes away his future – nobody wants to keep a person with mental issues in university, nobody will want to hire someone like him. Jinyoung knows very well that this stay in the hospital will leave a permanent mark in his life and he feels like he deserves that.

This time it doesn’t feel like a base for downgrading himself, though, just a mere acceptance of the fact – he’s sick and that has some consequences. However, he doesn’t want to accept it fully yet, so he spends another day pretending to be sleeping whenever Mark or Youngjae come by. Jaebum doesn’t tell them that he is awake, either, and Jinyoung feels thankful.

“I know you’re awake,” Mark says a bit later, when he accidentally cracks his eyes open after the older guy drops something on the floor. Somehow that feels intentional for Jinyoung, and he just sighs, feeling exposed again. “There’s no need to be afraid to face us.”

“Easier said than done,” Jinyoung remarks slowly sitting up. He feels stronger than before, but still drowsy and he runs out of strength too fast. But at least his voice is back to normal, almost the same person he was a few days ago. “Where’s everyone?”

Mark feels weird talking with Jinyoung like they are just casual friends, trying not to mention everything that happened, “Youngjae has an exam and Jaebum is in the radio, sorting things out.”

“Do they know what happened?”

Mark was told by the doctors not to force Jinyoung to talk about his attempt to kill himself, but it seems like the latter broke the rule himself, so he just nods, “Youngjae was with me, when we found you, and Jaebum… We had to tell him eventually.”

Youngjae spent that horrible night in the hospital as a patient, shouting and trying to run away from his ward to Jinyoung’s, what caused the nurses to sedate him into sleep. Jaebum didn’t take the news too well either – he rushed to the hospital after finishing the show almost at midnight, panicking and shaking, refusing to believe that out of all people, _Jinyoung_ would be the one done with this world.

Jinyoung sighs. He hoped that none of them had to see the whole mess, but now Youngjae is probably scarred for life after seeing his best friend almost dead, and it’s all his fault. _Like always._

“I bet they hate me now,” he bitterly smiles. Somehow it feels relieving that he can talk about it so freely now, without pretending that he’s completely normal. “I suppose they were pretty shocked after learning how fucked up I am. Jaebum never knew anything and Youngjae didn’t see even a half of how bad can it get. You hate me too, don’t you?”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Mark denies, trying to keep his calm exterior up, but feeling a familiar heaviness clouding his chest. He would like to hug Jinyoung, to hold his hand at least, but he knows it’s better not to burden his mind with their relationship now. “Nobody hates you.”

 

_Youngjae had a hard time accepting the details he didn’t know. That Jaebum was Jinyoung’s one night stand, not a project partner; that Jinyoung was the one who broke up with Jaebum; that the latter wasn’t as terrible human being as Youngjae was convinced; that Jinyoung’s breakdowns, wish to die and belief that he is just a burden were a lot more frequent that everyone let him know. Jinyoung never told him about what happened in the racetracks or how he came to know Mark. He never knew about the deal they made._

_“When I hear this,” he says, “It feels like I never really knew him. We were, we still_ are _, friends ever since I was fourteen, but in some way, he’s still a mystery to me. And I keep thinking now, that maybe I’m at fault too. That I never was trustworthy enough for him to open up, that I didn’t bother to really get to know him.”_

_Mark gives him a comforting pat on the shoulder, “Jinyoung is a great liar, Youngjae. He carefully chooses what to show and what to hide, and it’s not really anyone’s fault. His brain doesn’t work like yours, like Jaebum’s. People like you don’t know what it feels, and I’m actually glad about this, Jinyoung would be too. But Jinyoung’s brain just set off alarms when someone tried to get closer to him, and he just hid everything, trying to “save” us all. It’s not like you both were doing something wrong and I did something right, I just met him when he had a breakdown and he couldn’t lie right to my face about it.”_

_“I just can’t believe it,” Jaebum’s voice is barely audible. “Our relationship was fucked up, I know, but I always was around. We were sitting next to each other five days a week, damn it, and yet I was blind enough not to see_ anything _. I never knew what was happening in his head, if I knew, I would’ve made him stay, I would’ve—“_

_“You wouldn’t have done anything,” Mark shakes his head. “It’s not something we or Jinyoung would have control over. Yes, he might’ve stayed, but you both would be hurt and eventually… eventually the outcome would’ve been the same, I think. It’s just like that.”_

_Youngjae looks detached from everything, initial shock already over. Now he feels only weird emptiness that is absolutely_ _foreign to his usual bright personality. It seems like he suddenly was thrown into the cruel adult life, where not everything has a happy ending._

_“It’s actually hurtful,” he silently says. “To hear that shit being told to you. I heard only the soft version, only that he’s not worth to have friends and such… But to see such a talented and amazing person calling me names, whenever I tried to comfort him... Sometimes… Sometimes it felt really unfair, especially when he just used to turn around and start laughing with someone else, as if nothing was wrong.”_

_“But even though it kills you,” Mark continues instead of him, these feelings seeming oddly familiar. “You still hope for that laugh to be genuine, you still wish that he feels happy with other people. Jinyoung could’ve traded me into countless people and it feels like I still would’ve forgiven him, as long as it was real happiness.”_

_Jaebum keeps silent. He definitely experienced the silent treatment after their arguments, while Jinyoung was laughing and joking around with everyone else. It killed him and it indeed felt unfair, but_ _now_ _he wishes that he could’ve seen it the way Mark sees it._

_“But now I came to think that maybe it’s not exactly_ unfair _,” Youngjae sighs. “Maybe if Jinyoung shows us this dark side of his, speaks his mind no matter how messed up it is… Maybe it’s because we are the only ones he trusts enough to show his true self? And perhaps, this is not a thing to be hurt about?”_

_They all wish that Youngjae’s interpretation is right._

When Jaebum fails to find Jinyoung in his ward a few days later, his heart skips a beat. Mark went home to sleep, Youngjae had to study for an exam and he decided to pay a visit after his shift in the radio.

It feels awkward spending more time with Jinyoung during these past days than he ever did during all these years, but Mark never looked jealous and never caused a scene about Jaebum’s wish to stay in the hospital as much as he could. Jinyoung never said a word against it, either.

He runs through the entire floor in panic, but finally sighs in relief spotting Jinyoung in the shared balcony of the floor. Usually patients with his _condition_ aren’t allowed near windows and balconies, so he probably just snuck into it in secret.

“You scared the shit out of me,” Jaebum says, when Jinyoung turns around startled, hair ruffled by cold mid-December wind. “I didn’t know where you went.”

Jinyoung gets surprised by Jaebum’s voice. There’s no anger, no hidden meanings, no bitterness. Just a pure concern, much like one would be concerned about a close friend. As if he would’ve let the past go.

“I didn’t know you were going to come,” Jinyoung mumbles flinching, when Jaebum throws his jacket around his shoulders telling that he’s going to catch a cold. “I didn’t think you would care, after all that happened.”

Freezing in the balcony of a hospital after trying to commit suicide doesn’t seem like a proper place to speak about the past, but Jinyoung feels that if he doesn’t do that know, he will never find the courage to explain himself.

He owes Jaebum at least that.

“I care, I still do. Maybe I’m a fool, I don’t know,” Jaebum bitterly laughs. “You just walk away whenever you feel like it, yet I take off running after you. You know, I took all of those weird electives just so I could spend more time with you after we broke up. I never enjoyed being a part of the radio crew, I just wanted to have you around and you liked hosting shows. I never was going to try out for that announcer position, my voice loss was fake. And yet we still drifted apart.”

Jinyoung just stands there with his eyebrows raised. So all this time he just took everything the wrong way – Jaebum wasn’t following him so that he could show everyone that Jinyoung is the dumber one; he didn’t enter the radio just so he could beat Jinyoung in broadcasts. Jaebum never was jealous about him getting the announcer spot, he never even _wanted_ it. Everything was in Jinyoung’s head, a perfect excuse to be angry at the entire world, creating fake competitions and drowning himself in self-hatred when he was unable to win against… himself.

“I didn’t know how to explain everything that was, that still _is_ , going through my head,” he finally sighs after a long pause. “So I just thought that burning all the bridges will make things better. I thought that that it will be for the best, to take my shit away from you.”

“You were mistaken,” Jaebum shakes his head, staring at the ground, but his voice doesn’t sound like blaming Jinyoung. “It’s the most horrible feeling ever, not knowing why you were dumped. I was always questioning myself what did I do wrong, why I wasn’t enough for you. At first, I thought that you found someone else, someone more talented, someone who wouldn’t fuck up every presentation for you by stuttering… It just slowly killed me and you didn’t give me any answers when you came back and Youngjae started to ignore me and give those death glares…”

He makes a pause to collect his scattered memories, because he always wanted to let it all out, but he had no one to talk to all this time. Soon after, Jaebum opens his mouth again, “Was I sad? Yeah. Was I bitter? You bet, Jinyoung. And this sadness turned into anger one day. There was a time when I thought about you as a manipulative asshole, that’s why I got angry when you found me half-drunk in the radio. I thought that you’re just trying to help me so you could lure me back into this fucked up circle we had before, and I didn’t want to let you.”

“I’m so sorry,” Jinyoung almost whispers, trying to suppress his tears. “It’s just who I am, Jaebum. Some people go to sleep thinking ‘That was a good day’. And I’m one of those who asks themselves ‘How did I screw up today?’ and those thoughts took me over. All those fights I caused trying to make you dump me happened just because I didn’t want you to see me like this. The same scenario would’ve happened anyway sooner or later and I didn’t want you to be a part of it. However, it didn’t work out, like many things in my life, and I just kept ruining everything even more.”

“When I first met you in that party,” Jaebum says. “You looked like all those good guys. You know, those with a decent haircut, nice smile, just with that special _something_ in them. You were quite chatty that night and then I didn’t know that it was all fake and you were actually deep in shit, I never knew. And even though I knew that our relationship started backwards, that we weren’t supposed to have sex and date _after_ , but… You seemed nice, nicer than most people. I thought it was worth a shot.”

“There were a lot of shots that night,” Jinyoung jokes and Jaebum laughs. His laugh sounds genuine for the first time in years. “I thought that you simply hate me up until you sent Mark to the studio and he told me that you were talking about me nonstop.”

Jaebum’s smile doesn’t disappear, “So he told you, didn’t he? I don’t think I ever hated you for real. I wanted to, but I just couldn’t. When you’re away from someone for a long time, you automatically erase all the bad memories and focus on the good ones, and we still had a lot of those. But now I don’t think I ever really loved you, either.”

“What do you mean?”

“It was more of an obsession of some kind. The more you pushed me away the more I wanted to stay and it was just extremely unhealthy. Sometimes I even feel happy that we broke up, I just wish it wouldn’t have happened in that kind of way.”

Jinyoung nods, Jaebum is right. It definitely wasn’t love, not even close to it.

“How are things going with KBS?” he asks carefully. “I saw the transfer documents, too.”

Jaebum raises his eyebrow, because he didn’t expect Jinyoung to know, but still decides to tell, “Things got better, they left me alone after the video went viral, but I decided to quit on my own. It’s probably late to realize this just now, but broadcasting is not for me. I never wanted to speak in public, I suck at it, to be honest. I’m content with just writing articles and such, so I decided to venture into bare journalism. I found a decent university in Busan and they agreed to transfer most of my credits so I wouldn’t need to start from zero.”

_Busan. Seems like they both are just bound to end up there at some point of their lives._

“By the way,” he suddenly giggles. “Back then, when you went missing and we all lost our shit. The idea that you might be in Busan was mine. I told it to Youngjae and he went there with his family.”

Jinyoung gets surprised, “Really? How?”

Jaebum slides his hand into the back pocket of his jeans and takes out his wallet. Few swift movements and he takes out a piece of blue paper, a bit wrinkled, but still readable and Jinyoung wants to laugh, this time genuinely.

They were playing a game in an amusement park once, where you write a name of a person, activity you want to do with them and where. Jinyoung forgot about the paper as soon as they got home that day, because they got into a fight again, but Jaebum saved it.

_“I want to go on a sea date in Busan with Im Jaebum, - Park Jinyoung, 2013”_

“I thought that you might go there on your own,” Jaebum shrugs and he’s right. Jinyoung indeed remembered that note and went to see the sea because of it. “You should go back now, though, it’s literally freezing.”

Jinyoung returns the jacket to him asking, “So we’re good?”

“Of course,” Jaebum answers, smiling. “It’s time to move on.”

 

The last evening of his stay in the hospital starts with a usual fight between Youngjae and Jaebum. Jinyoung just rolls his eyes, getting quite used to their quarrels, more focused on making a list of things he has to do once he gets out of this suffocating ward, Mark doesn’t seem like he’s bothered either. He has other things to think about.

“Nobody asks your opinion on what should I study,” Youngjae says, tossing his notes away. Tomorrow he has his last final this semester and he was trying to revise the material while spending time in Jinyoung’s ward like usually, however, Jaebum kept annoying him.

“Not when I’m the one helping out the professor during the exam and I actually know what’s in the tasks, dumbass,” the latter retorts. “Why can’t you stop being an asshole to me? I’m just trying to help.”

“Why can’t you both be assholes to each other somewhere else?” Jinyoung asks irritated, but there’s a smile playing on his lips. “This is a hospital, for God’s sake, not a debate club.”

Youngjae immediately stops in the middle of the sentence, probably on his way to insult Jaebum, “Sorry. I think I should go home. It’s kind of late already and you need rest, too.”

“Yeah, do that. Don’t you have a bedtime anyway?” Jaebum mumbles and it takes one Jinyoung’s stare for Mark to jokingly throw them both out of the ward.

They still hear Jaebum’s, “I will drive you home, dumbass, you’re not taking a subway in the evening alone.”

Jinyoung cringes and Mark starts laughing, because they both have an idea where this relationship is going. He never knew that Youngjae was into guys too, but then again, he never really asked. He was too immersed in his own world and didn’t have time for anyone else.

 _Wow, so it can get back even in the hospital_ , Jinyoung thinks, trying to push bad thoughts away. This time it’s significantly harder.

While Jinyoung is not looking, Mark observes the latter for a while. It’s been more than a week since he was admitted to the hospital, but they never actually talked about what happened between them. Jinyoung tried to avoid this topic as much as he could and Mark, even though a bit hurt about the fact that Jinyoung had time and wish to talk to Jaebum, didn’t want to push him.

Jinyoung looked if not happy, then at least a lot calmer these days. Sure, there are times when he gets silent and distant, there’s no way around it, but everything was a lot easier and Mark didn’t want to ruin it.

“So, you’re good to go tomorrow,” he starts awkwardly, not even knowing what is he trying to say. “What are your plans?”

Jinyoung sighs, wondering whether he should tell him now or just text him tomorrow morning, like he planned to, but he settles only for a vague, “My mother dearest is coming to pick me up in the morning, so…”

Mark gets surprised, “Your mother?”

“She got a call from the hospital and decided to pretend being a great mother she never was. We’ll see how this one goes, maybe people do change.”

They fall into silence for a while, before Jinyoung finally musters up the courage to say, “We need to talk, Mark.”

Mark nods, but he doesn’t feel good about this. There was a lot left unsaid during these weeks, a lot of unspoken things about the day Jinyoung tried to kill himself, but Mark didn’t know where to start.

“It might seem like I magically got better and I probably did, to be honest. I haven’t had the thoughts about rotting in hell for a while,” Jinyoung finally starts. “But let’s be real, it’s just because I’m constantly fed with medicine and forced to visit the therapist two times a day. We all know that no matter how hard I fight, it will come back, sooner or later, I will have relapses and shit, my doctor explained it to me, and I don’t have high hopes. But before I’m sucked into the circle of terrible thoughts and decisions again, I just wanted to apologize.”

“You don’t have—“

“No,” Jinyoung interrupts, wishing that Mark wouldn’t be so nice every fucking time. “I _have_ to. Being sick doesn’t give me the right to be an asshole and put you through all these horrible things. You think I don’t know that Youngjae is getting counselling because he can’t forget the day you found me? I’m just so damn terribly sorry for all of this… And for you. You were one of those who cared about me the most, all that constant moving in and out, trying to prevent me from doing what I still did. And I never meant any of those words I told you. You’re not a killer, you’re just _not_.”

Mark closes his eyes, trying to prevent the knot in his throat from taking away his ability to speak, but his voice cracks a bit, when he says, “It’s okay. It wasn’t you who told that shit, you’re sick and we all understand that.”

“Do you know what day tomorrow is?” Jinyoung asks and his smile seems bittersweet.

“Aside the fact that you’re going home, not really?”

“December 18th. Our deal ends tomorrow.”

Mark flinches. He completely forgot about this date, the whole _deal_ even, there was too much happening around to think about it, everyone’s main focus was Jinyoung and his health.

“And?” Mark slowly asks, not looking at the guy, but honestly, he doesn’t expect anything.

“I’m taking a leave of absence and will skip the upcoming semester,” Jinyoung says, trying to dance around the question for a while. It’s better to start slowly with news like that. “My psychiatrist says it’s not a bad idea, to rest my head from everything. I should be fine by just having a break little longer than yours and drinking my medication. Consultations with a psychologist are still mandatory, though.”

“I understand,” Mark says, and he really does, but his heart sinks. “But what about… What about _us_?”

Some part of Mark still expects to hear that bitter and sarcastic intonation of Jinyoung’s when he’s saying that there were no “ _us_ ”, just his fucked up self and heroically optimistic Mark, but Jinyoung’s eyes get softer and he smiles.

“You know,” he starts, “I still remember my last thought before passing out that evening. I think I thought that I love you.”

Mark’s eyes go wide in surprise. Jinyoung never told him anything about love, Mark doesn’t even remember if there was such word in his vocabulary. Jinyoung has said that he _likes_ Mark during good days, but that was pretty much it. It was weird, but heartwarming nonetheless and Mark probably would have been happy to hear it, if it wasn’t for Jinyoung’s sad voice, not matching his smile.

“But?”

“But I think we need a break,” Jinyoung breathes out. “A huge ass break from each other. Our relationship was terrible, two people desperately in need of help isn’t the best combo ever. And I think that we should finish it. I’m actually planning to travel around for a bit, so I won’t be able to see any of you anyway.”

Mark wants to beg him to change his mind, to stay and try to fight their sicknesses together, but he knows that it would be extremely selfish. Jinyoung is an adult who can make decisions for himself and those decisions don’t have to involve spending the rest of his life with Mark.

Yet it still hurts, thinking that Jinyoung will never poke him in the morning again telling that he needs to wake up for the lectures; that he won’t randomly hug Mark anymore like he used to do when he was in a good mood; that he won’t be able to feel Jinyoung’s heartbeat while cuddling on the sofa watching old boring movies.

_It feels terribly scary._

“I will be back one day, I know I will,” Jinyoung continues, taking Mark’s hand. It feels like electricity, knowing that it’s the last time they’re holding hands. “I don’t know when, maybe a few months later, maybe after a few years. _But I will, I always do_. And during that time, Mark, don’t hold yourself back. I want to see you happy, and if your happiness doesn’t involve me, I’m totally cool about it.”

Mark doesn’t bother to hide his tears anymore. For the first time, Jinyoung drags him into a comforting hug, not the other way around, patting his back and telling, “It’s going to be fine, Mark. We are all going to be fine.”

When Mark finally stops crying and turns to go, knowing very well that these are the last seconds of them being a couple, that it all be over once he leaves the ward, Jinyoung calls his name again. Mark automatically turns around to see him standing up and placing a kiss somewhere on the corner of Mark’s lips.

It smells of chemistry and the banana Jinyoung had for dinner and it tickles a bit.

“Thank you for everything, Tuan,” he says. “But now it’s time to take care of yourself. And of those two, I will tell them everything tomorrow. Also, keep an eye on Jackson, he has some tendencies of spending his weekends in police station for the most random stuff ever.”

When Mark leaves, Jinyoung finally allows himself to cry. It doesn’t feel like tears of sadness though, at least not that kind of sadness he is used to. More like relief that he has finally done the right thing.

_Because if you love, you let go._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter had like 8 different endings, to be honest and I just spent like 6 hours editing it, haha. Anyway, as always - thank you for all the comments and kudos, it really means a lot for me!  
> Also, the next update will be a double one - just an epilogue-ish kind of stuff and a short backstory of this fic, which I really want to tell, because it will probably make more sense as to why, where from and how this story happened. Bear with me for a few more days, haha!


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning: mentions of self-harming

_Six months later_

 

The burning summer sun makes Mark feel like he’s on fire. He feels sweat slowly tracing ornaments on his back, forehead already drenched wet by the unbearable Seoul heat. He feels a little bit suffocated by the formal attire, but it feels even weirder to see Yugyeom exchanging his baggy clothes to something more suitable for the occasion and Bambam gladly following the dress code, even though Mark wishes that he wouldn’t have chosen a bright pink suit matching his hair.

It feels relieving and scary and the same time, holding university diploma in his hands, knowing that he’s finally free to do whatever he wants. He did it, he _graduated_.

“It will feel weird not seeing you around, but congratulations,” Mark hears a voice behind him. It’s Jaebum, finally done with all the post-ceremony inventory check. All the microphones were safely brought back to where they belong, all the wires scattered on the ground are finally gone and his duties are officially done.

Jaebum didn’t leave Seoul. He postponed it at least until the school year is over, mostly because the radio didn’t find anyone suitable enough to take over the empty announcer spot and he didn’t want to risk Jackson blurting out something inappropriate live due to his free-spirited nature.

At least that was his version of the events, but Mark thinks there was another important reason of him staying, now holding Jaebum’s hand and smiling like he’s the one graduating. That reason is named Choi Youngjae, their own personal sunshine.

The latter almost crushes Mark’s ribs by hugging him a little too tight and they take a few photos, the usual graduation stuff, all smiles and laughter, but Mark’s mind is wandering far away from the university buildings. He tries to shove it down and simply enjoy the moment with his friends, but the truth is, he’s thinking about Jinyoung.

The first few weeks were a living hell – Jaebum isolated himself from everyone, thinking that he’s the one that made Jinyoung run away again and it took days for him to finally snap out of it; Youngjae unsuccessfully tried to fight the urge to catch a bus going to search for his best friend, he ended up in their hometown only to learn that Jinyoung never even went home; and Mark… Mark kept feeling this weird sensation, as if his absence was causing a _physical_ pain, he kept following every stranger who looked at least a bit like Jinyoung down the streets. But time went by, the latter deactivated all of his social media and changed his number and all three of them got used to the silence.

And that silence was the thing that made them friends.

Mark tried to move on, he knew very well that he can’t live in his past forever, that life doesn’t always turn out like one would expect and that it’s actually what Jinyoung asked for – for Mark not to hold himself back.

So he tried dating again, he even dyed his hair blonde (which was followed by Bambam choking on his food and Jaebum’s _“Well you look… interesting?”_ the next day). However, none of it worked out, as his hair felt only fried instead of stylish and other guys weren’t _Jinyoung_ , they didn’t have that _something_ and it’s been a good month since he’s single again.

Mark snaps back to reality when the sounds next to him clearly indicate that Jaebum and Youngjae are shamelessly kissing instead of pampering Mark on this special day and the latter just dramatically sighs, “I liked you both more when you hated each other, you know. You’re gross.”

Jaebum’s eyes mischievously glimmers as he says, “Don’t be jealous. Since you’re one of my best friends now, shouldn’t you support me and my boyfriend?”

Mark just rolls his eyes, but inside he feels warm about Jaebum calling him his best friend, it took a lot of time before he started to trust Mark.

“Not when you look like one of those couples from cheesy romcoms that we all hate.”

“Isn’t it weird though, becoming best friends with your boyfriend’s ex?” Youngjae asks out of the blue, not really realizing what kind of thought just escaped his lips.

Jaebum’s smile disappears like it was wiped off of his face, Mark just shifts his stare to the ground, not really knowing what to say. Even though Jinyoung was someone they all still missed in their own ways, he also was someone they never mentioned out loud.

“Not any weirder than to see your best friend _dating_ your ex,” they hear a voice and Mark turns around so fast, he feels a burning pain shooting to his neck. “Especially, when they were sworn enemies a few months ago.”

Mark needs a few seconds to realize that the person standing in front of him is Jinyoung, not his look alike or just merely a hallucination. He doesn’t look much different – the same dark hair, the same shy smile. Maybe his skin got a tiny bit tanner, but Mark doesn’t even see that. He just can’t believe that Jinyoung is _back_ , like he promised.

Youngjae almost trips, simultaneously hugging Jinyoung and cursing at him, but a few seconds after he bursts into tears. Mark and Jaebum just stand there like they would be made out of wood, flabbergasted as if they saw a ghost.

“Earth to Tuan and Im?” Jinyoung scoffs, when Youngjae finally releases him, still mumbling something under his breath and wiping away his tears. “I don’t expect a welcoming dinner in a five star restaurant, but a simple ‘Hi, we missed you’ would be nice.”

 _Something_ about him feels different, though. The way he talks is different, his gaze is different – Jinyoung looks calm and relaxed and there’s this particular thing in his eyes, when he looks at his friends after a bit more than half a year. Glimmers of relief and happiness. His eyes are sparkling in an unfamiliar, but good way.

“You’re back,” Mark finally says, not really knowing how to start the conversation. He never was a pro at talking, but now it feels like someone would’ve taken his ability to connect his thoughts with his voice. He has imagined this moment a lot of times – meeting Jinyoung again, pulling him into a hug, but suddenly it feels like he can’t even move.

_Six months is a long time, indeed._

“And you’re blonde,” Jinyoung raises his eyebrows. “Not the worst choice, but I liked you more with dark hair, just saying.”

Mark doesn’t know whether to laugh or to take his words seriously, but Jaebum cuts in, saving the awkward situation and asking, “When did you get back?”

“A few days ago. I’m still connected to university’s mail system and I saw the notice about the graduation ceremony for seniors, so I decided to make a small surprise. By the way, you did a great job hosting the ceremony.”

Mark would like to ask in what way it’s a _small_ surprise, but his thoughts are drowned by the awkward small talk, the same that people do when they haven’t seen each other for a long time, but they don’t know what their relationship is anymore.

Mark thought that once he meets Jinyoung again, he will see fireworks and feel butterflies again, but all he feels is this weird awkwardness and uncertainty if it’s the same person he fell in love with.

“I know I might seem like an asshole, since you just got back and such,” Jaebum starts, shooting a significant stare at Mark, indicating that the latter should be forever thankful, “But there are some things I need to take care of in the radio, and Youngjae will _gladly_ accompany me - right, Youngjae? - so we’ll be leaving. See you later, Jinyoung, I hope you won’t disappear again, because you owe us some explanations.”

“I most probably won’t,” Jinyoung laughs and suddenly Mark feels anxious being left alone with him. When the two guys are nowhere to be seen anymore, he adds, “They can’t be any more obvious, can they?”

Mark lets out an awkward smile before nodding and saying, “Why don’t we take a walk somewhere around instead of just standing here?”

“Won’t your kids be worried if you disappeared all of the sudden?” Jinyoung asks, but there’s no bitterness and mockery in his voice anymore, contrary to the times when “the kids” was used only whenever he had one of his _moods_.

“They will probably think I’m out with my coursmates to celebrate, don’t worry.”

Jinyoung just nods and follows him. They don’t talk at all, much like they used to do, and the silence is somehow weirdly comforting. As the minutes of them just walking side by side go, Mark slowly starts to feel like Jinyoung never really left. Everything seems so natural in this silence.

“I have a present for you,” Jinyoung suddenly says, stopping in the middle of the step, when they reach a park near to the campus. He starts searching for something in his pockets and when he finally hands something to Mark, the latter’s eyes go wide in surprise.

He sees a few small badges from different cities, pretty cheap-looking when you glance at it for the first time, but when Mark realizes what it actually is, he wants to cry. He sees letters traced on the badges, the same letters so familiar from his childhood, the same he always wanted to see himself, yet he never could. And all the badges have something that connects them together.

_Route 66._

“Don’t fucking tell me that you went to States for this,” Mark says, trying to avoid Jinyoung’s eyes. He would feel forever guilty that his childish dreams sent Jinyoung across the ocean only to collect some badges.

“Not specifically for this,” the latter shrugs. “But since I was there, I thought why not making your dream to come true in some kind of way. So I did it, I went all the way down the Route 66 for you. It was one hell of a trip across the country, but it was worth it.”

Mark feels something stuck in his throat before he manages to stay, “I didn’t even know that you still remember that conversation.”

Jinyoung just smiles, “You said that the first day after the race, at 2:48 PM, while we were waiting for the green light in the last intersection before leaving the city via National Route 77. I remember a lot of things, Mark, I always do. Good things mostly, but a lot of bad ones, too.”

Mark almost flinches hearing the word _bad_ , because it holds so much meaning – bad circumstances, bad relationships, bad decisions, everything he would rather forget.

“How are you? What have you been doing all this time?” he asks, trying to change the topic, so Jinyoung wouldn’t need to talk about his past more than needed.

“I’m still trying to fight. It’s hard, to be honest, harder than I have ever imagined. There were countless times I wanted to give up, actually.”

Mark suddenly stops, seeing Jinyoung’s shirt sleeves lifting up a bit, showing weird lines on his wrists. The latter doesn’t even bother hiding it and Mark feels like the world suddenly turned upside down when he finally realizes what kind of lines are those.

“What is this?” he asks strictly, trying not to lose his mind thinking what the hell happened during these months.

“These are relapses,” Jinyoung’s calmness scares and hurts Mark, as he’s talking about it like it’s no big deal. “Unfortunately, they happen a lot more often than I expected. But I just keep drinking my medication, _a lot of medication_ , and wish for the best. You know, sometimes it really feels like I’m not hopeless. But then it just happens again, like someone would just turn off the light switch. Everything seems dark and I want to disappear again.”

Mark knows it was stupid to wish that it will take only a silly hope mixed with chemical sprinkles of the pills to make Jinyoung healthy again, but he still _did_ , all this time he hoped that Jinyoung is happy somewhere, trying to get better without even remembering his past.

“How do you feel right now?” Mark slowly asks, searching for the answer not in Jinyoung’s words, but in his eyes, trying to prevent him from resorting to lying.

“Right now,” Jinyoung sighs,” I’m a mixture of very happy and very sad. I’m trying to figure it out, maybe I’m more sad than happy, maybe I’m more happy than sad. I’m trying to figure out what these emotions mean, but everything I feel seems like a contradiction of itself and I… I don’t understand any of it.”

Mark thinks that he can understand this feeling in a way, a very superficial way. Ever since Jinyoung appeared in front of him, Mark was feeling the same – very happy and very sad at the same time. Happy that Jinyoung is back, that he kept his promise… But then again, extremely sad and terrified to find out that nothing really changed, that Jinyoung didn’t get any better, that his problems didn’t go anywhere.

_That Mark is still helpless about it._

“Is there anything I could do to help you figure out those feelings?” he asks, but he already knows the answer. Mental issues don't disappear just because someone loves you.

However, Jinyoung doesn’t look like he even heard his words, as he asks, “Have you ever been torn between wishing you had never met someone and wishing you could re-meet them again and do it all differently?”

Mark thinks that he has. He always wished that he could’ve met Jaehyung on different circumstances so that there would be a slight chance that he won’t die. He always wished that he wouldn’t have met some people. But the continuation of Jinyoung’s thoughts turns his mind to a different direction.

“I am, though. Torn between a wish of never meeting you and meeting you on different circumstances, so we could have a different outcome.”

Mark nods, “I think I wished that during the first few weeks after you were gone, that we would have met on different circumstances. But then I realized that it’s what made me fall in love with you. Would I have fallen in love with a different Jinyoung, the one, who doesn’t have his struggles, who doesn’t have his bad days and such? I don’t know, maybe, but I saw much more in you than your problems. The good ones are never the easy ones, Jinyoung, but sadly, you can’t change them.”

“Then what do you do, if you can’t change them?”

“You love them.”

“Did you date anyone while I was gone?” Jinyoung asks, not really wanting to accept Mark’s words. Just when he finally stopped feeling guilty about dragging Mark along to his personal hell, causing him to feel nothing but pain, the latter just couldn’t move on.

“Yeah,” Mark decides to be honest. “It didn’t work out though. What about you?”

Jinyoung shakes his head, “Just some random hookups as I was traveling, but that’s probably even worse than dating.”

“Do you still mean it, Jinyoung?” Mark suddenly blurts out, not really thinking about the outcome of his words.

“Mean what?”

“That you think you loved me.”

Jinyoung gets silent and Mark can almost feel how hard his brain work, trying to find a definite answer, that would reflect everything that he feels.

“I think I meant it. I still mean it.”

Mark’s lips form a slight smile, “Then I guess, we can re-meet each other?”

“What do you mean?”

Mark reaches his hand out for a handshake, much like the first time they met in the studio, “My name is Yien Tuan, my best friend died two years ago and I still think that I’m at fault for this. I sometimes have troubles eating and panic attacks as a result of all of this. My boyfriend tried to kill himself and none of that will ever go away. But I’m willing to fight.”

Jinyoung hesitates at first, but soon slowly takes Mark’s hand saying, “My name is Park Jinyoung. I’ve been diagnosed with bunch of mental disorders. I was bullied, got involved in a lot of unhealthy relationships. I tried to kill myself and sometimes I still try to do that, when the world seems unbearable and it won’t ever really go away, either. Nice to meet you, Yien.”

“I missed you, Jinyoung. So fucking much.”

They don’t have their sappy happy ending as Jinyoung bounces into a relapse a few weeks later. But this time Mark isn’t afraid of losing him – there are people who are ready to help them out even when everything seems a lost case. Sure, they both want to give up from time to time, but Mark keeps being optimistic thinking that if you fail, it means that you’re trying. Sometimes it's not all about fixing something broken, he says, sometimes it's about starting over.

After all, Jinyoung came back – still wounded, still in pain of his soul cracking, but he did. And Mark cherished it.

_Because if you love, you let go. And if they come back, they must love you too._


	17. Author's note?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is a double update, so make sure you've read the previous chapter before this!

Wow, it feels really great to be able to talk now without putting my thoughts into certain characters, just an unedited version of what I always wanted to say! (Well, not really unedited, because I would probably be screaming instead of writing something decent, but you know what I mean!)

First of all, thank you!!! For reading this story, for all the supportive comments and kudos and bookmarks and hits, for getting attached to the characters I tried to portray, for _everything_ really. I really suck at expressing my emotions through my own words (does that even make sense, haha, but I just keep saying thank you everytime and I’m afraid it might sound insincere after being repeated that much), so I would really want to hug every one of you who has ever clicked on this fic, but since that’s not really possible, I just hope you know how amazing you all are and how much I appreciate you!

And now – a bit of the backstory. Or in other words, let’s get a bit dramatic.

When I first started writing this story, it was mid-April actually and it was just an exercise of some sort – I hadn’t been writing for a long while before this story happened. Or to be honest, like Jinyoung in this story found a distraction in making playlists, I found a distraction in writing again during a really stressful period of my life. It wasn’t anything severe, just midterms and university work were killing me and some of my relationships weren’t going that great either, but it was enough to drain me.

Those pages that I wrote back then were completely different from what was posted in June, though, and I wasn’t even planning on publishing it anywhere. And it took almost two months for me to realize that this time I have a _story_ to tell through Jinyoung and Mark’s struggles. Someone once wrote a comment that this fic feels extremely real and well… That was what I aimed for, because in some ways, this _is_ a real story.

I’m twenty one, exactly the same age Jinyoung is in this story, and during the years I have encountered many things that were depicted in this story. Almost everything – bullying, self-hatred, depression, feeling like you’re only a low quality copy of someone who is more successful than you, ruined  relationships, lack of parents’ presence – happened to me or I was a close witness of these things. And probably every character in this story has a part of me, in quite a literal way.

Sometimes I felt like Jinyoung, who didn’t know whether he will have enough strength to wake up next morning, running from everyone being convinced that he can’t trust anyone. Sometimes I was like Mark, watching my loved ones hurt themselves and trying to help them only to be lashed out at later, having to deal with my own shit on top of that. Sometimes I was just lied to and thinking that everything has simple solutions and happy endings, just like Youngjae. And Jaebum too, who was left because it felt like the only right thing to do, but who couldn’t even feel angry about that. (This probably sounds like I have a personality disorder, haha, but it’s honestly how it is) And honestly, even if I want to believe that I’m at least a bit talented in writing, truth is, I don’t think so, because I wouldn’t be able to write these things if I didn’t experience them in some way.

I know that many people have felt similar things, at least I got that idea reading your comments about your personal experiences, saying that some of you could relate to what was happening in the story and I just want to say that you are extremely brave people! For surviving it, for being able to talk about it! Of course, some of the events I wrote were adapted for a fanfic more or less, but every word was absolutely sincere and thought out. I was wondering many times, should I write this or not, is it okay to touch topics like that, and without your support I probably wouldn’t have finished it.

I spent many sleepless nights writing and deleting, deleting and writing again, deleting more than writing, crying from frustration, crying from sadness – I was a walking wreck of emotions these months, and in the end I just couldn’t sleep at all, after posting a chapter I would just stare at the screen for the entire night praying that I didn’t fuck it up.

But then I saw the feedback and I cried again a lot of times, because you guys are honestly the best, loving this story from the start to the very ending to the point where some of you (yes, this actually happened!) decided to find me outside AO3 and found my twitter and tumblr and I was so shocked about it (in the best way possible!!) that I just had to take a seat everytime I got a message like that, asking if by any chance I wrote this fic.

(And also, I did my part of stalking too, haha, people mentioning this story on twitter – I smiled so much, when I saw all the tweets!!)

Okay, before I get extremely emotional – a bit of technical stuff. I’m not a psychology expert by any means, and if something feels off about some aspects, I’m really waiting for any corrections! And especially grammar, I know I left mistakes here and there, it probably slipped through my nightly spellcheck (I always end up writing during the night, haha)

Also, if any of you want to get caught up in angst even more (why would you, though), I’m leaving a list of songs that I listened to while writing, or used in the story (marked with *). I would just put a link to a playlist, but some of the songs aren’t on youtube somehow, so yeah.

Weirdly enough, I never listened to GOT7 while writing, I don’t even know why?

  * Alex & Sierra – Little do you know
  * Alicia Keys – In common*
  * Archive – Fuck you*
  * Bang Yongguk – AM 4:44
  * BTS – Tomorrow*
  * Cheetah – Expectation
  * Crywolf – Never be like you
  * Drug Restaurant – Mistake*
  * Gnash ft. Olivia o’Brien – I hate u I love u
  * Hurts – Help*
  * Hurts – Somebody to die for*
  * Kelsey Snowdon – To build a home (Cinematic orchestra cover)
  * Kim Hansol ft. Seo Sangwon – The monster (cover)
  * Low – Lullaby
  * Plumb – Don’t deserve you
  * U-KISS – Take me away
  * WINNER – Pricked
  * Yeeun – Hello To Myself



And also, for the ending note, even though I just keep dragging it because it’s hard and weird to know that I won’t update this story anymore:

**You are all worth to be loved no matter how shitty things might seem, you are all worth so many amazing things! If things get tough – don’t reject a helping hand, people around you care, they really do, doesn’t matter if it’s your close friend or a random anonymous commenter on a fanfic. Even if you don’t achieve anything big (but “big things” are subjective! Your achievements might be bigger than you give yourself credit for!) or if you face a failure – don’t give up! It’s hard, but there’s always a day after the night!**

 

 

P.S.: Before I start bawling my eyes out for real, if any of you want to catch me outside AO3, because I won’t visit this site that much for now, my twitter @ is jinyoungstuan ! I will be answering every message I get, I promise!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow, i'm crying.


End file.
